Child rejecting me after return to work

[ScottishBeth]

AD2 has been home over a year and is doing really well. However she is finding it hard that I've gone back to work. I had a year off at home with her. Then she started nursery and a couple of weeks later I went back to work. Basically since then she has been very rejecting of me - if I go to get her up in the morning she yells, "not that mummy!" and tries to send me out of the room.

I get it must be hard for her but I'm really struggling not to take it personally. I love her so much, and I know part of our job as parents is to love our child even when they hate us, but it's so hard. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with this? (My wife is very supportive by the way, and I do talk to friends about it all.) Also our dog died recently, which is going to be making it harder for me to cope with things and also will be extra confusing for my little girl.

Also any tips for supporting her and helping her feel secure with me? I know I truly good attachment takes years. I take her swimming once a week, I almost always do bathtime and that is time with just lots of playing. We play lots of hiding games, we have a few games that she and I play and she doesn't play with anyone else, and some little songs that we sing together about how I love her.

Would it be worth doing a social story type thing? I work in a hospital so it would be easy to get a photo of me in my uniform and a picture of making someone well (she knows ambulances and fire engines and police help people). And then a picture of me and her at the end?

I guess this is mostly just a need to get this off my chest, so thank you for reading.

[Ted27]

have you tried giving her something to take to nursery which reminds her of you ? Maybe a teddy sprayed with your perfume if you wear it. or something with your photo in it. My much older son also struggled with me going to work - I put a note in his lunch bag every day - just I love you, cant wait to see you later, have a lovely day

[Catleveltired]

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly. Yes, a story may help, we have a book called "my mum goes to work", it doesn't dwell on what the mum does. She might not be bothered what you do at work, just that you're thinking of her. So maybe pictures of her photo on your desk, a picture she drew on the office board, that sort of thing? I often start the answer to "how was your day?" with "my colleague was asking whether you had done x, and I said yes, and you were brilliant, and we chatted all about you doing ..." It reassures that "keeping in mind" thing. Little ones, especially insecure little ones, don't care that you help people at the hospital, because you're their mum. They want to know they're centre of your world, even when you're at work.

[ScottishBeth]

These are both brilliant ideas - thank you.

I had often thought when she's a bit older I would like to try and write a little note before I go out yo work so she can see it when she gets up. But obviously she's a bit young for that. But I might have a look for a soft thing that will have my photo on it. I don't have a desk but if I can get a matching toy for me with her photo, I can get a photo of me in my uniform with this toy, so she knows I think about her lots at work.

I do always tell her that I told people at work about something we did, so I will keep doing that.

[Misstabithabean]

We draw hearts on our wrists which your child can press during the day when they are thinking of you (and vice versa). When you see them again, you can say 'I was thinking about you and pressed my heart. Did you feel it?' Invariably, they have done!

[Ted27]

@Misstabithabean

What a lovely idea !

[CharlieSays13]

You can get lovely wee keyrings on Amazon which you can personalize with a photo on one side and words on the other. All 3 of mine have one, with words specific to them, which they keep clipped on inside their school bags. They can look at it and give it a squeeze any time they feel wobbly.....which is lots this time of year.

[Patchyman1]

When I was off with my boys and my husband was at work, we used to drive passed his work building to wave to him! He'd always say, I was at my desk working, or I went to the wrong window etc so they never saw him, and it turned into a huge game. Now he doesn't work there anymore and we are 9 years in, we still have to wave at the building when we go passed shouting DADDY as loud as we can!

[ScottishBeth]

@Misstabithabean this is lovely - but would a 2 year old understand it?

Thank you all for the suggestions - I will definitely think about some of these.

[WittyUsername123]

Hi OP, I am the full time working partner and both my children do this to me pretty consistently; they go through phases of severity but one is always on it at any one time. Stuff like: “Why are you putting me to bed? I want mama. This is rubbish.” The other day my 2yo sobbed hysterically when I came home from work because he knew that that meant I would be giving him his bath instead of his mama!
You can try to find the funny side, and try to find tactics like the above, and it does mitigate it… but it does sting. And it doesn’t really go away I think, although you can make it better for sure.
The most important thing I have found is not to cave and let them pick the favoured parent, even when it stings and you want to say “OMG ACTUALLY I WANT MAMA TO WIPE YOUR BUTT TOO MATE BUT HERE I AM, SECOND-RATE BUTT-WIPER EXTRAORDINAIRE.”
Our kids don’t get to pick who does basic care, who takes them places or plays games etc. It doesn’t mean I absolutely force myself into every situation but I do plough forwards with my tasks and try to distract them from their desperate pleas for the other parent!

[PinotGrigios]

Sounds like you've done amazingly so far in teaching her how to be with you for a year. Now, I wonder if you sort of have to teach her how to be without you? If you never leave her, she can't learn that you always come back.

I too sometimes draw a little heart on our wrists using a sharpie before our daughter goes to nursery. She was puzzled by it at first but occasionally now she asks for it. And I think she loves showing it off to her little nursery friends.

I try to remember to say things aloud that might seem obvious to me but aren't to her - for example ' I have to work today, I wish I didn't, I'd much rather play with you all day long.' and then later - 'I was doing XYZ today and it was really fun but I would have enjoyed it much more if you were there too.' Or 'do you know what I did today? NOTHING! I just thought about you all day long and everybody got cross with me for not doing my work.' It makes her giggle. I try and store up funny anecdotes to tell her about my day, she loves listening even if she doesn't really know what I'm talking about. I think pictures of you working would be great, and maybe back it up with the idea that you'd much rather hang out with her.

My sister (3 birth children) said to me that if there are two parents in a household, adopted or not, they will periodically reject one of you until you literally think you cannot stand it another moment, and then on that day they will switch! It always makes me chuckle.

Now, if my daughter suddenly announces I'm not her favourite anymore (usually "mummy, you can't come to my party") I pretend to howl with despair and it always makes her crack up. Also I must confess (in total opposite to WittyUsername - I guess every child is different, it works ok for us) I sometimes say 'ok - Daddy, your turn!!!!' And then go downstairs and have a mooch in the fridge.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I think any change or transition can be difficult for our kids. Basically if you're not there they think you've disappeared because they struggle to hold you in mind. Some really good suggestions have been given but things I found helped were talking about what I'd be doing through the day and talking about what they would be doing through the day. So I'm going to work to help people feel better, and you'll be in nursery, what do you think you'll be doing? At the end of the day talking again about what you were doing and what they were doing - I was thinking about you playing with your friends at nursery etc. You could also let him know if you've checked in on him, I'd let me DD know I had spoken to her school during the day to see how she was doing, which helped her know I hadn't forgotten her while I was at work.

Transitional objects can help, my DS still has a soft toy he takes to school when he's feeling a bit wobbly. When I had to travel for work he gave me one of his cuddle toys to look after, and I gave him a stuffed toy I kept in my bedroom for him to look after until I came home. My DS would give me a set of rules for his cuddle toy (not too many sweets and he needs to go to bed by 8.00 or he'll be grumpy all day). The caregiving part gave my DS something active to think about, knowing he'd tell me about it when I got home. We'd talk about how the cuddle toy had been feeling (which oddly enough mirrored my DS's own feelings) which normalised feelings of missing someone, worrying about them and anticipation of them coming back.

Ultimately attachment is about bonds that endure over space and time, so your DC needs to see you leave and come back again reliably.

I would make absolutely sure I was there to pick my kids up when I said I would, if there was any change to the person picking them up we'd talk about it a couple of days beforehand, it would be noted on the family calendar so they could see when change was coming.

It may help to leave your DC for shorter periods of time, eg leaving them with their other parent while you go to the shops or out for a coffee, telling them how long you'll be, using visuals like clock hands set to the time you'll return and then making sure you're back when you say you will be. They're used to your partner going to work etc, but it's a new development for you to be away from home and they are too young to transfer their knowledge that one parent works and comes home so it'll be fine with you too.

[ScottishBeth]

Hi everyone. I'm so sorry that I didn't come back to thos thread earlier. But thank you all so much for the suggestions. They were so helpful. Things improved a lot but then have got a bit worse again! But that is the way of it!

One of the things I did was make up a little 'mummy goes to work' book, inspired by what @Catleveltired said. It has pictures of me and her doing various things (swimming, baking, reading) and just talks about how I'd much rather be doing that than go to work, and I'll always come home to give her a cuddle. She likes that a lot, so that's good.

[Catleveltired]

You're doing brilliantly. I'm sorry to say, it's always up and down as you know! But you've clearly got this.