Feeling a bit inadequate

[Redpeppers70]

I post here occasionally but I've changed name for this.

I'm struggling at the moment with feeling like I'm not a 'real' parent because I havent had a newborn baby. I never especially wanted a baby, I love small children but dont find babies very interesting and I don't get the broody feeling around babies that some people do. But I get this feeling of being less than other parents because I don't know the hardship of getting pregnant, having a newborn baby, sleepless nights etc. Even though we've had our share of sleepless nights! There's part of me thinking I shouldn't complain about that because maybe I don't know the half of it and having a birth child is a lot harder. I think it's mainly coming from the little throwaway comments friends have made over the years. I'm smarting at the moment over a comment from a friend about how lucky I am not to have gone through IVF - quite valid because I haven't gone through it but I've seen how much it has impacted on friends, and I didnt want to say anything because she was talking about her own painful experience at the time. But it also felt like an insensitive comment to someone who couldnt conceive naturally with their partner! And she's aware of that.
I'd been having these feelings before this conversation, its just tipped me over the edge today. I feel very guilty for feeling like this when I know I had a reasonably straightforward journey to parenthood compared with some others and of course I love my dd and wouldnt change anything. I think I'm looking for a bit more recognition really but cant work out for myself whether that's justified.
Anyone else?

[Catleveltired]

I've had children via both methods- vaginal delivery and adoption. You know cognitively that the newborn stage isn't all that. Adopting is HARD. Different, but no easy route. Society always tells mums to feel they've missed out- had a section? You must have been "too posh to push." Bottle feed? "Breast is best!" Returned to work at three months? "Why have a baby if you're not going to care for them?"

Men don't get this shit. And it is shit. Your feelings are normal, and your friend was very insensitive. You're an equal, normal, great parent. It's ok to grieve what you missed, what you both missed together, you and little one. But it doesn't make you inadequate. You're great.

[Redpeppers70]

That is so helpful, thank you. I was struggling with reconciling my reaction to her comment and the experiences she's had and this has helped a lot. You're so right and I'll try to bear this in mind more often.

[Lwrenagain]

This is so upsetting you've been made to feel like this.
Can I just say though, I know, very sadly, many women who have had birth children and been unable to keep them safe or remotely parent them to a level of any competency resulting in their baby's being removed by the LA. They're not "real" parents in the eyes of lots of people in society. They'll be told that in very unkind ways too.
I feel differently, some birth parents cannot parent due to their mental wellness and capability, some parents cannot be birth parents due to physical inability.
I personally think those two sets of people can offer lots to those children who need parenting something that has terrific potential to be quite harmonious for children and the parents of those who've struggled with losses and fertility issues, yes adoption isn't about finding mummy's and daddy's kiddos, but some mums and dad's need adoption to complete their dreams of having children and being parents. I understand adoption is based around loss and trauma, but it's also a wonderful thing for many millions of people. It's a privilege to raise a child that you've been selected to love, and trusted with their future needs to be met. It's a privilege for a child to be given a parent who has those skills. (I say this as someone who failed to adopt, not as someone saying kids who need adopting should be grateful for homes, I don't mean that, I just mean any child to have such wonderful parents with amazing skills sets is a terrific thing!)
Adoption doesn't make anyone a less of a parent than it makes a child any less a child for not being with the birth family/ having a adopted family.
And the fact you've been left feeling in such a way is abhorrent actually, you don't deserve to feel any lesser of a parent than someone who has had kids through pregnancy.
From what I've seen with this board and other adopters online, AP have not just the most understanding and specialist level of parenting that most of us birth parents couldn't possibly fathom, but they're also extremely emotionally intelligent and some of the most dedicated parents. Anyone who wants to argue that is any lesser than a few sleepless nights making up bottles can talk to me, I'll tell them to fuck off for you hen, what you have to do to be a mum is much more work than birth parents, self included, will ever have to endure x

[Smerpsmorp]

I also get upset that I missed my children’s baby stages sometimes and wish I’d done foster to adopt. I love my children so much but I can’t help but wonder if it would have been easier without the trauma of taking them from their foster careers (which they truly were amazing).

I feel I occasionally get sad about this (and angry, as with our second child it could have been sped up so much). But ultimately they’re here now and that’s what counts.

Im very lucky to be a gay man and to not have tried to biologically have a child - however I still have trouble navigating the world - it doesn’t mean that my experience of adoption or parenting is less than. Otherwise are we saying my children are less than? Your friend was insensitive to make that comment, but I do also believe that you have to have thick skin with adoption (as I’m sure you do).

[Jellycatspyjamas]

But I get this feeling of being less than other parents because I don't know the hardship of getting pregnant, having a newborn baby, sleepless nights etc. Even though we've had our share of sleepless nights!

You do know the hardship of parenting a child you don’t know, while helping them process enormous loss and confusion. You do know how exposing the adoption process is, and the challenge of proving you’ll be a good parent for this child without having parented anyone before. You know the difficulties of helping a child form a secure attachment to you without having any of the bonding hormones, or pre-natal relationship to the child. You do know sleepless nights, the sheer emotional exhaustion of caring for a traumatised child. If that doesn’t make you a parent, I don’t know what does.

[Remy7]

Just wanted to say, sometimes I think we're programmed to feel inadequate. I felt it this weekend when someone assumed my male friend was my little ones dad not my partner who was with us too and looked awfully taken aback at the thought of two mums!
And again last week when I was made to feel like I couldn't possibly understand how difficult introductions are because foster to adopt is easy!! Ha!
I think our emotions hone in on what we feel and others can sometimes unintentionally exacerbate them.
I often quash my feelings there and then but processing them later on helps (usually in a bit of a rant to a friend!).
I agree @Smerpsmorp , we all need to be thick skinned!
Hope you're feeling better OP x

[Ted27]

@Redpeppers70

I could write the same about babies !

My son was 8 when he arrived. Now he has left home if I'm honest, I do feel a bit deprived of his babyhood, but that's very specific to him. I don't feel I've missed out on babies in general, but his very much so.
I think your friend was very insensitive. You aren't lucky not to have IVF, you made a valid choice. She made her equally valid choice.
No one who knows anything about adoption thinks its an easy option or a straightforward journey to motherhood.
You are a real mum in the truest sense of the word, you are the one who is there day in, day out, caring nurturing and loving.

[onlytherain]

I think some people really struggle to understand how adoptive families feel, particularly those who come from "traditional" families, because they have no personal experience of building their sense of family on feelings. I have been told by people that they would never adopt and that I am raising "someone else's child" (biologically speaking they are right but that is not how they mean it). To be honest, I have a certain level of arrogance towards those people. I think their view is very limited and in some cases narcissist in that they want to see themselves in their children ("she has got my nose"). I find that quite shallow and their experience is narrow.

As an adopter, you know so much more about parenting than most birth parents. You have learned about trauma, attachment and many other psychological theories and are applying that knowledge. You have overcome loss, fought for your child and had to make difficult choices (Can I parent a child who has gone through X,Y and Z?). Your friend chose IVF, you chose adoption. Why does she think her choice was harder? And if she thinks her choice was harder, why did she not choose adoption?

I would have loved to have my children as babies and what @Ted27 says resonates with me. When you adopt an older child and they are in their late teens, our parenting journey suddenly feels very short. That was my choice though and only that choice gave me my children, who are absolutely wonderful.