Other Children/ Play date etc

[Gafan]

My 8 year old has always struggled with playdates but as he's getting older I was thinking that it would improve but last few times it's just a bloody joke!
Now I know some will say don't do them or similar but that's not really a solution as he has to learn and work out how to play/ how to cope etc.
We always do them in his environment, he has warning times, but he just goes absolutely loopy shouting running round screaming.
Apart from this he's arguing constantly, telling lies, and the lack of listening is pushing me to my limit.
We have had him 5 years we have always had ups and downs like most of us but does it get better? I just feel like I'm on a treadmill that won't stop.
We have had loads of post adoption help, therapy , but I just feel like we still don't know the root cause of him aside from the trauma and behaviour that comes with being adopted.
I'm looking for some advice on where to go, what to do.
Ty

I'm sorry you're struggling.

Is it playdates at home, others, or both? What is he finding too much?

My advice will be don't set him up to fail. If you know he can't cope, don't put him in the situation until he can. This might mean starting with very very short playdates. It's not true he has to learn how to cope- pushing him may mean he never learns to cope, the exact opposite.

How does he cope with other unstructured social times? School playtime?

It sounds like you need more post adoption support. Have you used this year's ASF yet? Now's the time to start the ball rolling to get something in place with April's.

Sorry, I've realised you mean it's when others come to you.

It sounds like he can't cope with visitors. He needs home to be a safe space. My advice is meet that need- keep home safe, structured, quiet. No playdates in his space while he can't cope.

The arguing, lying, not listening- that all sounds like trauma, and something for the ASF.

Just here to hand hold. It's such a fine balance between trying to do what they need and what they can tolerate. We have littlies so can't comment on whether it ends, (I hope it does!)

I wonder whether the playdates make him feel out of control because he feels like he can't escape the situation and like he is forced to do it? Maybe allowing him to set a timer for how long he wants to stay, or setting up a code for I want to leave might help reduce some anxiety?

Alternatively, could there maybe be some digital playdates if he likes playing online, or something that might have less pressure?

I've found that asking mine to list all the things that could happen before we go (to the point of extremity) helps me to sometimes see where their thoughts are leaning. Something like "i wonder if you will play with sticks? I wonder if there will be snail on the stick? I wonder if you might play pirates, and get so excited! What else might happen? And then when they start to talk, raise the game- I wonder if it might be a purple sword with green jewels, or it might be used to target enemies, or clatter on fences or bop someone on the head!" Then when they reveal their ideas, empathise with the emotion behind it and try and work out what a trigger might be.

For you, is there anything you can do to make the playdates more bearable? Is there someone else who can take him to them, or a way to smuggle cake in, or can you schedule them on a day you get to do the shopping early on your own afterwards or something?

Sending you lots of compassionate vibes here, it's a tough gig when other parents are involved too. Good luck!

I am also going to say don't do them. I have an eight year old and he doesn't want play dates at his home, so we don't do them, and it's exactly what the PP said about home needing to be safe, structured, predictable and calm.

I don't think it's something that they have to do, and as your experience has shown, continuing to do them is not helping him to feel more comfortable with them, quite the opposite in fact.

We have had some play dates at friends' houses, but tend to limit the time we spend there to about an hour. Most of all, we do play dates at the park, sometimes planned, but more often than not we'll just turn up at the park and he'll play with whoever is there, which might be someone he knows or it might be someone new. See what your son wants to do, though, and try to follow his lead, as long as it fits within your own tolerance level. Don't make any of this harder on either of you than it needs to be.

Hi

Just for context he wants the playdates and asks for them . He's very popular and gets asked all the time

It's me that is trying to limit them because of the fall out , the crap that comes with the aftermath.

I think tbh there's so much going on with just parenting an adopted child that there's little joy , it's a constant battle uphill slog.

Ty for listening.

It sounds like you're really struggling. And that this is wider than playdates. I'm sorry. Are you getting any break to regroup and look after yourself here?

I really do recommend calling post adoption support. Could you join a listening circle or something for support?

Even if your son asks for the playdates, it's ok to say no if he can't cope. Eight year olds can't make these decisions, especially traumatised ones.

@Gafan I’m so to hear that you are struggling and in answer to your original question, it’s likely that life will always be a rollercoaster for you all now. I know it’s possibly not what you want to hear, but I’m another who would advise you to stop all play dates in your home. If behaviour is communication then your boy is signalling that he can’t really cope with the change of dynamics and ‘intruders’ in his safe space - even if he ‘thinks’ that this is what he wants. It sounds like you’re trapped in a vicious circle where you are both feeding off each other’s anxiety during the play dates and that this is then affecting your relationship and causing you to feel even more worn out and wrung out.

I know it’s a balancing act between parenting therapeutically and wanting our children to live ‘normal’ lives doing ‘normal’ things but sometimes the pressure of trying to fit in with the rest of the world while coping with their trauma is simply too hard. I’d take the pressure off both of you. You could perhaps look at online ‘play dates’ so setting up sessions for your boy to play Minecraft, for example, with his friend/s or organise times to take him and a friend to a trampoline park (great for expending that surplus energy and it’s okay to run around here). The beauty of things like trampoline parks is that you usually have a relatively short and fixed time slot. Of course, in the spring and summer, you could always move play dates to your local park and take a picnic.

My AD1 is now 16 and has been home 15 years and my AD2 is seven and came to me at 12 hours old. Both my children are also diagnosed neurodivergent, among other disabilities and physical impairments. I was forever hosting play dates for AD1, trying to make her, proverbial square peg, fit a round hole. In retrospect, we were both stressed and on tenterhooks about having other children in our home. I have never hosted a single play date for DD2, instead we make her out-of-school social life about her extra-curricular activities.