Behaviour in school

[Nel81]

This is a long one sorry. My son came home 16 months ago following a lot of moves between birth family members and foster carers. He's just turned 5 and started reception in September at the school I work in. He's had several bouts of dysregulation in that time but yesterday I was called up to the deputy head/senco's office to be told he'd hit a teacher during dinnertime with a knife (a butter knife, but still a knife) and he'd been really dysregulated afterwards so he personally took him for a walk. During this walk F was using a really deep growly voice, which he doesn't really do at home, and was then taken to the nurture room where he eventually calmed down and was playing nicely with the D.Hd/senco and then a TA. The teacher had said she had asked him to stop screaming, which is when he hit her with the knife but when I wondered with him later he said she'd tried taking his tray away and he hadn't finished his food. Obviously, I didn't witness it so don't know which version is true or if it was a combination of both things happening but this can't happen again. His reaction a tot home to things not going his way is to hit out with the thing closest to him, so I'm hoping it was this and not purposely choosing the knife, he knows knives are sharp and they hurt. They know he's adopted and I gave them information on him before he started but I didn't give full history. Should I? We've got parents evening the first day back after half term and the senco has already spoken to the ed psych and waiting for the reports back before we all have a meeting.

If you've read this far, thanks x

[121Sarah121]

It sounds like he is finding things overwhelming. My son was the same. We spent a lot of time working with the school (and other professionals) working out his triggers. Do you have any other professional involvement who can help navigate this? Feel free to PM me

[onlytherain]

If you work at the school, why did they not call you in to help him calm down? He is a severely traumatised 5 year old and has been with you less than 1.5 years. They might not do that with any other kids in his class, but none of them has gone through what he has gone through.

I would give the school a summary about his background such as "he has experienced many moves, emotional and physical abuse, ..., he has an avoidant attachment style, ..., he responds well to praise" etc. There is no need for details. The point is he is severely traumatised, probably hypervigilant and in constant survival mode and struggles to regulate his emotions, and they need to respond in therapeutic ways. However, no amount of detail will make them respond in appropriate ways if they are not trauma-informed, since therapeutic parenting techniques are often counter-intuitive.

You could contact post-adoption support, ask for an assessement and try to get funding for therapy via the ASF.

[BrontëParsonage]

Honestly, can you move him to a different school? I would suggest that this is a massive blurring of lines you being his mum and also working in his school. Many of our children act out at school or act out at home (in the case of my 15-year-old, who has been with me since a tiny baby, it’s currently both!) If you can’t move your child’s school, then can you move your job? I would be concerned that this could have endless professional repercussions for you, especially with other parents, if your child is prone to anger or violent outbursts, or result in a real blurring of home versus school boundaries for you and your son. Often, things can be so difficult, that it’s good for school to do school and home to do home and nary the two shall mix.

[onlytherain]

I agree with @BrontëParsonage. It is also hard for your little one to know that you are around but you unavailable to him when he is struggling.