Where do I start with the adoption process?

[ChickenNugget6]

I've always wanted to adopt a child. I love children and I believe I would be able to care for a child and change their world in a positive way.

I have 2 children who are still very little (toddler and infant) and I am hoping to adopt in around 3 years time.

I would also love to have another child, (I somewhat feel guilty about this?) ... I hope to adopt and have the child close(ish) together, perhaps 3-4 years.

I am not sure if I am being incredibly naive as I am picturing adopting a young child and then having another so they can be buddies.

Where do I start ... Is the adoption process easy? How long does it take to get onto the register? Do I need to start speaking to the adoption agencies now? Is this just not really possible?

(I am also considering adopting siblings instead but am leaving that thought at present).

Adoption agencies offer information evenings and Adoption UK offers virtual meet ups with other prospective adopters. I would recommend attending several of them.

"No Matter What" by Sally Donovan, "Building the Bonds of Attachment" by Dan Hughes and "The Adoption Experience" by Ann Morris are good books to get a feel for what adoption can be like.

I would read up on adoption, attachment and trauma. "Preparing for Adoption" by Julia Davis is an excellent introduction.

You do sound naive, but we all were at the start. :-) Many adopted children come with huge trauma and at times very challenging behaviours. This will impact you and your birth children and needs to be thought about very carefully. Reading up on adoption and talking to adoption agencies and adopters will help you to do so.

Thank you so much, that is some very useful information!

I guess I will slowly learn as I start attending these talks. I do work with children who suffer from mental health experiences so I understand the whirlwind that comes from trauma. I also know it's completely different having that experience in your own home.

I have time to think about things and learn so I will. Thank you so much!

@ChickenNugget6 are you a solo parent or do you have a partner?

I guess the main thing I'd say is how much could you cope with two very similar aged children and what if they were not mates?

Adoption agencies often ask for a couple of years age difference between birth and adopted children, and often prefer the adopted child to be the youngest on the family.

I wouldn’t plan to adopt with a view to having another pregnancy after placement - the impact on the adopted child is something most agencies would consider and I don’t know many who would progress your application on that basis. In your shoes I’d be thinking about whether your done having biological children before thinking about adoption.

Interesting and thank you for that. Do you know when would be a good time to think about it.

If I'm planning to have another child should I wait a couple of years before thinking about this? ...

My foster child is going through the adoption process right now.

The group that is managing this is a collaboration between Surrey, East Sussex and West Sussex - all local authority, not agency. Their website takes you through the process.

https://www.adoptionsoutheast.org.uk/

Would you recommend fostering first?

I think it's usually 2 years after you have your youngest that you would start,that's what our LA did.its really good to have the others a bit older and able to cope abit without you as settling an adopted child is like having a newborn in terms of intensity,they need all your attention all of the time.

*Interesting and thank you for that. Do you know when would be a good time to think about it.

If I'm planning to have another child should I wait a couple of years before thinking about this? ...*

My sense is you need to think about the reality of adoption first. Adopted children come with a lot of complexities, and usually have experienced significant trauma. They need a lot of time and care, and very flexible parenting strategies. You’re planning to have three birth children who will also need your time, care and attention. Parenting four children is a lot of work even when they don’t have the challenges of adoption.

Do some reading - my two are great kids but they need a lot of nurture. Everything can be fine one day and the next something has happened that will take literally weeks to unpick. Can you give that to an adopted child while also attending to 3 others not just in infancy but throughout their life course. Some adopted kids do really well with few issues, some have needs that are relatively easily met and some have very complex needs - it’s not really possible to know which yours will be at placement.

I’m not trying to put you off, but honestly think about the reality of parenting an adopted child while parenting 3 others. That’s your starting point.

If you are unsure, fostering first might be a good idea, but you would ideally need to foster a child that is on an interim care order, and on the path to adoption being the right outcome for them.

I suggest looking at the website I posted and read through the initial steps.

We are not adopting our foster child by the way, but the prospective adopter started the process in January 23 and the child should move before Christmas.

Our FC does not have any mental health issues or learning difficulties, btw. People are very surprised they are in care.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Hi @ChickenNugget6
Personally no I wouldn't advise fostering first, unless you really want to foster.

I adopted my son 11 years ago, he is now grown up and at university. I'm now fostering and its a completely different experience.
I think you really need to challenge yourself about why you want to adopt, its something that social workers will ask you about.
I'd also agree that if you think you want more birth children you should do that first, and then see if you have the energy for adoption.
Its a tough gig, the majority of adopted children have some level of additional needs, some are very complex. They can take up huge amounts of your time and energy, impact on your relationships, effect your career and finances. You need to think long and hard about the potential impact on your existing children.
I wouldn't have any child, birth or adopted, on the expectation that they will be a buddy for an existing child. You really can't guarantee they will get on, and if the adopted child has significant difficulties which impact on the other children's lives, they probably won't thank you for it.
Lastly we all started out with our rosy tinted specs, adoption is in part a journey of discovery about yourself, and there is no such think as a silly question

You could also adopt a child that is very easy to parent at first but at some point becomes very challenging. The world of adoption is full of the unexpected and unknown. Our sw told me at the time that my children seemed to have a lower level of trauma than most other children placed for adoption. Little did she know...

I would also think about how it might feel for an adopted child to be the only adopted child of four. I think that could be very difficult.