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Adoption

Introductions

8 replies

AMP16 · 01/10/2023 18:00

Hi everyone. Just looking for some advice. I have been matched (solo adopter )with a 3 year old boy, been through matching panel and start introductions in the next few weeks. I’m hoping that you can offer any advice on what to do/expect etc etc. Thanks in advance

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ButtheadAndBeavis · 01/10/2023 20:59

Congratulations!
Introductions are a scary and exciting time.

Our social worker sent us a rough guide as to how the time should play out, hopefully yours will do the same. We had 1-2 days where we spent all of our time in foster parents home with them slowly taking more of a step back and us increasing our level of care giving. Then we had 1-2 days of us taking them out of the home for short periods; the first time with foster parent and second without. Then they visited our home; with foster parent, without foster parent and for increasing amounts of time.

I'd imagine yours will be similar.

Expect some uncertainty from child - and don't be hurt by them seeking foster parents support / comfort. Follow their lead and be open and accepting. Our LO was very open to physical touch and affection very quickly but many children won't be.

Good luck x

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Torvy · 01/10/2023 22:38

Congratulations! What wonderful news :)

Our family finding social worker sent a draft introductions to all parties and we got a chance to feedback to her then had a meeting where we all went through it step by step. It covered things like any nursery goodbye parties, what stuff was to be moved and when, any sleepovers and collection times etc. Then we got to push back on things that involved journey times or practical matters etc. At one point they wanted him bringing back over rush hour, which would have meant 2-3 hours in the car, and his FC didn't have one, so he really really wasn't used to it.

We asked to be allowed to observe him in nursery which was helpful because we could go to his new nursery and explain his baseline behaviour.

Make sure you factor in stuff for you as well, like last minute shopping, some r and r, time to chat with friends etc. Be pushy about it if you need to- expect it to be weirdly emotionally intense in a way that you didn't imagine... I cried on my way home because we left a paw patrol ball he played with at the park and I couldn't find the same one to replace it with. He didn't give a crap, it was me, but it was hard!

We found it helpful to take photos because you are now becoming part of your child's story that they are conscious of. It's nice to be able to tell them stories about where they spent at least part of their childhood, what parks they visited, what route they took to the local shops etc. It connects you with them and that place as it were.

Expect it to be a bit weird with the FC. You spend a lot of time in their house and (hopefully!) Getting to know them quite well, but the only thing you have in common is the child. It's an odd and intense experience, because you are also sort of taking a crash course in parenting whilst being hovered over by the FC who has their own way of doing stuff, and as a first time parent it can feel hard to balance what you think should be done vs what they know should be done.

Don't be afraid to ask for it to be shortened or lengthened depending on the vibe of the child. Some kids need time to warm up, some kids just need a clean break.

Plan, plan and plan. Honestly, it helped us to know that we could go home to a meal from the freezer, we had all the laundry up to date, snacks for us in the car, we put reminders in our phone to fill fuel tanks up and keep track of mileage (you can and should be reimbursed, make sure you do that!) And look up stuff like local parks both near you and the FC, indoor and outdoor. It's nice to have the option of popping into somewhere for a coffee to kill a few minutes or to buy a treat or know where tesco is to grab some of their favourite snack.

If you can, try to really talk to someone about their final day before it actually happens. Ask whether the social worker will be there, will it be a fanfare or just a "normal" goodbye? We had it both ways, and if I'm honest, the low key one was a bit harder as it didn't feel like there was much closure. He half expected to be taken back that evening, whereas with his brother it was definitely clear it was final because there were a few gifts and his social worker was there to escort us to the car and do the official handover and paperwork.

Good luck, and remember to take care of yourself. Its important to make sure you can pour from a full cup, not an empty one!

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usedmeteor · 02/10/2023 14:39

Congratulations! We're not at this stage yet but I've been advised to write notes or a diary at the end of each day. Your little one might want to know more about when you first met, and you'll not want to forget a thing!

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AMP16 · 02/10/2023 17:55

Thanks everyone, that’s been really helpful!

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BrontëParsonage · 02/10/2023 20:53

Multivitamins! You or little one will invariably become ill either during intros or immediately post-placement (immune systems lowered by internalised stress).

Expect to feel bone tired and wrung out like a dishcloth at the end of each day. It’s actually exhausting sitting on the sofa of complete strangers and feeling that your every move and interaction with the child is being scrutinised.

Try to decompress at the end of each day and perhaps warn your loved ones that you may be too tired to want to chat through how it’s all going. Your loved ones will be very excited and WILL have expectations about communication so perhaps preplan how often you will want to speak to them because they WILL want every single little minute detail.

Sleep at every opportunity.

Take a lidded coffee cup to the foster carers’ for child safety when you are having hot drinks. And savour every mouthful of said hot drinks because get used to tepid drinks from now on!

Is your little fella potty trained? Will you need to pack a nappy bag for trips out? Stock up on baby wipes like you are a crazy prepper.

Bubbles! There is not a small child alive who does not love bubbles. Buy wands and wands. They are the ultimate ice-breaker and they are good for helping in games to build attachments/bonds and they’re also great for helping children with speech issues.

Grin and bear them. They’re the most artificial, surreal, stressful weeks of your life. Consider them an endurance test and know that they will not be a reflection of how your real life with YOUR child will be once you properly start your lives together.

And sleep some more.

Good luck!

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Formby · 03/10/2023 10:35

I’m a foster carer who has moved several children the age of your little one on to adoption. I thought i would write from a foster carer perspective.

We (and my fellow foster carers who have experience of introductions) will welcome you into our homes. We will not be judging your parenting skills but will offer advice, information and guidance where we feel this could be helpful. We will try to make introductions run as smoothly as possible. We are totally focused on the little one who we have nurtured through some often traumatic times. We have tried our best to prepare the child for this moment.

It will feel strange to be in someone else’s home, it’s strange for us too. I worry if any meals I make for you will be okay (I’m no chef lol).

Some things to consider- are there birth or foster children living in the household? How are they feeling and how will they be involved? We will work to support these other children but it could be helpful to know.
Are there any shift workers in the household?
What preparation has your little one had?
Have they had the opportunity to say some goodbyes e.g nursery?
When was their last contact with their birth family and how did this go?
What belongings will they be bringing with them?
What will happen on the final day when it’s time to say goodbye?
How will you contact the foster carer in the future if you need to check anything out?
If it’s beneficial for the child to have some kind of ongoing contact with the foster carer, when will this happen, will it be FaceTime or actually meeting up?

It is a surreal time but hopefully will run smoothly as we are all aiming for the same outcome. Good luck with everything.

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Ted27 · 03/10/2023 19:12

@AMP16

Congratulations! Fellow single adopter here.
My best advice is to keep a check on your expectations. You may fall head over heels in love and get on like a house on fire, you may not, you may be somewhere in between. Whatever your emotions its fine.
Remember that they will be scared and overwhelmed. You chose this and have been preparing, they did not.
Hopefully you will get a great FC, but sometimes it can be difficult, any issues - let your SW deal with it.
It can feel very overwhelming, particularly as a single person as you have no one to bounce your thoughts off. Have a few people lined up to call in the evenings for some support.
Good luck - exciting times !

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CraftyGin · 06/10/2023 21:41

Watching with interest.

I am foster carer moving our FC onto adoption in the next few months. There are lots of foster carers in my support group who have moved children to adoption and/or have adopted them themselves.

We have met the new mum, and she is lovely. All the social workers that have met her say the same. We are waiting for panel, but need to have a 'bump into' meeting beforehand.

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