Problems with reception already

[teekay88]

Hi everyone - sorry if this ends up being a long post - looking for a handhold more than anything I think as not sure there is a 'solution'

DS is nearly 5, adopted at 13ms. Since age 3, we have had big issues with dysregulation and aggression - they peaked v badly around a year ago but with a lot of v timely support from Adoption UK, we have learnt some game changing strategies, understand so much more about impact of trauma on his behaviour and 80% of the time although parenting him is v hard work, are able to be preventative enough that it's rare we have the type of extreme meltdowns we used to at home

However DS has never been one to 'mask' in settings - if anything at nursery/school his behaviour is much more challenging. We had a huge rollercoaster with what turned out to be a v poorly matched nursery to him and I kicked myself for not withdrawing him sooner as I think their lack of understanding of his issues led to him essentially being labelled as a naughty child in the class and has caused ongoing anxiety issues for him. It was only very close to the end (last 3ms of a 2.5 year run) that they actually took me up on my multiple offers to discuss his needs/background and finally involved who turned out to be a good SENCO who went on Trauma Perceptive Practice training. This made a big difference but sadly was somewhat too little too late.

DS struggles with getting over attached to point of obsession with adults and this was the case with his 1 good keyworker. Whilst it gave him a sense of security it also triggered anxiety when he became aware change was coming and about 3ws before the end of nursery we had a serious incident where he was a risk to other children, went into major meltdown hurting teachers and throwing chairs across room (as well as some v violent aggressive language). My heart broke for him as he had to be restrained in the moment to keep others safe, and he had done SO well for so long. I think it was the culmination of everything coming to the fore

We are currently in limbo but have had our 2nd attempt at a CAMHS self-referral accepted with an upcoming appt where we hope to begin a journey to discover whether there is something like attachment disorder, developmental trauma, and/or (we suspect) ADHD (although frankly this is the least of our worries). He has recently started reception and prior, we met with what seemed to be a v good SENCO, had transition visits and meetings where I was able to explain more about his needs. Unfortunately because we have no concrete diagnosis, although I know how significant his issues are, I'm aware it all seems a little 'wishy washy' from the outside. Initially I was feeling v optimistic - relieved that SENCO seemed much more knowledgeable and the school seemed on board with working alongside us

Since starting I am already filled with anxiety and despondence. I am totally aware that he is responding to change and transition so at home we understand this and his behaviour has been OK with some rudeness to be expected. At school we have some strategies pre-set up such as communication book and he has some time in the sensory area. However, there have already been some situations where I have felt they have taken a v traditional stance on his behaviour and he has ended up getting the blame for a scenario I had already warned them would need close supervision

On several occasions, he has engaged in hitting with another child and has got dysregulated after over excitement/frustration (big triggers for him). I made them aware he is VERY absorbent of other childrens' energy and that it would be a bad idea to group him with other boisterous children. He seems to be spending a lot of time with a little boy who hits him a lot (not an issue in itself, I would hardly be one to judge!) but this is exacerbating his behaviour as he is responding in the moment and hitting back. We are working on his impulsivity and crucially getting him to speak to a teacher first when frustrated but a v tall order for a 5yo with his issues which is why we asked them to keep a close eye on this. Last week an LSA (who I'm sorry to say was an older lady and seemed v traditional school teacher-esque) explained he had been 'sent' to a Yr 2 teacher with a friend as they had been hitting each other after a squabble and that he 'must' report any frustration to her in the dinner hall. I froze in the moment when receiving the feedback but on reflection I am struggling to see what being 'sent' to her was supposed to do - what was the end goal? I can't help thinking this was a v traditional shame-based approach to make him intimidated because she is an teacher of older children (or something?!). He also came back from school quite upset Friday (rare for him to be sensitive about these things) stating that a Yr 6 girl had shoved him to the floor and pulled his tie round his neck. He is not one to get too upset but this seemed to have upset him. When school phoned about something else and it was mentioned their response is that it had been 'dealt with' but that it may have been 'a response to a shove from him' - although they can't know as they didn't see. Why they would assume a 5yo may have been at fault over a yr 6 girl is v bizarre.

They are implementing some strategies in the room and their language is marginally more tolerant than that of nusery's but I am already sensing they have high expectations of behaviour and are not adapting traditional techniques to his needs. This is in context of me having pre-briefed them on what does/doesn't work, communicating in his book techniques that help, and his nursery SENCO having run a session with them. I am already getting worried we are in for (this time a v long) round 2 of him being very misunderstood. I know its v irrational at this stage but when I think medium to long term I worry about the potential for exclusion in time

I guess I just feel so deflated - and worst, anxious and a bit cross on his behalf as he has made so much progress at home and I feel like he is going to walk through life at school being viewed a certain way which has already had a major impact on his self-esteem. Wanted to post this somewhere I knew others would understand. Sorry for the essay!

[Catleveltired]

There's lots here, so sorry if I miss bits.

Firstly- I've been there. You have to look after yourself first. All my advice is going to sound like a long list of things for you to do. So the first thing on that list is schedule something nice for you, a day off, a coffee in peace, get a cleaner, outsource something. Then:

My advice is don't let things slide with school. Start as you mean to go on, give them books, beacon house print outs, everything. Get the virtual head involved. We found schools can go on training. And then completely forget it when faced with a "difficult" child. Get them to tell you what they've learned from training, what they can do to implement that with your child. Be very practical. Be pushy with school, ask for occupational therapy, educational psychology, apply for an EHCP. What are they spending his pupil premium plus on?

I found CAMHS useless. Apply for post adoption support, and the adoption support fund for assessments and therapy.

Apply for DLA, so you can pay for the cleaner, cut your work hours to do all the stuff required for EHCP etc.

It's exhausting.

[Gafan]

Hiya.
I think the key here is getting the school to understand your child through you. Get in contact and ask for a meeting with his key people IE teacher, LSA, head, senco etc and tell them about your son. If need be give out like a profile of him what his triggers are, his initial reaction will be x and how they deal with it.

I have a meeting with my son's teacher every half term with a pp and have done since the beginning and he's just started year 3.

Ask for a breakdown on what his pupil premium is being spent on and if he needs extra help or even a sensory session that is where it can be spent.

Ask if any of the teachers have been on or willing to go on attachment course, ask how many LAC children there are .

Give post adoption a call and once you have a meeting they will decide where and what is needed and hopefully direct you the right way.
Best of luck

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I think your expectations of your son are a bit unreasonable, it’s normal to be upset when a much bigger child shoves you to the floor, many kids will hit back if someone hits them. My first step would be holding the school responsible for providing an environment that is physically safe for your child. It’s not ok that children are physically hurting your child whatever the reason for that may be.

Does he have an ECHP? That’s the next thing I’d get busy on regardless of whether the school thinks he needs one.

I’d also be keeping on top of the school. Ask them why he’s being sent to another teacher as a form of discipline, get them to explain their approach to the communication book, etc etc. Basically every time there is an issue, speak to the school and have them explain how what they are doing is consistent with the discussions they’ve had with you and if it’s not been consistent, why not. You need to be very proactive and very assertive

There are lots of things schools can do to support children in school, but they need to have a flexible, willing approach. Ultimately if they won’t work with you, I’d look for a different school.

[Montues]

I think everybody else has given really good advice here, but I just wanted to say my son just started reception too and sounds very similar to yours. His final weeks at nursery were also really triggering and he was the most dysregulated we have known him. They almost asked us to take him out.
We do have an EHCP and that’s with no diagnosis and not being seen in CAMHS. We used a SALT report and a letter from our post adoption support as our initial evidence to request the EHCP assessment. You still need a school that interprets the EHCP consistently etc but to us it feels v protective for now. I’m also worried about exclusion potentially or that realistically mainstream can’t meet his needs long term. Time will tell (and the not knowing is very unsettling).
It’s stating the obvious but feeling safe is the big thing isn’t it, and so often schools don’t see that acting out or dysregulation comes from feeling very very scared. It’s not a rational thing where a 5 year old can then go and tell somebody how they are feeling. They need much more scaffolding and holding than that.
All the children we know locally (including ones who are not adopted or with SEN needs) are really struggling with adjusting to reception. It’s a massive transition and I think comparable to past moves and losses. It’s trying to get that message across, emphasising what helps your son feel safe, what makes things feel less safe, and seeing if the school can get on board. Post adoption support need to be helping you with this and advocating too.
My son is struggling, exhausted, bedtimes are tough again, really wants to feel in control of everything. What is helping in school though is one to one TA especially at playtimes, having time at start of day to check in with his TA, and everybody emphasising him building that relationship with an adult. Also non punitive and non shaming responses to hitting etc. he’s also only doing half days for now (but he’s a summer born child so not yet statutory school age).
Im finding this whole period totally exhausting and stressful too so I really empathise with what you’re feeling.
One thing you say that does ring alarm bells is the teacher’s response to a year 6 child hurting him. You’re completely right to find that wrong and the blame/shame aspect rather than taking care of and responsibility for children feeling safe in their school seems very back to front.
Take care and I hope you get support with this very soon.

[Seashor]

I’ve read all your post and all the replies. I’m an adopter and an early years teacher. There is absolutely no way I could manage everything your child needs in a class of 30, absolutely no way. Budgets are non existent and your child needs will not be able to be met. As a parent you can insist, demand, suggest as much as you like, it just won’t be possible. And before anyone suggests the TA, what TA!!!!!

You said about keeping him away from other boisterous children, four and five year olds ARE boisterous.

There will be no extra staff to support him unless he gets an ECHP.

You seem to think that some of the strategies the school are using are old fashioned and shaming but they are good strategies to use to diffuse situations and give children space, because he can’t be left alone and school can’t magic up staff to whisk him off for a chat.

My friend went into school as a volunteer TA so that another TA could be spared to work 1-1 with his adopted child. He met his child’s needs full on. We moved 250 and remortgaged our house so our child could attend the school that they needed. What are you going to do over and above to support your child’s education?

In an ideal world every school would have a budget to support all children’s needs , but they don’t. Adopted children, as we know, have extra needs. I’d take a long hard look and think about deferring him a year or see what I could do to help school support him and if that means going in then that’s what I’d do.

[Catleveltired]

Wow, @Seashor . That is a lot you're putting on adoptive parents. Have you given up work for your child? Because lots of us can't. It's great you were able to take big steps like moving, and had the money in property. But we don't all have that. Quite rightly, you don't have to be affluent to adopt, it sounds like you're in a very above average financial position.

I know schools are stretched, but they do get a SEN budget, there should be TA time, and EHCPs take time and evidence. And a lot of work for the parents. The school get pupil premium plus, which should be used to benefit our cohort of children and not everyone else, as well as the general first level Sen budget. This can be used while awaiting EHCP.

I wouldn't advocate a stretched adopter using their only recovery time to volunteer in school unless they wanted to. If the adopter burns out, that doesn't help the child. Children with additional needs have the right to access their education, and adopters aren't super parents who can drop everything and have a money tree.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

You seem to think that some of the strategies the school are using are old fashioned and shaming but they are good strategies to use to diffuse situations and give children space, because he can’t be left alone and school can’t magic up staff to whisk him off for a chat.

Shaming discipline strategies have no place in school irrespective of additional support needs of the children. They’ve been evidenced to be ineffective and counter productive. My kids school has done and excellent job of supporting both my children with differing needs - flexibility of thinking and approach are much more important than having enough funding for. 1:1 for every child.

Patents shouldn’t need to go into school with their children to ensure they are treated with dignity and respect, and to ensure they can access the curriculum. That’s literally what school staff are paid to do.

[cansu]

You shouldn't of course have to go into school to support him! However managing him at home on a 1.1 in a quiet predictable environment is not the same as managing him and 29 others (many of whom will also have additional needs). Other parents will expect the school to protect their kids from yours in the same way others have suggested you should feel when your child is pushed or hit by another.

Understanding and approach
only goes so far. The school will need resources and staff to manage and help your dc.

[BrontëParsonage]

@teekay88 I’m really short of time so please forgive the bullet point nature of this response, but, honestly, I would seek to find a more suitable school for your child. It seems that he is already being labelled as the ‘naughty boy’ and victim shamed for being attacked by a child who is six years older and no doubt much bigger.

Watch out that the ‘communication book’ does not become a daily litany of complaints about your child’s behaviour. In my experience, it’s more of a mechanism by which staff can vent their spleen and it becomes a spiral of negativity.

You have tried to educate the setting about your child’s needs but they are apparently not listening. Some people genuinely do not want to hear and some schools only talk the talk on inclusivity but they don’t walk the walk. Is it a school in a leafy, middle-class area, by any chance? PPs are correct: there is a notional budget of circa £6K to be spent on your child’s needs and then he will attract additional pupil premium-plus funding. You can also speak to your adoption support agency about putting in an application to the ASF for funding to provide therapeutic inputs.

My biggest piece of advice to you would be to seek an EHCP for your son: you can kickstart this process by requesting an EHC needs assessment from your LA’s SEN department. You will find template request letters online and you can get help from SENDIASS and IPSEA. Also, please check out organisations like Not Fine in School for some moral and peer support; you are so not alone in this situation.

As to giving up your job or your other life commitments to volunteer to be your child’s shadow in class - bollocks to that! 😅I think that is one of the least empathetic suggestions I have ever read on this forum, and that’s saying something. What we do is parenting plus and it is okay to have time away from your child to gird your loins for the guaranteed next fight - unless you signed a contract of martyrdom in blood when your boy was placed.

Good luck and keep posting.