My sister had a baby...

[Torvy]

I'm having a bit of a weird time about this and wanted some hand holding/words of wisdom/a space to vent where I know people will get it.

9 months ago we adopted our two little ones. Best decision we ever made, they delight and infuriate me in equal measures, are funny and witty and as badass 2 and 3 year old as you could wish to meet. Love 'em.

My sister has just had a baby, she was trying for ages to conceive, but I think found it hard to really believe it as it were. I'm happy for her, I really am. But it has meant lots of comments in my family about babies, and it being the most exciting part of parenthood, my mum making her usual tact-of-a-sledgehammer comments about stuff like "I just wish you had been able to experience motherhood of a baby" etc and its just hitting me differently and I feel more sensitive than normal.

We live quite far away from my siblings and parents. They see each other a lot, and I guess I'm just feeling different and a bit left out. I've always forged my own path a bit been different from my family in many ways, which has been right for me, but it's hard not to feel a bit separate and on my own.

Its not helpful that we are going through a bit of a difficult patch with AS3, mainly because nobody seems to believe he meets the threshold for their involvement despite significant issues at home- nursery say he is fine with them, speech and language say his vocab is too advanced and they can't help us, OT said he can hold a pencil and speak so they can't do anything. We are holding out hope for the comm paeds and ASF to support us, but by this point I'm so sick of him playing in doctors offices and watching him charm them, but then at home having him meltdown and regress (sometimes because of the assessment sessions). I wept when I read the speech and language report because it felt like it basically said no real problems observed in session, but parents reported xyz.... but the issue is not his general development but the dysregulation and extremity of it, which he usually saves for us at home. I know thats good, he feels aafe with us etc, but it does mean we can feel a bit gaslit sometimes! We work on strategies and it is improving, but I don't believe that most typical families live in the way that we do and put in the amount of support that we do to help our boys, and so to say it isn't a problem feels very dismissive. If he is struggling so much AND we are doing so much at home, surely that indicates he maybe needs some extra support? It's not your average tantrums! Anyway, I in no way begrudge the stuff we do, but I feel like screaming at professionals because I'm like... how can you tell me my child is OK when just to get here we had to do so many many things, and the cost of it will be so high?

So then to simultaneously have my sister have her baby (who is an absolute darling, super cute etc) and have everyone obsessed by the new baby and it to come with some unfortunate observations by how "naughty" AS3 was at a recent family gathering, I'm just feeling a bit out on a limb from my family, and a bit tender and hurt. I know its not a bed of roses for my sister either, mainly because she is the one who mainly deals with my mum, plus she seemed quite shell-shocked when I spoke to her on the phone, which is understandable. I want her to feel all the lovely new mum feelings and to feel special and like I'm delighted for her, which I am, but it's also more complicated than that. I feel sad that we missed out on our twos' babyhood, cross that they don't get the help they need, jealous of my sister for getting that, delighted to have a new nephew and cousin for the boys, weirded out that my baby sister is a mum, happy that mine can put their own shoes on and make their own juice, irritated at the insensitive comments from my mum, worried about my sister because she seems a bit distant, cross that we need help and nobody believes us.... its all a bit of a tangled mess in my head at the minute!

Any sage words of wisdom to help me work through this? Is it normal? Does it reduce over time? Am I being unreasonable? Will copious amounts of chocolate help me, or should I just eat my feelings in the way I reassured my assessing social worker I would obviously never do because I would go for a healthy walk instead?

[vjg13]

I'm an adoptee and not an adoptive parent so I won't try to answer that part of your OP but I do have a daughter with special needs, I'm up and so I'll offer my experience with that part of your OP!

Trust your instincts as a parent and keep pushing for the support your son needs. I have encountered many professionals who were dismissive about my daughter's needs. It can be the calibre of the professional, it can be that services are stretched and they are prioritising the support to those with a greater level of difficulty but you do need to keep pushing and asking for support.

[vjg13]

Just as an aside, I really didn't think babyhood was the most exciting part of parenthood! 🙂

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I didn’t want to read and run, you’re not being unreasonable at all - I’ll come back with a fuller response but no, you’re not being unreasonable.

[ChaosAndCrumbs]

Torvy, that sounds tough. I’m also an adoptee, but I can see exactly why it would stir up those feelings and be a difficult situation. It would be totally normal in the situation to have those feelings. I’d absolutely think a part of parenting a child who’s adopted is grieving the lost time with them - my mum grieved our lost time together. I wonder if your family members can be helped to reframe the idea of naughty as I think that’s unhelpful for you both. You sound like you’re working incredibly hard to get the support your ds needs, which is exhausting. Is there a friend you can vent to outside the situation? Or can you perhaps speak to a counsellor who understands adoptive parenting just to air the feelings and process them?

My DS has adhd and that can be a tough ride to get support for, so I can only imagine how tricky it is when doctors and health professionals understand a situation less and have less training on it. My ds masks at school and is a ‘model pupil’ according to teachers, which is reassuring in some ways, but very hard when trying to access support. Don’t be disheartened by the descriptions by professionals. It can sound cold because it’s written to contain specific objective and subjective points. Their description of you saying these behaviours happen and your ds didn’t display them at the time means other professionals can start to see a pattern in the settings he displays certain behaviours in. It doesn’t mean professionals won’t believe what you’ve reported when they read those notes or letters. You might already do this, but I found it helpful to keep a diary of behaviours and factors (eg. School, sleep, hunger, shouting, throwing things, crying etc) so when I went to professionals I had something to show them. Support is so stretched at the moment, you have to keep pushing and pushing to be heard and that is exhausting in itself. You’re doing the right thing trying to get support early, but don’t dismiss your feelings no matter what anyone tells you - it’s so key you are taking care of your emotional needs too.

[Ted27]

@Torvy

no you aren’t being unreasonable.
Adoption is such a complex thing, it will stir up all sorts of emotions at different times and often over relatively trivial things.
I remember feeling such a bad mum when I took my newly arrived 8 year old to buy shoes, the assistant asked what size he took and I didnt know. How could I not know that.

That feeling of missing out is particularly acute for me just now. We have no baby photos, nothing earlier than 3, I so wish I had them. Him leaving home has hit me hard - I feel a bit cheated to be honest, I’ve only had him 11 years, other parents get their children for 18 years at least before they leave.
My best friend has 17 year old twins, my boy has grown up and left home, she still has hers. She is being wonderful by the way, but its my emotion.

I joked with some other friends that I will either go into a decline and lose two stone ( which I really need to) or stuff my face and put on another two.
It looks like stuffing my face, although as I dont drive I go for enforced healthy walks every day, and I went to the gym yesterday.

Do whatever gets you through the day.

[Catleveltired]

You are perfectly normal, all these feelings.

I've recently had an appointment with DC where the professional said "yes, I completely see everything you say" and I could have hugged her, as I do often get told the opposite when they mask. It's exhausting.

I have birth and adopted children, and I didn't enjoy the newborn stage. I think part of the cooing from everyone is to gaslight new mothers into not going "fuck this!" It's normal to grieve what you missed out on, but also don't build it up into some magical experience. All mums do this- if you can't breastfeed, society gaslights you into thinking that's magical, they fetishise vaginal birth, mums who had PND feel they missed the "lovely newborn stage". So many lies. The whole of society is set up to make new mums feel they missed something important, to make them feel awful, guilty. Whereas the truth is you're here, parenting, and each stage passes with some good bits, but many challenges.

Ignore those insensitive. Feel your loss- it's ok to take the time to grieve. Gird yourself for the challenges ahead with LO, and walk your own path proudly. You're doing brilliantly.

And you're normal.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

 If he is struggling so much AND we are doing so much at home, surely that indicates he maybe needs some extra support?

You’ve a lot on your plate so I’m going to start here. He does need extra support, he’s already getting extra support from you as his parents so your instincts aren’t wrong here. Unfortunately the state of services at the moment mean you need to meet their very limited criteria to receive a service, and some areas of services are better than others.

Community paeds is a good starting point (though I know you’ve been on this carousel for a while now). They have time and space to look at his development this far and to observe him in the appointment- and they will look at him holistically so not just his physical/cognitive development but also his emotional development, ability to regulate etc. You can discuss with them services that might be useful and they will refer from there. Our community paeds was a life saver in a number of ways and advocated for different specialisms. You can explain the things you’re needing to put in place to help your little one function and what you think is going on. They have good knowledge of different specialisms and how to access them. For example my DD was discharged from SALT, community paeds referred her back in but to a specialist service for her particular difficulties.

You will need to get used to strongly advocating for your child, which feels like yet another task, but a necessary one. Unfortunately it can feel like professionals are saying “it must be the parents” when they don’t see what you do - really resist taking this on though, it’s often a way of kicking the can down the line. Ask them to explain why they think you’re seeing what you are and how they understand that in the context of adoption and early trauma. Read and educate yourself so you’re equipped for those discussions. I’ve argued my child into services purely because the professionals got the message that I know at least as much as they do, and I wasn’t for backing down.

It’s tiring and frustrating but you’re doing the right thing here. If you’re able to say more about your sons challenges, folk here will have really good advice.

In terms of your feelings about your sister, of course it all feels a bit raw, it’ll bring up all of your own losses and be mixed in with your happiness for her. We can be happy and disappointed about the same thing. The “lovely new squishy baby” narrative don’t be helping any.

Take things easy, give yourself the time and space to feel what you’re feeling and try to give yourself some grace. We can’t always manage the way we’d like, it’s ok to go into survival mode if need be.

[Torvy]

Hi everyone thank you so much for your kind words and reassurances! Adoption is a funny old thing, and I'm never sure whether I'm overthinking things or just being sensitive!

@vjg13 thank you, this is reassuring to know that babyhood isn't the most exciting part.... I love that my kids can speak to me and we get to do loads of fun stuff now, but obviously that's not the narrative that people so often give!

@ChaosAndCrumbs I hadn't really thought about the idea that noting they were different in sessions vs at home could be useful. I like the idea of keeping a diary, if only to note any changes.

@Ted27 I'm so happy for your boy, but it must be very hard. I thi k the missing out feelings are amplified so much at times of transition, but it sometimes seem so intense. It's a grief because you haven't lost them, but something you could never have had.

@Catleveltired you are right about society. Usually I'm a bit more of a "screw them all, I'll parent my way and thats valid so sod off", it's always reassuring to be reminded that the deck is a bit stacked against us!

@Jellycatspyjamas I didn't really know that comm paeds could do that, so that's reassuring! It has been held up as this sort of mythical referral, but having been to the rest of the appointments and been summarily dismissed, I just got so worried they would do the same thing, but knowing they xna refer to a specialised branch of speech and language is useful to know. I will do some research as to what I think might be helpful or useful for him.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and reassurances. Sometimes it the middle of the night it can be very hard. I have a lovely OH who is supportive, and I'm going to meet with one of my friends soon so that I can speak with her about it too.

Thank you all!

[onlytherain]

Your feelings are completely normal and you are clearly very in tune with what you feel and why. Your little ones can and will learn heaps from you! You are only 9 months in, which at the time for me felt like forever and like we were having a very solid family, but looking back we were of course at the very beginning of our journey. Your children will soon feel just as much "yours" as your sister's will feel to her. They will never be babys again though and that is a loss. I agree with @vjg13 though. Babies are lovely, but also very hard work.

We privately paid for a story stem assessmnt for my children and that has been incredibly helpful over the years, because it gave us something tangible to base our argument on. Story stem assessments are comparatively low key and "cheap" (I think it cost 500). They are recommended from age 4, so depending if your son has just turned three or is closer to 4, might be worth considering.

I would calculate his number of ACEs. I find most professionals in the UK know the research around ACEs and respond strongly to them. If your child has over 4 ACEs, professionals should know about the elevated risks this brings.

Have a look at "The Adopter's Handbook to Therapy", so you are familiar with what's out there and so you get a feel for what you want for your child. You can then advocate for your child to get that support.

Where the professionals who assessed your child trauma-informed (not just by having done a 2 hour workshop, but by having longterm experience of working with traumatised children)? Did they have experience of working with adopted children? That usually makes a big difference. Organisations that work in a trauma-informed way with adoptive families are eg. Family Futures and the Anna Freud Centre in London, Beacon House near Chichester. Beacon House also has excellent online resources. Other posters might be able to recommend specialised organisations in the north.

[Orangeandgold]

@vjg13

Just as an aside, I really didn't think babyhood was the most exciting part of parenthood! 🙂

I second that!

As a parent I would happily skip these years. In all seriousness in my mind, anyone that chooses to adopt or give a child a better life in a world where so many people are against children, is amazing.

I wish your family could view it from that standpoint. What is important is that you love your children and you are doing everything in your power to bring them up. If there is a family member you trust maybe you can bring it up with them so that there is someone that you trust. Or maybe having a 121 with your sister and just openinly talking about parenting to find the common ground.

I hope you are feeling lots better

[Whatthechicken]

It does sound like your child does need extra support, but I wonder if his behaviours/feelings etc. have also been heightened because of a new baby in the family. My little girl missed out on being nurtured as a baby and often craved being 'babied'. When younger she loved to be fed, even though she could feed herself, rocked, sung lullabies - it did help when she wobbled. At 7, she still loves to be cradled, wrapped up snug in a blanket, sometimes asks for her 'baby cup', asks to be 'checked on' after lights out. She is obsessed with dolls and real life babies - but it does often spark a conversation afterwards about what she was like as a baby and why she couldn't stay with her birth mum. Just a thought I know your child is young anyway, but I wonder if 'babying' your son a bit may help you both.

[Torvy]

Ok, so just a quick update...

We have visited my nephew a few times now, he is adorable but it isn't particularly raising broody feelings in me, and I feel less weird about it. Family managed to keep comments to a minimum, and sister is doing really well and is very chilled. I feel much more secure having visited in person, and for many reasons, much more confident about our life choices!

I feel a bit more relaxed about life, although hardly sanguine as AS3 is keeping us on our toes. @Whatthechicken those are all excellent suggestions, and we have implemented many but always good to pick up a few more ideas.

We had the first momentary flicker of interest in his own life story the other day that he quickly tamped down, but we have been doing lots of narrating about what a good birth mum does, look how [sister] cares for [nephew], what do you think the baby wants, that's what should happen, it didn't for you but you know you can always have a cuddle/bottle because you are mamas baby etc, narrating feelings. As an aside, and something other people may wish to consider is that our therapist mentioned was that for longevity, we need to embed the idea that you can learn to be a good parent, and that the child has the capacity to be a good parent to both know that in the future, they can be good parents and break the cycle, but also to emphasise that birth parents just didn't have the capacity at the time (but that they might be able to do so in the future, just not in time for them) etc.

The concerns with AS3 remain, unfortunately the comm paeds was a bit of a washout until we made a complaint about the doctor, turns out that they don't have the clinical pathway for diagnosis yet in that trust so it was "understandable" she was confused about what we were asking for. Luckily we now have some blood tests being run and referrals made as a result of being "that guy" amd complaining.

Things don't feel calm per se, but i feel slightly less muddled than before.

Thank you once again everyone for your kind words!