Starting school, not coping

[Noimaginationforaun]

I didn’t want the title to be too long but it is me that’s not coping.

Our boy has been home 2 years and started school this month. He is very shy and it’s not been a smooth transition for him. We moved house at the beginning of summer and the new school is all new people who he doesn’t know. He’s a bit overwhelmed with all the class, can’t remember names, keeps saying he doesn’t want to go to school. This is after a pretty solid year of 4 days a week at nursery.

Most nights, I cry. I don’t know if it’s trying so hard to help him regulate, talk about his feelings and come up with little strategies or whether I’m just kind of grieving the loss of the littleness? I feel like everything has changed and that was my ‘being a Mum of a little one’ gone. Like now he’s at school every day. Now we don’t get our little mid week days together.

im sorry for rambling into the void but I want this feeling to stop and I don’t know how or if this is normal or if I’m just crazy. It just feels so very heavy at the moment!

[Ted27]

@Noimaginationforaun
I never.had such a little but I imagine your feelings are quite common.

I've just seen my 19 year old off to university and feel utterly bereft.
It's amazing that the sight of his toothbrush could send me into floods of tears!
I'm really missing him but as I get into my new routine without him I'm sure it will get better, as I'm sure it will for you.
There will be other special times

[Italiangreyhound]

I am sure you will cope fine, it all takes time.

[EG88]

I can really relate to your message. Be kind to yourself. It is an enormous transition. Watching the little person you love so deeply grow and face obstacles that you can no longer be fully present for is extremely emotional. I want to completely validate your feelings but also say sometimes it's good to get support if your worries don't settle. An incredibly kind and adoption informed GP organised counselling for me when my little started nursery. The journey from fostering to adoption had been extremely stressful and the next step, away from me, was something I needed support with.
As normal as it is to miss your little and grieve the passing of each phase, never feel you need to "cope," or get on with it. The way you feel is all because of the deep love and protective instinct you have for your child. It says a great deal about you and the bond you have with them.
xx

[onlytherain]

It can be very stressful and anxiety provoking for parents if children struggle in school. Have you spoken to school? Could they give you a class picture with names so each day you could look at the picture, he tells you a bit about his day and who he played with and you could reinforce the names and help him process and adjust? Has he got transitional items he can take into school (eg a key ring with a family photo, something that smells of you)? My children (now late teens) still find that helpful at times.

Starting school at 4 is a random age. In other countries children start at 5, 6 or even 7. So although it makes him look "grown up" here, he is still very little. Please don't think that I am trying to invalidate your feelings, I am just trying to find ways to look at it differently. Maybe that helps a bit? Could you create a special Sunday morning routine or the like to make up for the lost Wednesdays?

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I cry. I don’t know if it’s trying so hard to help him regulate, talk about his feelings and come up with little strategies or whether I’m just kind of grieving the loss of the littleness?

It’s probably a bit of both tbh. I know I can get very emotional if one of my two are struggling in school both trying to help them regulate (which is about them using your calmness to regulate themselves - I often visualise my battery running down as theirs fills up), so drawing on your resources. I think it’s normal to feel a bit washed out and tearful, like I’ve taken it from them and now need to express it myself.

I also think transition is hard, there are times you won’t get back again and you can’t yet see the future special times you’ll have. It’s a bit of a grieving process, once you let yourself go through it you’ll pick back up again.

I think too as adopters we have limited time when they are little and seeing them move on and grow can reignite all those losses inherent in adoption. Don’t be afraid to seek out counselling to give yourself space if need be.

Thinking of all those transitioning mums and dads out there - my DD started high school this year, the emotions are real.

[Noimaginationforaun]

Thank you so much for all your replies! I felt very down and very overwhelmed last night!

Today, I tried something different and we seem
to have a happier house! I left work as soon as my class left which meant I was home as soon as he got in from after school club. We’ve had more time for our family tea, had a bit of a play and then had a cuddle and watched some TV. He’s chatted about his day and went to bed much calmer. I cracked on with my work once he was in bed which I thought I’d hate but actually the pay off of seeing him for 2 hours vs half an hour has been well worth it. I’d much rather spend my evening working than crying!

We will see what tomorrow brings! Thank you for all your wonderful advice and making me feel much less alone!