Nursery guilt

[GracieHC]

My LO 2 has been with us for nearly 6 months and has settled in amazingly well, in fact for the last couple of months things have been close to perfect.
Their SW has always been keen for them to start nursery asap, so as of this week we’ve started sending them for a couple of mornings a week.
as a result we’ve seen some regression in behaviour at home (mainly with sleep and being left alone) and I’m wracked with guilt that I’m doing the wrong thing.
I should also add that whilst their SW is keen our SW thinks it’s a terrible idea to send them so soon.
My guilt is also compounded by the fact I desperately want this to work so I get some time to myself too.
Is it too soon or is this just normal nursery transition stuff?

My LO also came home at 2 and we had to start transitions to nursery around 6 months in to build up to me going back to work. He would do one day a week. It was quite hard at first. He would come home very tired which would then lead on to behaviours etc but I trusted were he was. I kept going. Constant reassurance of I am coming to pick you up/daddy is dropping you off. Sticking to the plan unless absolutely necessary to change it.

I went back to work 3 days a week 10 months in and he adjusted so so well. We thoroughly enjoyed our days off together! He started school this week and he still thrives with a plan of who is doing drop off and pick up, he’s still very tired coming home which means a few over tired behaviours but he is loving it.

I would say that I have school holidays off so that definitely helped! Finding a place that we both loved also helped! I did a lot of talk with my friends and it transpired a lot of behaviours I was seeing were very, very similar to their children which was reassuring. Obviously not every adopted child is going to be like that.

I’m not an adopter, but I am adopted. I know I found it tough as a little one as I struggled to believe my (adoptive) mum would definitely come back. Equally though, my birth dd started nursery this week and she’s found it really hard. Lots of disturbed nights, sobbing her heart out for the first three sessions and sobbing and screaming at drop off. However, she had a better day today. I’d say it often takes children a couple of weeks to settle in and some also start fine, but then have issues later. I’m not sure re timescales for adopted children starting post adoption, but I wondered if they were able (or currently) making sure it was the same key worker every session for your LO for attachment building and continuity? If not, that might help a bit. I’ve found lots of books and tv programs about nursery and games about mummy taking LO to nursery to see their teacher, LO stays with teacher and mummy goes home, then mummy comes to pick LO up can help them understand, but it doesn’t always make the emotions any easier. I’d say, go with your gut, if nothing changes or you feel the regression is more than you’d expect, don’t be afraid of delaying it. If your lovely LO needs a bit more time and maybe to grow a bit before they understand, then it’s always up to you as you live with and parent your LO and see how they’re responding 24/7. I think it’s totally understandable for LO to regress and feel sad or confused at nursery, but equally, if it’s not improving little by little, that could mean they’re not ready. Really hope things go well for you both - and wanting time to yourself is so important and normal xxx

Always trust your gut. You know LO far better than there SW does having been placed for 6months and if this isn't right then delay nursery. I started my DS 10 months after placement and I felt even then was too early but he coped after a couple of rocky first weeks. He definitely wouldn't of been ready 6 months in. However if you need this to work for some time to yourself then give it a few more weeks.

It sounds like you need it this to work?

Regression is to be expected- it's a big thing. That doesn't mean it's the wrong thing.

Transitions like this are hard, for both of you. If you like the nursery, and feel it's the right setting, then give it support and time. Maybe ease the transition with cuddly toys, transitional objects, a photo book of you together to remind her you come back.

Ditch the guilt. Mum guilt is real, and rarely helpful. You need to have a break to make you the best mum you can be, and that's ok.

Thanks for your kind replies and advice. I don’t need this to work. I can cope if it doesn’t but saying that I am a much better parent when I have breaks away from LO, not to mention a much happier human being.
It’s probably a hard judgement call this week as I guess it could also be the sweaty weather causing sleep issues.
They always tell me once I’m gone he’s very happy and always has a lovely morning. I think I will proceed with caution and see what next week brings.

Sounds EXACTLY like us 6 months ago.

Our little boy similar age & situation, did 1 day per week & it took about 5/6 weeks for him to settle.

We upped it to 3 days per week when I went back to work and in about 3 sessions he settled in. I think the consistency helps them get used to it.

we swapped his nursery & he goes full time & after 2 days he was fine. But this weather has made his sleep all go to pot! We’re all hot & tired.

I’d say stick with it, you can always change your mind. Give time for it to become routine.

And please don't feel guilty.