context for family understanding

[GSM545]

hi all- I'm not sure if a horn has any advice - we are in family finding at the moment - we have very supportive families but some relatives are finding it hard to get their heads around some issues, ( will be going to some family and friends training but not for a couple of months)

• would it be fair/accurate ) to tell

them that it is very likely that if we get placed with a child that s/he will come
from a background that involves drug and alcohol abuse - a lot of the time with mental health issues involved too ? All the prospective profiles we are seeing at the moment have that in relation to the birth mother- that or very significant learning disability.

[GSM545]

*if any one has any advice

[Jellycatspyjamas]

When you say they’re struggling to get their head round some issues what do you mean? Is it they don’t understand how you might parent, or what potential children might need, or something else.

I think it can be helpful to talk about how children waiting for adoption often have complex needs because of their journey to adoption and maybe point them to some reading Adoption U.K. have some helpful resources. I’d also be thinking about what you need them to understand- what will actively help you in your parenting and what is actually none of their business.

The danger in sharing too much just now is you actually don’t know the particular background of the children who will become yours. People make a lot of assumptions about parental drug use, poor mental health etc and may feel quite free in sharing those views (you see it on the main boards any time adoption or looked after children pops up for discussion), which you’ll need to grow a thick skin about. You might also feel pressure to share more about your kids backgrounds than you, or the children, might want and once it’s out there you can’t take it back.

When mine were being placed I sent an email round relevant family members explaining that in the early days my kids would need time to settle in, that we’d introduce them to family gradually and that while adopted children generally had a tricky background (including trauma, addiction etc) for their privacy I wouldn’t be sharing the details of my children’s background. That was enough initially to set boundaries for my kids, with more conversation with closer relatives about the kind of support that might be helpful. Would something like that help at this stage?

[GSM545]

thanks so much @Jellycatspyjamas - yes that is v helpful. it's how to talk about everything generally and not specifically as you say. the little
letter is good idea and i am sure a lot of things will make more sense to them when they do the training as those of whom already have done so understand the situation more of course.
i'm so saturated in training and info myself that pulling out of the detail to think what might be helpful and what they need to know ( as opposed to what they might want to know - in the nicest possible way - they are very respectful ) is the thing i am trying to get my head around so thanks to you and those who emailed me directly for the help/advice.

[Ted27]

Hi @GSM545
I'd agree with jellycats
No one knows my son's full story, not even my mum. Some people think they do, but they don't.
To be honest, I think most people need to know very little. Just enough so that everyone is safe.

[GSM545]

thank you Ted. that is very helpful to know

[onlytherain]

I have talked (still do) to many people about adoption and trauma in general and the kinds of background and experiences many adopted children have. I do that to raise awareness and hopefully create some understanding. Most people are very interested and want to learn more.

I have never shared my children's story though, not even with close family. When someone has asked me about my children's story, I have said "That's private". Very few people have asked though.

[GSM545]

thanks very helpful onlytherain.

[Torvy]

I would second the idea of a little email or letter, imagining that it could be forwarded to anyone so the information might want to focus on more how you would prefer the to interact wkth your child rsther than them drawing conclusions based on some misinformation they have conjured from their own imagination. In our intro letter to family we covered:

The names of the kids and their ages

That we would be their only parents, and that legally and practically they will have the same rights and status as BC.

How we expected people to refer to them- I.e. don't always use the word adopted, they are your cousin, grandson etc

Time we would be bringing them home and when we would visit or allow visits

Something along the lines of: we may be parenting them slightly differently to the way many children are, and they may respond differently. This is in accordance with the training we have received and professionals we are working with, but if you have any questions or concerns please direct them to us and not the children. Everything we do is intentional.

We also included a few podcast recommendations and links to articles that people said were helpful, but were not specific to our children per se.

Obviously this was all in a chatty lovely tone super friendly, but it helped to set the boundaries without giving information out.

We found that people's response to the email gave a good indication of how supportive they would be, so it was a good litmus test. Those who got huffy have been less supportive and more undermining. Those who were chill with the email have generally been more chill with us.

[GSM545]

thanks very much @Torvy - it is is helpful to know that people are doing letters as it's the more distant/ less seen regularly family members who i think need more help to understand the whole thing -i think they will really appreciate it and listen to the podcasts etc.
thanks i much everyone for advice