Ending nursery and transitions - complete dysregulation

[Montues]

This is an upset rant, and not very processed yet…I’ve posted here before about our son who we adopted at age 18 months and he is now 4.5.

Settling in at nursery over last two years has been a rollercoaster, he gets quickly dysregulated there and that can lead to him lashing out at other children. A few months ago we got an EHCP agreed. And this plan, along with earlier interventions were helping him lots - one to one time each morning , a sensory area, visual timetable, and ‘time in’ to Co-regulate rather than time outs. He started to make friends, have play dates and really enjoy nursery.

At transition meetings a couple of months ago with the school he will go to, nursery staff said how much they’ll miss him, how well he has done with support, and what a loving boy he is. His difficult behaviours were very much described in context of when he feels unsafe and that a key person isn’t available. We had a few months where things were going well and were settled, he even wanted to start an extra day at nursery.

Things have really changed over the past month. He’s really wobbly and upset about leaving nursery in September to start school, he is feeling confused, overwhelmed and rejected by nursery. Much more jealous and threatened when his key staff aren’t there, much more quickly dysregulated, and after months of no hitting he’s started kicking and biting there again. He says very clearly to us and them that he doesn’t want to leave nursery, while also pushing his keyworker away saying I don’t need you anymore.

With the help of our adoption support worker we have helped nursery think about the impact of loss and endings, and we also brought his leaving date to be sooner - recognising the reality and limits of what they can offer. We just hoped the ending could go ok and be a different experience of loss and change.

He only has 4 days left there and this morning one of the managers asked to talk to me, she told me that Wednesday this week he was completely unmanageable and not safe to other children. If it’s the same today they’ll have to consider him not returning. Nobody had said any of this to me on Weds at pick up.

I feel really dysregulated myself right now… sad, scared, rejected, guilty, ashamed and blamed.

They’ve never spoken like this in the past two years. I feel really torn between completely understanding their position, that a child who is constantly hurting others and can’t be settled, then can’t be there so that other children are safe. This feels terrible and a shock that it’s at that point so close to the end.

But I can also see that over summer they are really short staffed, have not been implementing his EHCP plan at all on most days, have much less structure, some key adults have left and new temp staff are there, and I think some of the workers understandably feel frustrated and confused at his level of need. Handovers have been given in a very negative way as if he’s just a bad boy, not a very upset and troubled boy who then acts out.

He has also been more upset going in each morning, which hasn’t happened since the start of nursery. And on his days off avoids cycling past there (which is totally new, he used to love saying hi on his days off).

The Inclusion Manager acknowledges that over summer they haven’t been able to meet his needs or care plan, and she says today she will be there and has things planned for him. For the first time in weeks his quiet area had been prepared for him and he can have one to one time this morning. He literally jumped up and down with excitement at seeing his sensory area prepared again.

I appreciate they are trying lots today but I feel frozen, like I need to just get him out of there.

I feel really sad that his huge feelings of being rejected have resulted in him potentially now being excluded. That he can’t self regulate and that the busy environment is sending his brain into overwhelm. And terrified now about his transition to school.

I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. just somewhere to spill this all out, as I’m feeling really helpless.

[Ted27]

@Montues

That all sounds so hard, he really is going through the wringer isn't he.
I have no advice or experience to offer, I never had such a young child, but will say its all too easy to blame ourselves.
You clearly have a great handle on his behaviours and emotions and are doing a great job supporting him.
If he has to leave nursery early, try not to think about it as exclusion, it feels like it might not be in his best interests.
It may not feel like it right now but you are a fantastic mum

[sunshineandskyscrapers]

For the sake of four days you might just want to get him out. It sounds like the root of the problem is them not having adequate resource over the summer to follow his plan and meet his needs. If you haven't already, then ask the manager if they have enough resource to support him properly for the four days. If not I'd pull him out. I'd probably ask for a refund as well but that's a minor point. Don't see it as an exclusion. If they can meet his needs he goes in and if they can't he won't. That's on them, not you. You sound like you're doing an amazing job by the way.

[Montues]

Thanks @Ted27 and @sunshineandskyscrapers . I appreciate you responding and getting it! We will take it day by day now.
He had lots of adult help today and had ‘a good day’, I think this was with constant adult one to one and being given tasks to do. They’ve come up with a draft plan for his remaining days, including which staff can support him, and a reminder of what helps him. If it seems too much though (for him or for them) we will definitely take him out early….I do think the crisis mode they spoke to me in earlier was a sign of them being overwhelmed too, they were much warmer at pick up. Thanks again x

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I’ve had this with school when they know they’ve not followed my DDs plan and she’s become dysregulated. I think sometimes attack is the best form of defence, I also think new staff or people unfamiliar with your child often think they know better and the plan doesn’t need to be as set in stone as it is. Nothing to do with your parenting at all and everything to do with the setting being a bit less organised than usual.

I’d be emphasising that in times of transition his plan is needed more than ever. They’ve deviated from that and your son is paying the price. While I understand the reasons for that from their point of view, their staffing changes aren’t yours to resolve. I have absolutely no problem being “that parent” and would be checking daily at drop off that they are prepared for him and have things in place to meet his needs, reminding them of their duty to do so if need be. It’s appalling that they’ve let his care needs slip, and have then blamed him for not coping.

Im going to go against the grain a bit and suggest it’s important your son completes his time in nursery. Removing him early after a period of dysregulation may give him the message that he’s the problem, and if he can’t “behave” he’ll get moved on - I know my DS at 4 had an internal narrative that he was naughty and that’s why he needed a new family. Not something he could articulate clearly, but it was there. If you do decide to remove him I’d be clear with him, in whatever language is appropriate, that it was because they couldn’t care for him the way he needed to be - avoid any suggestion that it was about him.

I’d also focus on keeping things very consistent at home for now - the less change or adjustment he needs to cope with the better. Can you frame the transition to school as being part of him growing up, not being rejected by nursery but part of a natural progression through life.

What plans have been made for his move to school? Do they understand his ECHP and have they got things in place for him. Is there a way for him to keep connection with nursery, ie can he go back and visit so he knows they’re all still there and wishing him well in school?

My DD has just started high school, which is a different transition but has needed careful management. Her HT gave her a painted pebble as a transitional object, it’s attached to her school bag, we have a couple of visits back to her primary school planned and her nurture teacher had lunch with her today at her new school. It’s all helped her realise she wasn’t being rejected by her primary school, because they remember her and care about her.

Its a tricky time, and you’re doing your best, so go easy on yourself and hold the professionals caring for your child to account.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I think some of the workers understandably feel frustrated and confused at his level of need. Handovers have been given in a very negative way as if he’s just a bad boy, not a very upset and troubled boy who then acts out.

This isn’t ok, your child needs what they need and nursery staff are paid to meet those needs. It’s not ok that they are communicating in any way that he’s a “bad boy” - how will that help his self esteem, especially given his behaviour is directly link to them not meeting his stated needs. As his mum, you don’t need to be understanding of the nursery’s struggles, and certainly don’t need to be carrying any bad feeling about your child being tricky to care for.

You’ll find this shit crops up in all kinds of ways as he grows - veiled and not so veiled suggestions that your child is too much, has behavioural issues, is unsafe to be around other kids. Growing a thick skin and the ability to strongly and unashamedly advocate for your child is going to be key for you through his school years in negotiation with school, activities, clubs and childcare.

My DS was talking about a child in his class who is already finding school hard (3 days into a new school year. He told me he wished his friend had me for a mum “because you always get problems sorted out”, which is the biggest compliment he could pay me tbh. You’ve got your child’s back, don’t let professionals get under your skin.

[Montues]

Thank you @Jellycatspyjamas. That’s all really helpful. I really do feel this morning that they were giving me lots of projections really, based on their own overwhelm and they even said things about what other parents might say/have said about my child(which is clearly not my problem and really blaming ). I do also think some of them get triggered by his dysregulation, and he is having such intense and scary feelings at the moment. Some of the staff get it, others don’t.
When I felt less slapped in the face I did manage to say some of this, and also remind them of his ehcp.
There is now a clear plan and it’s the senior staff stepping in to support him, which I feel pleased about.
I think you make a really important point too about not ending early, it enacts a rejection of a bad child and that he is too much. That’s very much his internal narrative too.
They are really good suggestions about ways to keep in touch. He really wants to do this, and his keyworker has been really keen to as well. Finding planned ways to do that sounds very helpful. I like the transitional object idea, and the visit.
The new school did some home visits in July, and we had a couple of play dates there where he did well,and the SENCO who is v experienced said she will be his safe person and build up a relationship with him. He’ll have a TA 15 hours, small group time, and there are lots of strategies relating to developmental trauma in the plan. and they have a sensory area he can access. They also use zones of regulation which I quite like the look of. Our adoption support SW will also join us after the first couple of weeks to review things.
Thanks for all your suggestions. And I hope this big transition for your DD goes well for her.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

Zones of regulation is a great process for traumatised kids, helping them understand some big feelings and then learning what they need to help them settle again. The school sound like they have things in hand, all I would say is that things can slip in the busyness of school so don’t be afraid to keep on top of them when that happens.

You sounds like a a strong, reflective mum - that’ll stand you and your boy in good stead.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

And I hope this big transition for your DD goes well for her.

Thank you, she’s actually moved to specialist provision for high school and things are going well. It’s so nice to have staff who understand her needs and put things in place without argument or negotiation.

[Montues]

@Jellycatspyjamas thats very good to hear. I can imagine the relief at finding the right provision, and not needing to battle for what is needed. It’s a long road….

[Lwrenagain]

Oh @Montues big hugs.

I'm not an adopter, but my son is ASD and mainstream nursery just couldn't cope with him. One teacher thought he was being a dick (never said those words, but you could tell) and the other was an angel with him, but even so, didn't "get" him.

The reason im commenting is because since my ds has attended an sen school, he's a different child, I know people say those things but the constant structure, the smaller staff ratios etc, he's flourishing.

I'm not suggesting your wee fella is ND, but if a senco is involved it may be worth asking them to ask a local SEN school can they visit to look for ideas on how to structure things for you lad?
I asked a local SEN school (the one he now attends!) And they were more than happy to help and the mainstream really took on board what they said.

It seems you'd wee one would benefit a very structured day and I know from lots of chatting with adopters trauma/ND/foetal alcohol syndrome behaviour is not only similar, but they all seem to respond to similarly structured parenting and school days?

I hope he's doing well, you sound such a lovely mummy 💐❤💐

[Montues]

Thank you @Lwrenagain
He definitely struggles with lots of the same things as ND children, but not yet with any diagnosis. That’s a good suggestion about his future school visiting SEN schools to see what might help, I think there’s an SEMH school near us that does consultations with mainstream schools.
Friday and yesterday he had much better days. And this was because the senior staff came up with a very clear plan for him, lots of praise and structure, an identified key adult, and some quiet time as well as lots of tasks to do. I felt they were rooting for him to have a good day, but I completely have that experience often of some of the staff thinking he’s a dick…. It’s hard not to be affected by that when it goes on and on.
Im really pleased for you and your son that he’s having such a positive experience at his SEN school. The school system is crazy and I think of all those older children labelled ‘school refusers’ who just can not cope or feel safe or learn in mainstream.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and your support!

[Cherry321]

sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time. My daughter started in reception last year (she also really struggles with transitions) and we asked for a little flexibility around start times so we would try to arrive when the door was open and they were due to go in. This avoided hanging around waiting to go in with the other children as this was very stressful for her and she would get dysregulated.

[Montues]

Thanks @Cherry321 thats a good suggestion, we live right next to the school so that hopefully means we can time it all easily….