My child doesn't know how to/want to play?

[Beetham]

My daughter is nearly four and has significant developmental delay so functions physically more similar to a 12 month old and cognitively to a 18-24 month old, she is not diagnosed with and no-one is suspecting autism. She has been home with me for just over a year.

The biggest challenge is that I cannot fill our days and I don't know how to play with her. The second biggest challenge is that she has huge anxieties about food and so the 'gaps' in the day are filled with her begging for food.

Things she does like:
-Being sung to in small doses, I sing nursery rhymes and do actions while she sits on my knee.
-Playing with things like beads and blocks, lining them up and putting them in piles- she only likes to do this on her own
-Vtech/fisher price toys that light up and sing, she will press the buttons- again on her own
-She LOVES anticipation type games such as round and round the garden, peek a boo, opening and shutting the door with me behind it saying hello
-She likes going for a walk

She is not yet doing any imaginative play. She will not do messy play or water play, in a soft play area or at toddler groups she just crawls round the room in a circle then screams and cries to leave. If I am trying to introduce a toy by just having it in the room or even doing something like opening the post she will come and take it out of my hands and cry. She can’t really engage in independent play while I’m in the room, she just crawls over to ask for food. She is so distressed when others are around, she can’t tolerate other people in the house, when we meet up with friends in the park she cries and screams unless I am singing to her or feeding her. I think that she views others as a threat and she needs to know she is my first priority so I make sure to try to reinforce this but it’s really tricky. She has never played with or even alongside another child.I try to introduce new things very slowly and give lots of praise. My description here feels quite negative, in reality I try to keep very relaxed and calm atmosphere, lots of smiles and praise etc.

It has got better over the last year and the moments when we are singing or doing anticipation games are so lovely, but just getting through the days are so difficult. Does anyone have any advice for filling our day more or trying new types of play?

[HPFA]

I wondered if she would like lift-the-flap books if she enjoys anticipation games - maybe try Eric Hill's Spot books or Rod Campbell's Dear Zoo. The Lucy Cousins Maisy books are also good for having a surprise element on each page.

Try out your local library - they usually have no overdues or charges for damage for under-fives or you could ask if they have a ticket for children with special needs. If they have a rhymetime it might be worth trying that out - if she loves singing and rhymes that might distract her from the discomfort of other people being there.

[sunshineandskyscrapers]

This sounds very hard on you. It seems like she needs your attention almost all of the time. I would work with what she is happy with rather than trying to push her out of her comfort zone. Meet her where she is at. If she likes building and lining up bricks then give her plenty of chance to do it. It might not seem exciting or challenging to you, but it sounds like it helps her to feel regulated and it gives you a bit of a break.

Have you looked at Theraplay? It feels like that could be something she'd engage well with. It's about building the bonds between parent and child through lots of tactile activities and singing. You might be able to access a short course for adopters or get post-adoption support to fund a more thorough course of theraplay for the two of you. There is a nice book called I love You Rituals that follows the same kind of ideas for something that you could access right away.

When my son was young and very fussy I would very often just pick up a picture book and start reading. Even though it took him a while to come around to being read to, reading aloud helped me feel calm and allowed me to use language with him without having to be constantly wondering what to talk to him about. And as an added bonus he really adores books now. I'd echo what the previous poster said about lift the flap. We love Postman Bear by Julia Donaldson.

Although you said no-one is suspecting autism, I wouldn't be too quick to rule it out. Autism presents in many different ways, and I imagine you have mentioned it because you have noticed that she does have some autistic traits.

[121Sarah121]

@Beetham You sound like a wonderful mum. You know your daughter so well and obviously want the best for her. That comes through.

if she is cognitively functioning pre 2years like you say, those games you play are exactly where she is at. People don’t admit how hard and boring this age is (pre 2). Attention is the little one is so limited so the play will change after a few minutes and no doubt be limited to a small number of activities until she masters it. Repetition is key. She probably doesn’t want other toys until she masters the ones she has.

children don’t tend to play with each other until older. If you go to a pre school, most kids will be playing independently (with a few exceptions). They love exploring the world and often do that alongside each other.

My adopted child really struggled to play with others (still does) and needs to be told what to do by the other kids. When your daughters age, he didn’t know what to do with toys, even toys for much younger kids because he was so traumatised. It just didn’t matter to him. He was just so overwhelmed and scared that he didn’t need the extra stimulation. As he has got older and felt safer, this is no longer the case and he is naturally curious with toys (unless they are role play and he has no clue without direction).

how is your daughter’s language? Is she pre verbal (making babbling noises?), non verbal (making no attempt to communicate), talking in words or sentences? How is her comprehension? If she is delayed in her speech, do you have speech therapy? Can you introduce another way to help her communicate? You say she cries and screams a lot. It sounds like she is communicating (effectively) with you but must be frustrating for you both.

I am sorry this is so long. I just want to finish by saying well done to you both for all the progress she has made, that’s down to you and being so receptive. Be proud

[Jellycatspyjamas]

@121Sarah121 is right in that your child is functioning at her development age. I’d keep with fisher price type toys, look for things for a much younger child and play with her they way you would play with a toddler. She may not like messy play - sometimes the sensory side of things is too much for traumatised children, you could try sand trays with small toys to bury and hide if she likes anticipation type games. I also found shape sorter type toys good.

She will catch up eventually but just now she’s doing what she can manage.

[Beetham]

Thank you all for your input, it was particularly helpful to be reminded about where her functioning is at and also the day to day drudgery of parenting very young children.

Her diagnosis includes many traits that are shared with autism (but is a very rare condition), but that I know that doesn't mean she can't also have autism so I suppose that's something to monitor as she gets older.

I have very slowly been introducing reading very short books to her, it's taken several months but we are now at the point she can tolerate me reading a book and i think she enjoys it but choses to listen from a distance, I will definately have a look at the books that were recommended and introduce them as she is ready.

My concerns aren't about her catching up to her peers, it's trying to find things to fill the day- it's so hard. So many things- music, sand, wooden toys, different textures etc. she just can't manage and pushes away in anger, even if just in the room with her. I try really hard to limit any demands on her to try new experiences and toys as I recognise she just can't cope with them.

She has until very very recently been only able to communicate through facial expressions or crying, but has recently begun to make 'aah' sounds to get my attention which is great. We go to the hospital for SALT (as she finds this less stressful than havingt the SALT in the house) but I've asked to pause the sessions as we just can't cope, they are 'child-led' sessions but she is in a room with some toys and doesn't know what to do, she spends the whole time crying to leave and I'm trying to placate her. I want to wait until she feels safer as I think what we are doing currently is making things worse.

Recently one of her therapists (not SALT) who by far 'gets her' the most and she interacts with and smiles with the most, said to me she has never had a child who has such limited tolerance for things and such a limited attention span, I thought our sessions were fairly typical but she said she must go through 30x the amount of resources compared to her other children and that she needs so much support to get through the session.

However I appreciate that being half way through school holidays is why it's particularly difficult at the moment! Although I'm not looking forward to transisitons to school, I hope the structure and break for me will really help us. Thanks again for everyones input

[121Sarah121]

@Beetham It sounds like you know your little one very well and you are absolutely meeting her needs where she is aw. You should be so proud of yourself and your daughter.

just keeping doing what your doing. A small rotation of games and activities and out and about each day for your sanity. It’s boring for you (but right at her level) and hard going for you but you are doing amazing

[Empuffin]

Hi, first time contributer here but I felt I needed to provide a suggestion for you. Have you looked into Schemas as a way to develop her play? If you know what she is motivated by it can help you to introduce small changes but with her learning preferences so she should be more comfortable. Small children almost all work through some of these eg rotation, transporting, enclosure.

There are many books which might help such as:

Understanding Schemas in Young Children: Again! Again!

and

Schemas a Practical Handbook

You can also do online searches to find out more about them and lists of suggested activities to do next which may help you fill your day a bit. Incidentally, I’ve used this with children who have autism as well as those who don’t; sometimes autistic or traumatised children can get a bit ‘stuck’ in one schema, repeating it over and over again without progressing.

Hope this helps and good luck!

[Beetham]

Thank you @121Sarah121 for you kind messages, and for the reminder to rotate the few things she does enjoy. I've felt so desperate that I've had lots of toys out (in a throw it all at the wall to hope somethings sticks approach) but I need to get better a rotating so its not so overwhelming for her and gives her the chance to engage more fully with a smaller nummber of toys.

@Empuffin thank you, I am (vaguely) familiar with Schemas as my mother is a reception teacher, I had looked previously but couldn't see where her interests fitted and I quickly gave up! Your message has prompted me to go back and do some more research. I think on a very basic level I incorporate her 'things' or 'quirks' but it's not been in a particularly planned or thoughtful way. From very brief googling I wasn't able to find a fit, if I had to describe the way she plays/explores I would say it's 'shuffling' (so maybe transporting?) and the big one is 'inspecting' (so having a pile of objects e.g. big beads and picking them up one by one to look at them). I will go back and research more thoroughly- thank you for the book suggestions