@121Sarah121 we found ourselves on a more even keel a month or two- we still don't live a "normal" life, but we got better at predicting the outbursts and triggers for both us and the kids and we feel better. Life got better when we took quite decisive action for the highest priority stuff- so for example the safer handling restraints if he was hitting or kicking, without fail or doubt made a huge difference immediately- once we decided to do it, we felt more in control, then within a week or two the behaviour reduced to a level where PACE was effective. 8 months on, we can use PACE most of the time, but in those early days it was too dangerous even with a 3 year old. He was hurting himself and others, and you could see he was just terrified afterwards that he had messed it all up. In a way, it doesn't matter what happened in foster care, even if they weren't doing it then they are doing it with you. So you have to deal with it as best you can because you can't recreate FC. The mistake we made fpr a long time was trying to get a very traumatised child to explain what we could do to change his behaviour when the real answer was very little. All we could do was be there and sit with him making sure he didn't damage himself or us.
Other stuff takes longer or we haven't solved through changing the childrens behaviour but rather ours, and that has taken longer. So things like spitting we haven't resolved completely but we have reduced through using PACE or Sarah Naish's A-z strategies. Their behaviour isn't where we want it to be (they are still very volatile in uncertain situations, make loud noises in public if they are feeling anxious or react strongly if the mood takes them) but we have strategies for managing it better that we have worked out work for us and our triggers. We worked out we really dont like the kids making a scene in front of family and friends, but we dont care about the general public, so we work to that. For example, one kid can be bribed (sorry, positively reinforced!) to stay quiet in a wedding ceremony, the other can't, so he is not taken into it in the first place but stays outside whilst it is happening, stuff like that.
I would also say your support network is vital because you need other eyes on kids too. One of them needed a nap that the FC didn't have scheduled so we didn't think about the fact he was tired for a month until a friend dropped something off and was like oh he's so tired isn't it time for his nap? He's only two, how long has he been awake now? And the penny dropped. The other was absolutely draining and refused to share any attention, angry and aggy all the time, but the moment we put him into nursery he was happy as a clam because it was routine and he had friends thatbhe could properly play with. But those things took weeks and months for us to learn and work out, and I suspect we will continue to learn with every new experience.
On the other hand, once we thought we had nailed something, like serving the right dinner, or singing the right song, they became bored of it or it made them stress so we switched it up, but returned later on. Hence the mashups of reggae, dad rock and sea shanty playlists for our pre dinner routine- some days one thing works, some days another does. Music really helps ours and sets a mood, which is something that we didn't really do before.
The frustrating part of the process is that I am such a better parent now than I was 8 months ago, but I wouldn't be if I hadn't parented them. Don't beat yourself up about it, things improve as you find your way. Unfortunately kids aren't textbook and neither are we, and you have to make it work for you and your family, and the only thing that helps that is time and practice. Social workers were really helpful in helping us prioritise what is right for our kids at each stage in the process- so bedtimes had to be nailed, eating was not so important etc.
I forgot to say that you do need to make sure you are drawing on as many formal support networks as you can- now is the time to seek CAMHS support, counselling stuff, GP referrals if they haven't been done. Even stuff like poor behaviour can be linked to sleep because of medical issues like enlarged tonsils or sleep apnea might not have been picked up in FC so get things checked out when you can, because it also feels better when other people see that there is a problem.
@Puffinwren I'm glad things are feeling brighter. Write down what it was that helped so that if it happens again you have a visual liat of strategies to try! The very early days are such a far cry from idyllic parenthood that I wanted to scream everytime someone told me how cute he was or how happy he seemed because the only reason we were out the house was because he had lobbed another brio train track at my head and we both needed to cool off by walking to the local shops to buy yet another loaf of bloody bread as i soothed myself that it wasn't that bad and it was perfectly fine to be wandering the streets clutching an icepack to my head because i lost a battle with a 3 year old. Everybody can warn you but nothing can properly prepare you for how it really, truly feels to have a child or children in your house who are having some incredibly tough times, be so desperate to love and care for them but be so unable to take away their pain, terror or anger and it is so justified for them in the situation, but how terrifying it feels to think that you might be making everything worse or at least not making it better. It will get better, it will improve, but don't be afraid to say that some things are just not for right now. Like brio train tracks, put anything that isn't the basics of survival in a box somewhere high and only get it down when things feel calmer and more settled. Most other stuff can wait!
Sending you lots of positive vibes, and I hope the days just keep getting better!