Support network & experience with babies

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My partner and I are hoping to start our foster for adoption journey (FfA) soon. I have contacted several agencies and have signed up to one information evening so far (but will hopefully attend several). I have two questions that I can't seem to find answers to and I was hoping people with more experience on here could maybe offer some answers:

How much experience do I need with babies to be accepted for FfA?
We don't have any children of our own. I have been quite involved with care of my newborn nephews when they were babies, but my sister lives in a different country so this is intermittent. I have friends with babies but am not very involved with their babies. I have also looked into volunteering options, but it seems like there are not many for this age group and some places (e.g. Great Ormand Hospital) isn't accepting applications for volunteers due to so many people being interested. Does anyone have any advice for how to get this experience? How important is it?

What kind of support network do we need to be considered for FfA?
My family lives overseas and my partner isn't very close to his family. His brother (who has two children, including a baby) is considering a move back to the UK but it likely wouldn't be for a year or so. His sister and mum live about two hours away from us but we don't see them very often.. We have a lot of friends, but most of them have recently started their own families and have young children of their own so we are seeing less of them. We have two couples we are very close to who would be more than happy to write references / be listed as our support network but they both live about 40 mins' drive away from us. We are about to move home to a new area and so we don't have relationships with our neighbours (and from our understanding, the street we are moving to is quite private and people tend to keep to themselves). What kind of support network and how large are agencies looking for? I would also want to join parents groups if we were successful in our application for FfA and would hope to build a local support network in this way (as many new parents do!)

Thank you so much for reading this far and for any advice.

[Noimaginationforaun]

Experience: this depends on your social worker but expect them to want you to have experience of over night stays and experience of toddlers and older children too. F2A for babies is probably the most sought after route for adoption so SW really have their pick. Anything that makes you stand out would help.

Support Network: your SW will expect you to be able to answer questions on who will help you in an emergency, who will you lean on when things get hard, who will step in for childcare etc. If you can answer those questions then they will be happy.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

In terms of experience it does to some extent depend on the social worker but realistically you’re not going to have experience of overnight care etc unless you have a very close relationship with a new mum. I’d approach it from the place that most mums don’t have much experience of babies before they get pregnant, and being around babies isn’t going to prepare you for that moment when you realise you are wholly responsible for their survival - nothing can prepare you for that. I’d start by asking agencies what their expectations are - some will ask you to volunteer with brownies, schools etc (despite you planning foster to adopt). If they can’t give you very clear outcomes they want from any volunteering I’d push back on that expectation because it takes time, is unfair to volunteering agencies and ultimately isn’t going to prepare you for becoming a parent.

In terms of support network, think about who you would call just for a chat (or a cry), who would give you sound device, who would meet you for a coffee, who would help practically if you were sick and needed someone to help with housework, who would bring you a pint of milk if you needed it, who would babysit for a doctors appointment etc.

Some of those folk you already have in your circle, some will appear as you meet new people as a parent, some will be paid for help, some will be friends. Your support network will change in any event so don’t get too hung up on it but just think “who would I call if I needed x”

[tonyhawks23]

Could you - visit your local childrens centre, chat to them see if there are mum & baby groups you could help out at maybe? Church groups with toddler/baby groups too. or nursery volunteering in the baby room. Just talking to the organisers, getting your dbs check and committing to what you can do may be worth a try?
Support network post adoption is so so important, more so than you may think at the time. Top people are really close friends, those who have children especially, and espcially with young ones similar age to what yours will be, and especially adoptors, as they will understand your struggles the most. 40 mins away friends is ok as you can arrange regular play date meet ups 20 mins away say. Its so helpful to have someone to talk to when going through early days placement etc.
I would join Adoption UK, attend the prospective adopter meet ups on zoom, and then there is also the huge support of the adopters network as you go on. Meeting up with others who've adopted may well be so important. As you go through the training you will meet other adopters and establishing good friends through that may be really really helpful.
I would also look at your local (new local as moving) area schools and preschools etc and say how you will go about establishing friendships with others in similar life stage through certain groups youl be interested in etc, baby music groups, baby yoga etc etc and what there is you will go to once your coocooning time is done etc.
Your close close friends are important even if far away as they will give you emotional support, which is really important!
And physical support may be through - research cleaners, gardeners, local soft play fun so you can rest while they play etc.
So just think around all the things that may help you as you take on a new baby and write it all out, it will show youve really thought round the realities of a new baby.
Good luck!

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@Noimaginationforaun @tonyhawks23 @Jellycatspyjamas Thank you all for replying – your answers are so helpful and it's so lovely to have a forum like this. I've been doing some more research this afternoon and have reached out to a local(ish) community centre near where we're moving to that seems to be looking for volunteers through the gov volunteering site for their creche group (which is 6 months to 3 years). In the notice they have posted they specifically say they will offer a reference for people who volunteer for 6 months+ (it also just sounds like something I would actually really enjoy doing 1 or 2 afternoons a week! And I work freelance so am very flexible with time). I would also get my DBS check as part of this which I assume is a good thing to have? Does this sound like it would be a useful thing to do so early in the process? We haven't even got our first information session booked until end of September as we will be moving and settling in.

Support network is an odd one as my main emotional support network is my family – but they live on the other side of the world.. I do speak with my sister and my mum / dad at least weekly though and more often 3 or so times a week. My mum wouldn't hesitate to come over and stay with us to support but I'm guessing that would be a big no for early days in adoption as the baby could potentially form attachments and my mum would then disappear which could be confusing. A lot of our friends have already had babies so there wouldn't be similar age group, and a lot of my friends left London / UK during covid. The couples I mentioned who live about 40 minutes away, however, would definitely be a great support and wouldn't hesitate to help out. Doing research into support groups etc for the post-cocooning stages sounds like a good idea (and is exactly the kind of thing I would love to do!)

One more (maybe odd!) question – we have a very small (4kg) dog. She is very well trained and has been really lovely and gentle when meeting friends babies (a little sniff of baby's feet and that's about it). We saw nephew and baby niece last week and she was running around with three-year-old nephew and didn't show much interest in baby apart from food that baby was dropping on ground! Would she pose any issues when being assessed for FfA?

[tonyhawks23]

I think it all sounds really positive, that volunteering is defo worth doing if you can, and your support network sounds good with a good understanding of how it will grow. We have a dog no worries there for our team and our daughter arrived scared of dogs (older than fta) bit absolutely adores him now. I was just saying to her today as she hugged him did she remember when she was a baby and was scared of him because he was so loud and now they are best friends! I think a dog is good for mental wellbeing as essential exercising for you, and also emotional support!

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@tonyhawks23 phew! That's a relief that pup won't pose any issues! That's so lovely that your daughter and dog are best friends now❤I actually got a bit emotional watching my pup running around with my nephew the other day – they were like something out of a storybook! There is something so special about the friendship between children and dogs.

[tonyhawks23]

I agree, and its defo been good for my dd. I would say some teams may see differently so be prepared, and if any concerns just accept calmly and confidently and you can always think around things, like getting dog references or something, I do imagine its down to specific social workers/teams? Anything you can do like video him with nephew to show them can only help! And always know that if little one cant cope with a dog in the end the little one comes first. Youl be fine and its all about them knowing you'd put the child first. 4kg is tiny. stair gates if needed for socialising times and so both dog and child can get peace. ours spent a lot of time in our yard in intros for example as foster carer also had fear of dogs so the dog-child relationship was better built later on, think around things they may worry about for example rather than joining that worry, it will be ok, but these things may take time, if you see what I mean. I still would never trust them alone together despite best friend status but having the dog is really really positive for us as a family long term.

[Torvy]

I would agree with everything people have said so far.

One thing that I always catmutiin people about is that a lot of thought is (rightly) given about whether the dog will hurt the child, but another thing to consider is how you would cope if the child hurts the dog? Sounds daft, but it can be emotional. When our two arrived, they both loved and hated our cat, and she found the increased attention to them incredibly stressful. It was difficult to see- they would want her attention so much they ran after her and screamed at her. It was very upsetting for us, and actually something that is hard to explain to others because hurting animals is a whole thing. Our health visitor was appaled. They were jealous if we showed her affection, and did their best to scare here away to bring it back onto them, or tried to throw things for her to fetch ton get her away from us etc and she hid and hissed and batted at them to leave her alone. We spent a long time trying to get them to understand, but at 2 and 3 they just didn't. Now it's all good, she avoids them for the most part and comes and spends time with us in the evening when they are calmer. She does a nightly patrol to check they are in bed and satisfy herself they are asleep, then has the house to herself all night.

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@Torvy I hadn't even thought of that – I would find it really upsetting if a child hurt our dog, she's so gentle. There is just so much to think about.

I'm actually feeling quite down about it all today. I've been doing so much research and booking information evenings, signing up to volunteer – and my partner just won't engage with me on this, even though he was the one who initially brought up the idea of adopting. I think his ideas of what adoption are and the reality are two very different things, and now I'm questioning whether we should even explore adoption or FfA further as obviously if it is a couple adopting, both parents need to be on board and ready to tackle the many challenges and uncertainties of going down this route, and to think of it as finding a loving home for a child (rather than a child for a couple).