Foster to Adopt - where to start

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We are considering Foster to Adopt in the UK (London-based) – likely in the next two years. We would like to get as much information about this early on as it is obviously a big commitment and there are a lot of unknowns. I'd love to hear from anyone who has done Foster to Adopt (or thought about it) and your experience. I know there is a chance that the baby does go back to the birth family but I can't seem to find any indication of how common / uncommon this is. And do you get information about the birth family before making decisions so you can weigh up the circumstances and the likelihood of this happening?

We would like to attend some information evenings on FtA too – is there a particular place / agency / organisation we should be starting with? Or any books / websites / groups that are useful to begin our journey?

Also, some of what I have read indicates that FtA requires "experience with babies" – what kind of experience are they looking for here? We don't have any children so don't have parenting experience. I have been very involved with my three nephews when they were all newborns but my sister lives overseas so it tends to be for stretches of 4-5 weeks when I visit, rather than ongoing. During that time though I have looked after her newborn babies on my own while she has been out and done some overnight shifts for her to give her a break. And have done a lot of the usual baby stuff – bottle feeding, bathing, nappy changing etc. Would this kind of experience be what they are looking for?

Thank you so much for reading this far!

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I've seen "The Primal Wound" recommended as a book for prospective adoptive parents to read – would anyone here recommend this one?

[FosterCarer0203]

Hi! All sounds very exciting for you, as for Foster to adopt I haven’t crossed paths with this so wouldn’t be able to help there.

However, as for experience we were in a similar position. My husband and I became foster parents early this year and as part of our assessment/panel they asked about experience, we have no kids of our own and hadn’t had 24/7 care of a child before. We advised them of all our experience with younger cousins, helping at toddler groups and working with vulnerable adults which all helped them build a picture that we were capable. From what you’ve mentioned you sound well experienced, and until you become a parent there’s not much more you can do on that front so I wouldn’t worry too much!

Wish you all the success with your journey 😊

[onlytherain]

I never got through The Primal Wound and apparently I am not alone. The author says there is evidence to back up her claims but never provides any. I find her approach negative and biased. To me the book came across more like an opinion piece. By now, there is a lot of actual research and evidence about the impact of trauma. I would read that.

https://uktraumacouncil.org/
Bessel van der Kolk: The Body keeps the Score
Bruce Perry: The Boy who was raised as a Dog

It is recommended get experience with children of the age group you want to adopt. That is tricky with babies. You could try to volunteer in a nursery or hospital. Your future agency will be able to give you advice. Different agencies have different expectations.

[sunshineandskyscrapers]

I read The Primal Wound. It's very repetitive. I didn't get to the end as it keeps repeating the same points. It's heavily implied that the points it presents are based on science, but they really aren't. In its favour, I recommended it to a friend of mine, who isn't adopted but spent months in an incubator when she was born (also covered in the book), and it really chimed with her. I wouldn't recommend the Primal Wound as a first read for a prospective adopter, though.

Sally Donovan's Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting or No Matter What would be a good place to start. They are based on her own experience of adoption, and while there is no 'typical' adoptive family, she does cover a lot of themes that are common in adoption, and her personal context helps to bring adoption to life in a way that purely theoretical books don't.

[Pollylong]

If you’re doing it for the right reasons (I.e because you understand the importance of minimal moves in a small child’s life/chance to start secure attachments straight away) then 100% recommend it.

you do have to be super strong, I lost count of the number of people that told us that they couldn’t do what we were doing.

but for a bit of context, and I say this with no regrets for the decisions we made
to foster to adopt, here is our story

a Monday in aug 2020 - a call from ss, saying a child was due to be born on sat that was a potential f2a was we interested

wed - another call child born, going to court tomorrow ( we had assumed it would not go f2a as we had one a
few months before that court decided on a mother and baby placement instead, so we were not getting hopes up)

thurs 5pm ish - please go pick up baby 2 hrs away, off we went, while family rushed
to get everything prepared.

we had a discussion with child social worker before who explained all the reasons why they were requesting f2a and assurances that they were as confident as they could be that child should not live with bp.

19 months later, march 2022 court decided child to be reunified with birth parents.

may 2023 child returned to us, after placement order granted as original social worker was right to be confident in her assurances that birth parents could
not do it.

our case is unique and hard in some many ways, but for all the cases that work out, there is always a chance you will be the small percentage that everything goes wrong, so you do have to think hard about what life would be like if reunification takes place, it changes you, it’s the loss of a
child, I know our story ends “happy”, but we still have a highly traumatised child now that never needed to go through the things she has experienced.

as I said I have no regrets about the decisions we made, but anyone thinking about it, I really believe you have to be in it for the right reasons, and you have to really examine in yourself if you can cope if they go, you can’t hold onto the “it probably won’t happen”

we coped because we knew we could do it, that doesn’t mean it didn’t break us, it did, but we knew we had a rock solid relationship and an amazing support
network.

I really truly think f2a is a good thing for the children, and if your strong enough to do it then DO IT 😀😀 xxx

[EG88]

I second in everything in the above post. A good while ago soneone wrote, on here, the reflection that it does not matter in the slightest what the statistics are. All that matters is whether you are certain that you can manage being the person who supports baby moving home with their family.

I have now done f2a twice. Both experiences where incredibly difficult for everyone involved. To begin with, I was told there was no way baby would return home. But their family worked extremely hard so we began the steps towards reunification. It was almost impossible but it is also what I had promised - to provide care that put LO at the centre. We began the steps towards reunification. The grief of that loss is impossible to explain. In the end there was a down to the wire decision made to end reunification. It then took a further 3 years before an adoption order was granted - heavy contact throughout - and almost impossible for all involved.

If you are considering f2a, I believe you do need nerves of steal and an absolute belief in your role to utterly love and endlessly nurture LO no matter how hard and how uncertain it all becomes. You need to be sure that your priority is LO and their right, wherever possible, to remain with their family. But should a decision be made for LO to remain in your care, it will be the grratest priviledge of your life. I'm years in to being their mum and I still pinch myself because I'll never forget the days I was told I wouldn't be.

Wishing you well, whatever you decide x

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@onlytherain thank you! I had read a bit about the Primal Wound and was kind of getting the same impression as you've described so was hesitant to read it, but kept seeing it pop up in my research. I'll look into the books you've suggested instead.

Talking to the agency about how to get the relevant experience is a good idea. The first agency I reached out to isn't accepting any new expressions of interest, but I've contacted another two and will follow up with them today. I'm really hoping to go down the 'foster to adopt' route so am hoping I can build up the relevant experience.

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@Pollylong Thank you so much for sharing your experience – that must have been such a nerve-racking time... I do have my heart set on foster to adopt as I want to be able to provide secure attachments in the child's life and minimise movements. I am worried about how we would cope in a situation such as yours though – but I also think this is probably a worry that most people would have going into f2a! I am happy to hear that your LO was able to stay with you but it must be very hard knowing that they have been through additional trauma that, as you say, wasn't necessary. May I ask how you chose the agency that you went with? I'm going to attend as many information evenings as possible but any advice / things to consider would be much appreciated. Also, are agencies looking for people for f2a that have specific experience with babies? If you don't mind me asking, what kind of experience did you have before you were accepted for f2a by your agency?

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@EG88 thank you for sharing your experience. I believe that I would be able to always put the needs of the LO before my own (although I also think that's a much easier thing to say than it is to do in practice when you are potentially facing losing a child..) I do worry about how it might affect my partner if there was a potential reunification. I'm not sure how he would cope with that. It's obviously very early days for us and we need to have a lot of conversations about what f2a means and whether it is right for both of us and any potential LO. And, first step is attending all the information evenings.. Do you have any advice on what to ask or what to look for when selecting an agency?

[Pollylong]

I terms of what agency to pick, there were only two agencies close to us as we are rural, and we picked the one with the best post adoption support, as we felt that was important.

in terms of experience, when we were
initially approved to foster to adopt and
mainstream adoption, we have no significant experience of babies at all really. We were approved as mainstream and foster to adopt. We had looked after my nephew who was two at the time, weekly during stage 1 and 2, showing we could do naps/feeding/play/care/nurture/nappy changes etc

in terms of being approved a foster to adopt carers, we did have to attend an additional afternoon of training, and we had to clearly demonstrate to our social worker that we understood the risks
involved, and how we would cope if the child was reunified, I.e where would we go to for help, support network/ willingness to use professional help for the loss. It was also about being able to have a positive attitude towards birth parents, and understanding the importance of having a relationship with birth parents during the fostering stage.

we adopted a 10 month old via mainstream adoption, and was approved as foster
to adopt carers again, on our second adoption approval, with the view of a f2a placement for our daughters biological brother, which never then happened.

when we picked up our second child, she was 1 day old, and I was terrified as I had never taking care of a newborn! Although not every f2a placement is a newborn.

I would suggest keep your options open, if you want to be approved as f2a alongside mainstream then go for it, but don’t focus solely on f2a, your child could be out there is a mainstream adoption case.

I think it’s one of those things that you know in your gut if it’s right for you, but it does need both partners to be all in, it’s one of the hardest things you’ll do, so you need to be on the same page.

Even if you have a relatively smooth case, it will always come with worry, anxiety, and contact/family time is hard.

its hard if the parents turn up every week,
it’s hard if the birth parents never turn up, it hard if the child comes out of contact every week unhappy, it’s hard if they come out every week happy. It’s hard if the birth parents buy nothing, it’s hard if the birth parents shower them with gifts every time. Everyone has their own experiences of contact, but from all the f2a couples I have spoke to, and I have spoke to a fair few, contact has been the aspect that causes the most stress.

X

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@Pollylong thank you so much for taking the time to share your experiences – it really is helping me so much having this board to come to and be able to speak with people who have gone through the process to gain some understanding before attending information evenings etc (these are planned for September as we are moving house at the end of the month!).

It's good advice to consider both F2A and mainstream adoption – as I'm sure you can tell, we are very early in our journey and need all the information we can get and to have some very long / deep discussions as a couple to work out which (if any!) is the right path for us / any potential child. As much as I desperately want a family, all the reading is really driving home the need to be honest with yourself about what you can take take on and what kind of support you can offer a child / the importance of putting a child's needs first.

I've been doing lots of reading about adoption experiences online and past MN posts on the adoption board – it's mentioned a few times that the F2A path is better suited to local authorities, and that voluntary agencies tend to work with older or harder to place children. Is this also your experience? We have an information evening with one LA and on VA planned so far.

[Parksitting]

The one book to read is "Fostering for Adoption" by Alice Hill, which is very readable and up to date: https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Alice-Hill/Fostering-for-Adoption--Our-story-and-stories-of-others/26111974
When choosing an agency, I think the key thing to consider is what support they will provide if the child goes back to their family e.g. Our agency Coram provide counselling, etc.

Btw Coram and some other agencies use the term Early Permanence rather than F2A. The reason being the term F2A implies that adoption is inevitable, the end goal and the best outcome which is definitely not the case. I found this nuance helpful when trying to understand the process and work out if we would go for it or not.

As other posters have said you need to be ready for a huge amount of uncertainty. As foster carers your sole job is to care for this tiny person while the courts and social services are deciding whether adoption is right for this child. You don't get updates on what is happening in the case, you just have to trust that others are doing their jobs and wait. It can be very disempowering.

Our tiny girl came at one month and it took a year until the adoption order came through.

The great thing is there is no rush to decide, once you express interest and start stage 1, there will be plenty of opportunities to explore EP/F2A and decide if you want to be considered for it or not.

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@Parksitting thank you for recommending the book - I’ll buy it and try to read it before our information evenings. I’ve been speaking to a lot of agencies and have signed up for information evenings with 3 (including Coram).