Year R transistion

[Julyandraining]

My child is moving to Year 1 in Sept. He is mostly 'fine' but does get anxious in new surroundings.
I went to his new class last week and he's not with any of his 'close' friends, which is only 3 other children.
I wrote a letter before classes were decided requesting he not be with another child (this child kicks/bites/scratches/pushes my son on a daily basis in school), and if he could please just be with 1 of his group of 3 close friends as I felt this would help his anxiety.
I found out at the weekend they have put the 3 other friends in a class together, and my child is on his own. If all the children were separated then I would understand it more, but I don't understand why my son has almost been segregated.

I went into school Tuesday morning (after drop off), asked to speak to the Designated Teacher (DT) for adopted children, and was told someone would call me. No-one had, so I went in today (at pick up) and asked why no-one had called. I was told it was the Head who was the DT and she would call me next Tuesday at 9am - 3 days before school breaks up for the summer.

I don't know what I can and can't 'push' in this situation, can I push for them to speak to me sooner, as a WEEK after I requested a conversation doesn't seem right?
I just want to understand why my son has been separated from his 3 friends, especially when I asked for him to be with just 1 of them, stated his anxiety, and they know he's adopted.
My son doesn't have any additional needs, isn't a trouble-maker etc, so there isn't a reason why he would be separated from all 3.

[Kimchikitchen]

At this age friendship groups are so very fluid.

I wouldn’t worry op

[Kimchikitchen]

It’s the end of term op

mad mad madly busy

and I’m afraid this just won’t be anywhere near a priority.

OP - chances are the three boys will be close to other boys within a week, and then back again, and then off again.

and they will have break times together

[Julyandraining]

I just feel I have to protect him, maybe it's a 'me' problem! But when he starts and realises the other 3 are together I know he'll get upset.
Part of me thinks Year 1 is about learning, so the less distractions the better, but then the protective side of me wants to know why he's been separated.

[Kimchikitchen]

Less distraction the better? Oh op….

And I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t give this another thought in 6 weeks times

invite the boys over during the hols if you’re worried

playtime is where the magic happens anyway

[Kimchikitchen]

Your real focus should be about addressing this child physically abusing your son.

How have the school handled that problem?

[Julyandraining]

Kimchikitchen - yeah, it’s just all new to me, and I don’t know what I should and shouldn’t be doing. All I know is my job is to protect him.

I know, it’s not just my son, he does it with others too, but they’re all ‘friends’ so nothing is being done. I saw another Mum on the weekend and she said this boy bit (broke skin and left a bruise) her sons arm, and pinched under his eye.
But nothing is done, which is why I said I didn’t want my child with him next year.

[Kimchikitchen]

But have you spoke to the school about that?

because I sure as heck would be pushing the deal to deal with that

friendship groups 🤷‍♀️

[Kimchikitchen]

A school that is allowing that to happen - is either unaware (which is concerning in itself) or very lax (which is downright shit)

[Kimchikitchen]

Op your job is to protect him

and putting him is different class to a violent boy is not going to do that. Playtimes is where it will all happen.

[Stinkyjellycat]

I find the responses so far incredibly dismissive. I don’t think your request is unreasonable for an adopted child who has anxiety no doubt linked to early trauma. I say this as someone who has been a teacher for 25 years and an adopter. The DT should be talking to you about this and you haven’t been unreasonable at all. Don’t be fobbed off - while friendships do change, this isn’t always the case and it will make transition you year 1 easier. They should at least be engaging with you and discussing the reasons for their decisions.

[rosiethefemaleone]

I agree with @Stinkyjellycat

Our children need more. Deserve more. More reassurance, more stability, more help.

[Jwhb]

One week isn't long in the context of a headteacher unfortunately. There is a lot going on at this time of year.

Is there a year group of phase leader you could ask to talk to? Ask his teacher first and they may be able to direct you to another suitable person.

[Misstabithabean]

Is the child who pushes and bites going to be in the same class as your child or with the three other children? If he is in the same class I would insist your son gets moved to the one with his friends - talk about the fact he will need some familiarity with the move to y1. If it's all 3 friends plus the pusher you will need to consider whether being with the friends will out weigh being in the same class as the violent child. I think it's very poor that the school disregarded your wishes and didn't put your boy with one of his friends.

Have the school done any work on transition to support your son with the move to y1? There is a lot they could do to reduce some of his anxiety. He will need to opportunities to build familiarity with the new classroom and y1 teacher.

When you speak to the head (and I would request face-to-face rather than phone) be ready to ask about the school's knowledge of early trauma and it's impact. I wonder if they need a bit of training!

You mention that it's all new to you and you're not sure what you should be doing. I would say think of yourself as your child's advocate in school. You need to be the one making sure he doesn't get forgotten because he's not a trouble-maker and that school do support him with his needs. (I have an anxious YR about to move to Y1 too! I have a very good relationship with my son's school but know I will need to keep 'pushing'/reminding them throughout his time there because they have so many other children with academic and behaviour needs)

[Julyandraining]

The biter isn’t with any of them, he’s in a different class completely. That was my main concern, that he wasn’t with my son, so I guess they’ve done that.
But having all 3 of his friends together and him being ‘left out’ just made my heart ache for him, and how he’ll feel when it happens and he finds out.

I just want them to explain why they didn’t put any of his friends with him, was it because they feel he’ll learn better with less distractions, but why then put them all together? My son is bright and confident, but will find that tough, and feel that he’s been excluded or even punished.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

You say your son doesn’t have any additional support needs, but children with looked after experience are automatically considered to have additional support needs unless it can be proven not to be the case. As such I’d be advocating strongly for his needs.

I would want an explanation of why he’s been separated - adopted children often struggle with social skills and even if it’s not obviously apparent, consideration should be given to helping your son develop and maintain friendships.

I also think it’s ridiculous the HT hasn’t called you a week after you’ve raised concerns. To be honest though I’d have been calling daily until she spoke to me, I have a very good relationship with my kids head teacher, but it’s taken work and I strongly advocate for my two, so she knows she can’t brush me off or ignore me.

I’d be exploring their understanding of developmental trauma, how it impacts children and the things they have in place to support your child’s social and emotional development as well as his academic learning. Reminding them that he comes under the definition of SEN/ASN because of his early experiences and exploring the support he does need (even if it’s support to widen his friendship circle, or to settle in class), will help focus their mind and help him not be overlooked because he’s an easy child.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I think you’re right too to think about how he’ll interpret the decision to separate him. I know my DS would think he had done something wrong and was being punished - because he automatically blames himself if something goes wrong, it’s part of the whole core shame thing that comes with trauma. In the same note I’d be checking what behaviour management processes they use, because some of them can be torturous for our kids.

[Misstabithabean]

It's good the biter is in a different class. (I know my boy is very wary and on hyper alert with a couple of children with unpredictable behaviour in his class and there's no option to change as it's single form) I think if it was me, I'd be pushing quite hard for my son to be moved into the class with his friends if you are not happy with the explanation - use what you have said above about his feelings re exclusion and punishment. It's not too late for them to do this despite what they might tell you!

If they won't even consider it and are dismissive ask for him to be put on SEN register and ask for an IEP that will show how they are going to support his social and emotional needs as @Jellycatspyjamas said, so that he is able to thrive in whichever class.

The fact they have ignored your letter and request to speak to the head for so long is really poor. I'm an ex-teacher and if classes had to be split a lot is considered - making sure there is a balance of SEN, behaviour etc in each class BUT we always made sure children had at least one good friend in their new class!

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

[rosiethefemaleone]

The virtual head might help, too?

[Seashor]

I teach year 1 and have an adopted child. Splitting children into classes is NOT done lightly, there are many, many factors that are taken into account. I cannot and won’t use parental requests as a priority, my job is to teach the children and I am under enormous pressure to get results, that’s my priority because my neck is on the line.

You have requested that your child be with his ‘friends’, their parents have requested that your son is nowhere near theirs! Can you imagine this with 60 children!

l do a lot of work with the children so that they get to know everyone in the class and work with everyone in the class.

You really are getting yourself wound up and are probably getting your child needlessly anxious. Instead of seeing it as a negative see it as a positive.

[Julyandraining]

I was TOLD he would be with ONE close friend. He isn’t with any. His THREE close friends are all together though.
No-one has said they don’t want my son ‘nowhere near theirs’?! What an awful thing to say!
I have made a huge effort for my son to NOT be aware of what I am speaking to his teachers about or be made ‘needlessly anxious’, but thanks for your assumptions!
Sorry for looking out for my son, for taking his emotional well-being into account, and for challenging the contradictions I’m being told!

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I cannot and won’t use parental requests as a priority, my job is to teach the children and I am under enormous pressure to get results, that’s my priority because my neck is on the line.

My goodness somethings touched a nerve with you. The OP didn’t say she was going to demand a change, she does have every right to have concern for her child beyond “results” and to explore how the school are going to support him with an unexpected situation where he is isolated from all of his friends.

Leaving a child with known vulnerabilities without social support in class may be unavoidable but parents need to understand that and advocate for their children to have the help they need to build new connections. An upset child in school is likely to struggle with learning so even if your priority is results it makes sense to consider their emotional and social wellbeing.

[Torvy]

I would say that it's worth asking about the child being moved, but it may be that the balance of numbers means this is not possible. Plus, if he is moved now, someone else may have to be moved out. Thats a big ask for a school. There could be a million reasons- a boys/girls ratio, as someone else mentioned that another parent has made a request about your child (you never know), that the SEND balance is off. Maybe they were just careless, but maybe not, and it's not always appropriate for teachers to share their reasoning regardless of whether the other child is friends with yours.

Is there not another childnhe likes in his class? Is it possible they thought he was with a friend because there is another child not in what you percieve to be the core group?

Classes and numbers are always tricky to manage, and it may be that your child has been placed with a more experienced teacher who has experience in kids with SEMH, or a TA who they know will be the same for him, or in a class where they do extra maths or PE on a Tuesday. I would be stating that i was assuming that there is clearly going to be more support in this class because there was obviously a rationale to do this, so they definitely wouldn't mind sharing that with you, riiiight?!

I would also agree with a pp that a week for a head teacher isn't a long time.

We are going through something similar where all of our child's friends are moving up to reception and he is staying in nursery. He feels abandoned and left behind and is upset, but this is life- there are opportunities for him to make new friends and consolidate his relationship with us.

Either way it goes, I do hope this is resolved for you in a way that you find satisfactory. OP