Adopting if you are insecurely attached yourself

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

Is this a recipe for disaster?

Are the best adopters those who have very secure attachments to their parents/families?

Can you ever heal from insecure attachments in your childhood?

As an adult I now have a secure and happy life with DH and our children but I know I still carry scars and pain from my own childhood. DH does too.

Would this be a barrier to adopting in the future?

[Lwrenagain]

Hello, not an adopter but I did tons of research on something called "blocked trust" because of my own childhood.

Have a Google of blocked care/Trust and see if you think you or DH would fit the criteria.
I felt on paper it would appear I would, but equally I know myself very well and I don't want to say for sure it wouldn't have arisen for me, but can say confidently with my personality it would be something I know if I started feeling that way, I'd react very quickly and seek professional advice immediately.

There are some wonderful YouTube videos by nyree squires (fly little birds) that have plenty of information about the theory of attachment and I'd recommend watching those.

I'd say that when I've completed the fostering process, it wasn't as intensive as adoption one which I didn't get to do, but it really makes you question "have I healed" from your own childhood trauma and is the motivation to adopt linked?

The SWs will go into it with you and DH lots, they may recommend no adoption or therapy first, but definitely as much research as you can before considering this seriously would be my suggestion.
I have witnessed blocked care a few times myself over the years from friends who've been caring for looked after children and shitty starts themselves, (sgos mainly) and its not gone well if I'm honest.

But I think it's amazing you're even thinking about this so early on.
Best of luck with whatever you decide and there is loads of information regarding blocked care/no attachments etc out there.

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

That's really helpful thank you. I hadn't heard of blocked trust/blocked care so that's given me something to think about and learn more about and I'll watch the YouTube videos you suggested too.

[Ted27]

@TheSweetestHalleluja
There is no such thing as an adoptive parent without a history.
We all have a past with good and not so good things in it.
What social workers will be more interested in is how you have overcome any difficulties.
If you have a good marriage and positive relationships with your children, that says a lot about you.
It does of course also gives you a very good insight as to how an adopted child may feel.

[mumof2many1943]

My childhood relationship with my stepmother and mother which was disastrous (my poor father was bullied by them) I can’t say I am healed but I have learnt to live with it.
I left home at 18 and I made my own life. I was totally honest with our SW and she felt I would understand a traumatised child DH had an idealistic life.
We added 6 children to our 3 homegrowns l hope they have all had a better experience than me.
I am sure your experience will not be a barrier, good luck.

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

Thank you @Ted27 that's a good point actually, all of us have a history.
I did the same @mumof2many1943 left home at 18 and became very independent from then on.

I'd say I've learned to live with it but still find myself wishing things were different, not only for myself, but the loss of those connections for my children too. They are fine with it as they know no different, but I still fall into the trap of thinking families should be like the the Christmas adverts, all the generations together around the table. I can't help but wish that was our experience but it just isn't. So I know I still have some healing to do and to start to see that families don't all look the same and that that's ok.

[Ted27]

@TheSweetestHalleluja

my upbringing was less than ideal, and my family is very small, no big TV advert Christmases for us.
But my parents think my boy is the bees knees, we have amazing friends and have built strong networks in the adoption community.
Families do come in all shapes and sizes, and thats fine.

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

Thank you @Ted27 you give me hope. Building networks sounds like an important step to take too.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

The question for me would be what work have you done on yourself to recover from your experiences? It’s one thing to say you’ve found ways of coping as an adult in adult relationships but honestly nothing touches your own childhood stuff like having your own children.

You say you have an insecure attachment style, that in and of itself isn’t too much of an issue, lots of people don’t have a secure attachment style. What does matter is knowing what you mean by that as in how does your attachment style impact your life and relationships for better or worse. What work have you/are you doing on that and what supports do you have in place.

As @Ted27 says, every adopter comes with a past, it’s what you do about that past that matters.

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

I had some counselling before I went on to have my children but you're right that having kids definitely makes you think about your own upbringing @Jellycatspyjamas

I think mainly I've tried to do things differently, I have done everything I can go give my DC the security and stability that I felt I missed out on.

I think my insecure attachment has made me fiercely independent, other than accepting support from my husband. So I think this is something I'd need to work on, actually trusting others to be supportive and not fearing rejection or judgement. So building a support network is something I feel I need to do, but I fear I may struggle with, as I don't really know how to let others in, outside of our little bubble.

Also, although I feel I've made peace with a lot of what has happened in my life, I do still sometimes feel that pain of not really having those family connections and I guess feel like it's a rejection of myself and my children from those that should love us. I know I can't change how others feel, or how they treat us, so I try to focus on making sure my DC know how special they are to me, and that they are loved unconditionally.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

It’s worth thinking about an adopted child’s attachment style bumping up against yours, ie they may struggle to let you in, to trust that you’ll care for them, feeling judged by you and how that might impact you. You’ve worked to raise your own children to be secure with you, but an adopted child won’t have that for a long time, if at all. That’s what I mean by thinking about how your attachment style manifests in relationships - that clash can be very hard to deal with because it triggers all your own insecurities and can lead to blocked care.

I found being in therapy during the assessment process and in early placement absolutely invaluable because it gave me space to vent, and to explore where I was being triggered by my children. Sadly dealing with this stuff isn’t a case of “one and done” so having supports in place early is a good strategy.

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

That's a really good point, I can definitely see how that could happen and the challenges that could bring. Therapy sounds like a very good idea, would it be worth looking for one trained specifically in attachment issues and adoption?

[Jellycatspyjamas]

Depending on where you are adoption specific training can be hard to come by. I’d look for an experienced general therapist with some understanding of trauma, look for something relationship based though rather than CBT type therapy.

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

Thank you @Jellycatspyjamas I'll have a look and see what I can find.

[mumof2many1943]

Have been giving your posts a lot of thought TheSweetestHalleuja I had a brilliant GP who was so good to all my children and he said to me my poor upbringing made the person I am and I should be proud. He may have something there!

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

That's lovely @mumof2many1943

[Whatthechicken]

Some brilliant advice from posters above. I think you’ll be fine, if it’s what you want. You are really reflective, seem to know your strengths and weaknesses and are willing to work on them, you are also able to identify where you may struggle. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

Thank you @Whatthechicken I really appreciate that.

[Lifeisnotsimple]

It didnt stop us, ive not spoken to my family for 10yrs, the relationship wasnt good. Tbh when we did the adoption days in training i cried buckets because it highlighted what id missed out. Pros: i can understand and empathise what its like to be rejected and not having the perfect family life. I work harder to make sure those mistakes are not repeated. Cons: my child misses out on extended family on 1 side like other famiies. It doesnt affect my child tho and hes never said hes sad because hes only got 1 grampa.

[TheSweetestHalleluja]

So sorry for the family you missed out on @Lifeisnotsimple and the triggers from your training days. So glad that it hasn't held you back and that you feel you've been able to break the cycle with your little one. I find it very inspiring hearing these experiences of others who have gone on to adopt and confronted their pain during the process.