Adopting with one biological child

[MovingMad87]

A bit of background; we have secondary infertility and have been doing ivf/fertility treatment for a few years now. We are now closing that chapter and looking into adoption. We have a 4 year old biological daughter who is about to turn 5, and I just wanted to hear about experiences from people who had adopted after having a biological child? Obviously in my dreams they become an incredible support for each other and it all gores incredibly well. But I know the reality is that adopted children often come with issues. Would be really interested in hearing from anyone with this real life experience. Thanks!

Trainer and author, Holly Marlow has just released a book on this

Adoption After a Biological Child: A biological and adoptive mother's story of attachment and unconditional love | adopting from foster care after ... | adoption biography | adopting after birth amzn.eu/d/6SAm2un

Adoption UK has a webinar on this that I found useful and also molly mama adopt on you tube is helpful for this.

Thankyou - this is really helpful

We adopted with a birth child who was 9. We had some great times with the kids when younger and both seemed ok but through the last few years our 12 and 18 year olds do not get on. It doesn't mean I regret adopting but I would say you have to adopt because you want a child/another child, and accept they may not be the best of buddies.

In reality my sister and I are now very close but it didn't really happen until I was a young adult.

Just wanting you to be aware.

Plus do not pass on hand me down clothes or equipment in the same way as you would with birth kids, just found it didn't work so well for us!

We adopted when our birth daughter was 9. They are now 20 and 12, they get on brilliantly. All the normal arguments but they have a brilliant relationship. It's not all been plain sailing but they adore each other, not that he would admit now he's nearly a teenager!

I found keeping life very low key for a few years really helped.
Adopting the opposite sex helped too I think, they weren't in competition with each other. There is a 7 1/2 year age gap and it's worked well as I had time on my own with them both when they were little and I could explain to my eldest that ds needed a bit more time to start with.
We were very honest with our social workers what we could and couldn't cope with as a family.

When you say 'low key life' what do you mean? Really glad to hear they get on! How long was the adoption process for you from start to finish? And how old was your son when you adopted him?

Just not putting any pressure on yourself to do to much. Ds loved being at home and just pottering. I tried not to plan to much in a day, if we went to the park that was all we did that day. The only organised thing I did with him was forest school.
Dh did find it hard to really slow down and lower expectations though a bit to start with and ds really tested us at night time!

Ds was 21 months when he came home.
It took 8 months to be approved and we got matched quite quickly after that. I think they might have had ds in mind as a good match for us before we were approved. We had introductions 2 months after being approved. For some couples in our preparation group the process did take quite a bit longer though. This was over10 years ago though and I think the approval process has changed a bit.
They really have a lovely relationship. They text each other funny Tik toks and he gets her to take him for late night McFlurrys! Over the last few years in the summer holidays, she always try's to plan a day with him just the two of them. They still do wind each other up a lot too though! But they generally have lots of fun together.

@Sarfar45 it is lovely to hear about your children and how adoption appears to be successful for the whole family.

We had a great social worker which made the process so much easier.
The best advice I can give is to be really honest with your social worker and yourselves. Obviously adopting comes with lots of uncertainty and there's no guarantees but just be realistic about what's best for everyone.
Our social workers spent ages talking through lots of different issues and we were honest about what we could and couldn't cope with. Obviously with very young children there is a lot of uncertainty but the more honest you are it really helps them build a picture.

@Sarfar45 I am so glad things worked out so well.

Mine currently do not get on, but I love on hope. Xx

My biological child and adopted child get on really well (on the whole). My adopted child has so much more needs than first anticipated at matching which has impacted on the family.

@Italiangreyhound i think we adopted at around the same time I remember your username. I only really dip in and out of Mumsnet but also pop on to the adoption board when I do. I can't remember what my username name was then!

I know so many siblings who don't get on as teenagers, my nephews spend so much time fighting and don't ever spend time together unless they have to. There's so many hormones flying around. Hopefully once your two get through the tricky teenage years there relationship will get better. I suppose there's no guarantees with any sibling relationships. Me and my sister get on ok but aren't very close for various reasons due to tricky family stuff.

@Sarfar45 thank you, it's good to know something good for the future.

If you remember your user name, message me! I am sure I'll remember you too.

Just like any siblings you have to be aware that they may not get on

also you will need to adopt the opposite sex child to what you currently have to avoid sex based competition
we have a bio son so adopted two girls it works really well and they always ask when can they see their big brother

son was 14 when I adopted my middle one who was 1 when she came