"Go away!" "I don't want you!" "I don't love you!"

[estornudar]

Hi all. It's been quite an emotional weekend and I'm just after some perspective and advice if you have any to share!

LO is 3 years 3 months and has been with us since he was 11 months old. So far things have gone relatively smoothly. We've had the ups and downs that come with having a small child of course, but he seems to have built secure attachments with me and DH, as well as with our close family and friends. He is a happy chatty cheeky monkey and we love him more than anything in the world.

In the past couple of months it has been noticeable that there are times when he seems to take against people (especially my DH, my mum and my grandma) and will say things like "go away", "I don't want you", "I don't like you anymore" and "I don't love you". This is often out of the blue, sometimes just a couple of minutes after having lots of fun with them. I haven't spotted a pattern yet. I have had it very occasionally, though usually when I'm asking him to do something he doesn't want to do (like brush his teeth or put his pyjamas on), but it usually passes very quickly. With other people it can last for minutes or even an hour or two.

Now, I know that 3-year-olds are still learning to regulate their emotions and are always testing you, but the fact this has been going on for a while now, along with the same people being targeted and the length of time it can go on for is starting to concern me. It is also having an emotional impact on those involved, and today it brought my mum to tears. DH has also had a cry after LO went to bed this evening.

I just don't know what to do. LO goes to my mum and dad's for childcare once a week (and has done so for 18 months now) so it's not like it's a new situation. My mum has asked for any strategies she could use, but what works for me (picking him up, cuddling him and saying "well I still love you" or similar) doesn't seem to work with anyone else as he starts screaming if they try to pick him up.

Any advice? I've put in a request for post-adoption support to contact me this evening and have dug out the books I read during the pre-adoption stages, but my mind is very full at the moment! My dad has prostate cancer and DH found out he had a (manageable, but serious) lifelong disease last year, so between us we're all shouldering a lot of emotional baggage at the moment and this seems like it's going to be something big to unpack.

What do you think?

[GSM545]

hi estornudar- i am only approved without a placement yet so dont have any expertise but just to say you sound like a great mum and am sure someone better qualified can give you some help. I will say thought that the fact he feels he can be 'horrible' to you all is probably a good sign in some ways from what I have heard.

[121Sarah121]

@estornudar I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I think it is amazing that he is able to verbalise how he is feeling. I wonder if it happens at transition times. I don’t mean big transitions like leaving the house, but more subtle ones like the end of a game, tIne for snack, adult leaving for the toilet etc. what I am thinking, and please correct me if I am wrong, it seems to happen as a result of things coming to an end (bedtime signals the end of the day) and it’s related to separation. Look at strategies for your child to “hold you in mind” eg photographs, notes, transitional objects. That might help with separation especially if he is closed to grandparents and they don’t live with you. He might hate grandma in the moment because he is worried grandma is leaving and he feels rejected so rejects her first? Same if your dh works more hours so is away more?

in the moment, name the feeling eg you appear angry, I can hear your shouting voice. I wonder what is making you angry, could it be ——? It doesn’t matter if you get it wrong, he will no doubt shout what the problem is. He might not be able to access his language skills depending on his regulation but just being there and present might be enough.

also, it sounds quite age appropriate rather than just adoption related but as always, the two can’t be separated. I hope this helps a little. I might be way off the mark but spend a few days trying to work out the triggers and see what you come up with. Also, you might be doing these so maybe it’s not relevant but happy to share some other ideas if you think it might help

[estornudar]

Thanks both. He definitely can have difficulties with transitions and we try to forewarn him of changes as much as possible. Thank you for those strategies, I will try to put some of them into action. I agree about how amazing it is that he can verbalise them, but I think I'm alone in feeling this, perhaps because the others don't know as much? I really appreciate both your responses. Thank you!

[Jellycatspyjamas]

You might find he’s also picking up on the stress of two serious illnesses in the family - no matter how much we try to shield our children they’re intuitive wee souls and it could be he’s feeling uncertain without actually knowing why?


I agree about how amazing it is that he can verbalise them, but I think I'm alone in feeling this, perhaps because the others don't know as much?

No matter how much you know it’s hard when rejection is directed towards you and the child can’t be easily soothed out of it.

[tonyhawks23]

My DD, nearly 3,does this alot.i dont think I've any advice but your not alone.i haven't taken it to heart so hadn't had it on my worry list.recently I have said it's too rude to say like she does and explained it's not kind and she has stopped with the go away.maybe changing the way it's said would help,like not to say it to your mum as it's too rude but she can talk about feelings in a nicer way or something?

[NurturedBelonging]

Hi estornudar,
 
I hope that you’ve had a helpful response from the post-adoption support team and that things are moving forward for you now.  Alongside that, you might like to look into the book called The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine.  The approach that they talk about in the book is geared towards adopted children, and there are a lot of tips and techniques in there that you might find to be helpful in supporting your little one, especially when he’s distressed.  You’re going through a lot at the moment, and the book gives really clear and practical advice, so it hopefully shouldn’t feel like another thing for you to hold in mind!
 
Sending you all the best!

[Whenwilliberich]

This may not be what you want to hear but I do believe this is possibly a phase children go through at this age.

my son did this, was adopted around same age as your child. IT was always around bed time. We stuck to routines and just told them we loved them. It got painful for a bit so occasionally I’d have to walk out of the room but eventually it stopped.

i did tell them that when they said that it made me sad but I still loved them - I think they eventually just stopped.

I also tried agreeing with them when they said they liked someone else…