I've found out I was adopted & no body told me

[LostGuy66]

Hello

I'm Jean, I'm 57 years old, 6 years ago when, what I thought then was, my mum died at the age of 92, my father having died in1995 aged 68, not only did I have to cope with loss of my 'mum' but I also found out that I was adopted and that this had been an " Open Secret" between the older generation for 50 plus years, in all that time, nobody sat me down to explain to me that I wasn't their child.

As you can imagine the knowledge of this has completely blown my world apart & I don't know who my mummy is..

Help please


Jean

[81louise]

Hi Jean,

I can't imagine how traumatic this is for you, and to have no one around to answer your questions about it. I would be so angry and confused. Sending massive virtual hugs

I didn't want to read and run, so I've done a quick google search on where you could start.

This link helps you with or without your original birth certificate.
https://www.gov.uk/adoption-records

You also fall into a group where counselling is offered.

The link above then leads you on to the Adoption Contact Register

There are charities who help people in this situation too, you are not alone and there will be plenty of support out there, I'm sure if you search your area and Adult Adoptee
This link may help too https://corambaaf.org.uk/fostering-adoption/adoption/information-adults-who-were-adopted-or-care/useful-organisations-adults

I hope I havn't overwhelmed you with info, but that I provide a starting point to go forward.

Take it easy on yourself. Finding something like this is life changing and you are not expected to just bounce back and carry on as normal.

[Italiangreyhound]

I'm so sorry, this must be so hard.

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Hi. That must have been a real shock for you and your whole foundation of life rocked.

I can't advise on finding records etc.

What I would like to say however is you were adopted at a time when adoptive parents were advised to do a clean break, new start, keep it secret. So they were only doing what they thought was best for you. Yes they didn't give birth for you, but hopefully they loved you as if they did, and were a stable and loving family towards you.

Best wishes.

[Delectable]

Sending you hugs and hoping you felt and still feel loved by them.

[vjg13]

I'm so sorry that your adoptive parents chose to do this to you. I am an adoptee of a similar age. I traced my birth family using an intermediary service and it has been absolutely life changing for me. There was a lot of very difficult information to process and I was very grateful to have professional support along the way.

If you seek counselling, to counsel adoptees the service must be Ofsted registered, just to make it that bit harder to find suitable help!

[Glenlivet]

So sorry that you’ve found out in this way and it must be a real shock Take a look at
https://adultadoptee.org.uk/ they have lots of links and resources as well as personal blogs from adult adoptees.
You’re not alone - sadly there are many late discovery adoptees, and it does add an extra layer of complexity.
if you are able to access counselling try and find a trauma informed counsellor The Ofsted requirement is under consultation and likely to be removed so don’t worry about that
You can access your adoption records via your local authority and that may help you put together some of the pieces of your life
Take care and good luck xx

[Rosemar89]

Asking because I did a Dna test and my brother is not related to me lol
I have a certificate of an entry not a birth certificate but that doesn't say adopted on it, did you have the same thing instead of a birth certificate?

[LeoLeo2]

I am so sorry, that must have been a shock. Does your brother know too? I hope you have some support.

A certificate of entry does not necessarily mean you are adopted. It may mean the original certificate was lost or there was a later name change. I have a certificate of entry because my Dad went to register me but didn't notice the registrar spelling my (unusual) name incorrectly and it had to be changed later.

My adopted children have an Adoption Certificate rather than a Birth Certificate (and they do also have rheir original birth certificate).

However, those are fairly recent and there may have been changes to the system from earlier years. Do you have any access to family history, is there anyone of an older generation you can speak to?

[Redwinesalt]

@LostGuy66 reaching out as I generally g

[Redwinesalt]

My adoption was in 1969 - I have contact witnesses birth family but at Xmas it hits home

[LBFseBrom]

I am so sorry! It must have been a terrible shock for you. I'm surprised you never heard whispers and guessed but it is what it is. I don't get what your parents thought they would achieve by not telling you, they knew you'd probably find out eventually, but there it is and it cannot be changed now.

It's quite possible your birth mother is still living and could have been hoping for years that you would get in touch so that is worth considering if you want to.

I am in my seventies and was adopted but I always knew though not the details. I was told my mother had died, which I never believed. I found and met her when I was 37 which was cathartic though we didn't form a relationship. She died a few years ago and remembered me which was touching.

If you had a reasonable good and happy life, op, try to concentrate on the good things and forgive your parents who must have felt very insecure to keep such a secret. Even though I knew about my adoption, my parents were insecure, at least my mother was and that did cause problems but it's all in the past.

Good luck and nurture yourself. You will get through this.

[user1492757084]

Sometimes, back in the early and mid 1900s, babies were unofficially adopted within the family. There was no unmarried mother's payment and poor contraceptives.
People coped as best they could.
I suspect that many families have adopted childen within who do not know their exact parentage.

It would be a shock; but you are lucky to have found out.
My elderly father who is 95 has cousins who were adopted but he is only now talking about it, and discretely.