Re-evaluating adopting a second child

[teekay88]

Hi there. Am not sure what I am looking for from this post other than maybe a bit of a hand hold and to hear others experience of this

I think in my heart of hearts I always have wanted to adopt again after the first time, even though I also simultaneously always knew that it's often a complicated decision for many and have heard many adopters reflect on needing to change their priorities after welcoming their first child home and coming to terms with their needs . However I think the actual realisation has hit me 3 years on from adopting my little boy that it just may not be possible for us

I adopted my DS at 13m and initially we had no concerns regarding additional needs. He has continued to meet developmental milestones but in the last year it has become apparent that some initial concerns we had about behaviour and emotional regulation are founded and these have significantly affected our experience of parenting and capacity to take on any more stressors

He is a lovely boy - affectionate, great social skills and emotional intelligence, clever, thoughtful and kind when he is at his best. However he also greatly struggles with regulating his temper, physical aggression particularly towards me, separation anxiety, and managing even minor frustration. In the last six months I have had to fight hard to advocate for him in his nursery setting to meet his needs (that in itself could be a post); access support at my rock bottom through Adoption UK (Which has been a godsend); completely reacquaint myself with therapeutic parenting and intensively apply it as much as I can manage (although admittedly I am exhausted and burnt out from the effort of this against my own mental he as th struggles); accept co-sleeping every night resulting in about only 2 hours of me time for my partner and I per day (including time to eat dinner); give up work temporarily to be home with him to help him through a particularly rough patch; and accept an incredibly intense need to be with me and touch me at all times (he is incredibly suffocating with his need for almost constant physical touch to feel reassured). I don't say this to be woe is me but just to explain where we're at

He's 4.5 now and I know that nothing lasts forever. I also always planned on there being a reasonable age gap between him and any sibling as I knew I couldn't cope with 2 very young ones at same time with all that adoption brings. But I did envision being at the point of considering it by now. The way things feel I don't see how he I or my partner would cope with a sibling (or be approved to go through process as I suspect they'd have concerns about how he'd adapt)

I'm trying not to see things as a finite decision but more and more the possibility of adding a sibling feels an out of reach dream. Is there anyone else out there who has struggled with these feelings? If so I would love to know what helped your decision making and how you reconciled this with your feelings

[teekay88]

I should add that the Adoption UK support has been a game changer and been so supportive in helping us get back to PACE parenting and understand his needs. The meltdowns and aggression are much improved. So it's not all doom and gloom as we are seeing results but I just don't see the overall long term reality drastically changing

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I adopted a sibling pair, so different experience to you. What I would say though is that one child with additional needs is hard going, two with competing additional needs is very hard indeed. You are right to think about you and your husbands capacity to cope, and to be honest about your limitations. It’s entirely possible another child would come with equally complex needs which may not be known at the time of placement because they would be younger. And your current child will change in relation to any new addition so there would be a lot of uncertainty and only you know how much you’re able to tolerate that.

[Montues]

Hi, our son sounds incredibly similar to yours - in everything you describe. He’s almost 4. The emotional impact on us as a couple too sounds similar. That’s partly why I wanted to respond!
What is different is that I’m a slightly older adopter, so I never seriously imagined us adopting more than one child. In the past couple of years we have been approached twice about new birth siblings. We’ve been quick to say no both times and that we aren’t in a position to. But both times I have felt quite a big sense of loss that it would all feel too much for us and our son. So I can relate in part to what it’s like to re-evaluate what your family is like and the very hard reality of parenting a child with trauma/complex needs.
Not sure how helpful hearing this is to you. But I do think if we were a bit younger we would feel that we could wait and see how things were for our child and then consider a second one when he’s that bit older. A couple who adopted older siblings of our son are considering one of the new birth siblings. They feel their girls are much more ready for this huge change, and that so are they.
Do you have good adoption support? It might be helpful to talk it through with somebody there as well.

[MsJAH26]

Delayed reply to your post, sorry! I had to message you as your Son sounds so so similar to my oldest.
We adopted twin boys at 8 months old, they were premature and birth mum had mental health issues, we were advised that twin 1 was quite behind in development and to be prepared that he may not go to mainstream school.
He was a super clingy baby with me, then rejected me as a toddler, only wanting Daddy. At 4 yo he was really struggling to regulate his behaviour and lashing out on a regular basis.
He is 8 yo now and still finds it tricky to control his emotions sometimesbut the improvement in him is amazing. He is kind and funny and very happy. He and his Brother will never be academics but they try so hard at school (mainstream after all!!)
I guess what I’m trying to say is, its so so hard with kids at times, especially if you’re always dealing with the “unknown” factors that adoption brings, I constantly worry about my boys and feel like Im messing up. Some days are a nightmare! But please dont lose heart. It sounds like you are giving your son lots of love and just being there for him, it will pay off eventually x

[Iggyflop]

Hi OP, we’re in a really similar position to you. Had always imagined we’ll adopt again and still don’t feel as though our family is complete BUT am not sure if a sibling is compatible with our child’s needs. We’re still trying to get an understanding of what his needs actually are and what support he might need moving into the future because he’s a bit of an enigma. The thought of doubling the responsibility and level of need feels pretty exhausting just considering it!

Don’t have any advice for you. Just wanted to say we’re in the same boat!

[Amotherlife]

We adopted again when our eldest was 6, although we applied to do so when she was about 3.5. The second process unexpectedly took much longer than the first, and one aspect to that was that there were no suitable children in our agency, and outside agencies tended to be looking for parents with older or no children for their child.

Eldest had emotional and behavioural issues - we had to advocate endlessly for her through nursery, school and college and she eventually got an EHCP that helped to an extent. However, we managed her ok ourselves at home and she was always a good sleeper, so not quite your situation.

Eldest was year 2 at school when youngest (then just two years old) was placed. So I was able to take a year's adoption leave and spend a lot of time with her to get her settled. She was an easier child in a lot of ways but anxiety / tantrums were an issue. School was fine in the sense she was always compliant (too much maybe) so no one complained about her. She became more anxious in teen years but school were supportive.

What helped though was DH began wfh when dd2 was quite young. I worked part time and between us we could manage appointments, school meetings etc as well as general parenting. I'm not sure it would have worked if he had been out of the house every day for long hours.

Also our two are diametric opposites in almost every way and they have never really got on. Now they are older (still live with us) they just avoid each other most of the time. Despite our best efforts, eldest has always been insanely jealous and even now rarely makes the effort with her sister. Dd2 would get on well with dd1 if dd1 reciprocated.

So it's not been easy ( there are other issues I've not mentioned) but I don't regret anything. But if you have doubts, I don't think I'd advise you to go for a second. I didn't really have doubts btw, but bonding with dd2 was VERY hard - took about 2 years for me. And going back to having a toddler when eldest was nearly 7 was difficult too.