Mixed Asian/White Adoption

[Peona]

Hi, does anyone know which boroughs are good for mixed Asian/white adoptions? We live in Lewisham (London) and were told they never have any children who would match us and we have tried Newham, Tower Hamlets, Ealing and Hounslow and have had no luck. We have considered adopting from abroad but have been put off by the amount of time it takes and the cost. We're in our 40s, so feel time is running out, and we've spent about £20K on IVF already!

[sashh]

It's probably just normal jitters, but when we started out we had hoped that our child would not look obviously different from us

One of my friends who just happens to be black says the one thing she never expected in life was to have a white child.

Her mother and the midwife actually argued in the delivery suite as to whether the child was white or just pale.

She is now the grandmother of 4 children, who, to all intents and purposes look white.

For reasons I will not go into the eldest was adopted and my friend had to fight for her to be classed as mixed race.

She said she and her daughter had no problems with her being adopted by a white family, but if she grew up not knowing her black/Jamaican herritage and went on to have children with a white partner it would casue problems if the baby was black.

Anyway, to stop the rambling, birth children can look very different to their parents and siblings.

[MyBaby1day]

I am half English, half Asian and remember meeting a woman FC who my Mum knew who was looking after a little boy for a while of the same mix. She said people often didn't want MR children , don't know how far true it is so I thought Peona would find it fairly "easy" (I know adoption is far from easy) but iykwim. Hope she got her dream DD or DS though! .

[CheerfulYank]

Maybe it's that in the US there are not as many black adoptive families (though there are programs like One Church, One Child which are trying to change that) but I believe about an equal number of black/white children in the system.

Yes, I am still planning to adopt! I'm pregnant right now though so it will probably be a few years. :)

[Lilka]

There are a few transracial adoptions, it's not set in stone, but it depends on the agencies and SW's involved. It's mostly matching based on heritage although looks can come into it. As lamb said, it's an issue for waiting children with an unusual background, for prospective adopters with an unusual background or one which deosn't match the witing children's profiles, and it might be an issue for a white British couple living in an area with a very high black and mixed race population. But the vast majority of children in care are white British, and therefore for the average adoptive parent/s (who are also white British), they will never have to think about transracial adoption, because they will be able to find a child with their background

I feel that race is important, and must be considered in matching, but it shouldn't block a child from being adopted at all. If two sets of parents are interested in say, a Nigerian child, and one set is Nigerian and the other is not, then as long as all other things are equal, the choice is obvious. If a child has very little prospect of finding a family with the same background, then SW's mustn't wait years in hope of finding someone, there must be a move to find other parents, unless that particular child really needs parents of the same race/background. Prospective adopters who want to adopt transracially should be getting some training on the issue, and hopefully the opportunity to speak with adoptees who grew up in that situation. They should be able to demonstrate some understanding of potential issues. We shouldn't be treating it as a non-issue and sending people in blind, we shouldn't be allowing ANYbody who wants to adopt transracially to do it. But we should also recognise that being adopted transracially could well be in a childs best interests if they can't be adopted otherwise

By the way, Cheerful, are you still planning to adopt? Just being nosy, feel free to ignore! :)

[lambethlil]

It's not looks so much as heritage, and has led to some real shortfalls where there are many children of a particular background, but few potential adopters. Or where a child has a 'complicated' parentage, say Thai/ Norwegian. For that reason as a 'set in stone' policy, it's been relaxed, but I'm not sure how it's working out now.
The adoption system in UK is all about the child's needs and the thinking behind this policy was that, for example a white couple adopting a black child wouldn't be able to bring that child up with a healthy sense of his own identity.

[CheerfulYank]

I know this is a very old thread but I'm by this...not the OP's story so much, that's lovely! :) But in the UK do they really match children based on looks? Here in the US you can adopt any child if you can suit their needs (except Native children because of the Indian Child Welfare Act, but that's the only exception).

[Cheltenhamgirl]

Peona, we are Asian as well Hindus and we have just started the adoption process we live in Gloucestershire and there are not many Asians n the area. We decided to go through barnados and would like to adopt a Hindu Indian child or from a mixed race White or Hindu. I don't know how realistic our wishes are. We would love to find out more from you just so we know what we have ahead of us. Our training is in January, we have had our first visit filled out numerous forms and just getting medical and crb forms done. Any help you have we would be grateful.

[Acinonyx]

Peona - I am half-Pakistani but not muslim and I also had no luck with London agencies when enquiring about mixed Asian/English children. I just gave up, basically, as there seemed no hope of a match.

It's rather ironic, that my being adopted into a xian family now means I cannot adopt myself (literally...).

[hester]

Huge congratulations

[Peona]

Hi Muli, Congratulations on being matched with your little girl! It sounds like you were much more pro-active than we were. We left it up to our SW pretty much, apart from looking at Be My Parent and Children Who Wait on-line every day. She said she would only contact us when she had a serious potential match so as to spare us disappointment if any child's SW wasn't interested in us, and I know she made lots of inquiries before she told us about 2 children, of which our potential DS was one. We were going to go to an Adoption Register open day, but by then we were being considered for him so cancelled it. We're looking forward to getting all the kid-stuff too. DH won't let me get anything or decorate rooms until panel has approved the match - he's very superstitious and doesn't want to jinx things.

[muli]

opps!!! I didn't mean heehaa!
I meant Yeehaa

[muli]

hi peona,

I.ve just been reading your blog, my partner and I are asian/english mix and we are of the muslim faith, we went to panel feb/09 and were match with a little girl two months ago, so we are in the same boat as you, we will also be going for introductions in January . To be honest we had about 4/5 profiles of children put forward to us before we decided what felt right , although we are muslims it does'nt necessarily make it easier dare i say i think it depends on your sw effort,your efforts and checking with adoption register regulary and attending profile days. We went to a profile day in London and twenty other couples as well as us enquired about a little girl and we were'nt suited even though they were looking for english/asian muslim couple, it can depend on so many things, i.e area, family, other sibblings etc, whats suits you and whats suitable for the child involved, .Also going back 2yrs ago I read an artical in The Times newspaper saying how the Indian goverment were aiming to place children within 48days !!! this was due to the amount of girls being left outside orphanges,it read at the time that they appriciated foreign adopters!! so who knows!!

Anyway best of luck to you both looks like we both have an exciting time to look forward to, we bought our buggy today,soo exciting .painting nursery tomorrow.heehaa

[Peona]

Very helpful! Thank you Kew and Bran for reassuring me, I thought I was losing the plot today. Not helped by being kept awake for 3 nights in a row generally over-thinking things. I now realise I was discombobulated . Anyhoo...the next step is meeting everyone involved in his care, foster mum etc in Jan, with a view to panel in Feb, and introductions early March. I'll let you know how we get on. I'm off to bed now!

[TheWorldFamousKewcumber]

I think if the child looks even vaguely like you thats an advantage. My DS is a completely differnt race and though it hasn't been a problme so far I'm not blind to the possibility that it might be one day.

Oh blimey, wobbles. I wobbled all the way form passing panel until DS had been with me about 3 months! Perfectly natural, make your judgement based on the facts you know then just stick your fingers in your ears, sing "la la la la la" very loudly all the way to ignore that little gremlin inside saying "are you ABSOLUTELY sure?"

Of course you're not absolutely sure, you're not brain dead!

Was that helpful?

[bran]

Congratulations, how exciting for you. It is entirely normal to have wobbles about whether you are right for the child and the child is right for you. He sounds adorable. (If you think you're having wobbles then have a look at my thread when we were matched with DD. Major meltdown, and that all worked out absolutely fine. )

They do seem to have eased up on the religious side of things, depending on which local authority it is. We had DD placed with us in March and she is Pakistani Muslim on her birth father's side (she is white and black Jamaican on her birth mother's side). However neither the birth mother nor the birth father expressed any preference regarding the religion of the adoptive family so it wasn't high on the list of priorities when they were placing her.

If everything else is right then I wouldn't worry too much about ethnic origin, especially as it's unknown on the birth father's side.

What would be the advantage to you of knowing that your child was definitely a white/asian mix? I know that it's advantageous to the child to be matched with a similar heritage family so that they can know some of the cultural background they come from, but in the case of this particular boy as his BF is unknown then an exact match isn't possible anyway.

[Peona]

Hi, sorry for the delay in replying - been out for a few hours. Thank you both for your posts. I realise I didn't explain - the little one is not white. The SW has experience of placing children in white/SL families and thinks that he looks like he would fit with us - he does have similar facial features to DH and has olive skin but does have very curly/afro hair. DH has curly hair (or did have once upon a time ) but not afro. He has attached well to his foster family, is meeting all milestones, so he is pretty perfect - particularly if we might wait 2 years for a child who looks 'more Asian' but could have had a far worse start in life with future behavioural and emotional problems. Is it normal to have wobbles about whether you are right for the child you're matched with before you meet him or her? Honestly, it's like I'm pregnant: hormonal and tearful all day today!

[TheWorldFamousKewcumber]

why does SW think he would fit in well with a sri lankan family? IF both birth parents are probably white? It sounds odd when SW's get so aerated about ethnic matcehs.

Apart from my conclusion, I agree with KristinaM

[KristinaM]

oh that's great news that you have been approved so quickly

as to whether or not this is the right child for your family....well obviously its a very personal decision. but personally I would be more influenced by possible risk factors and how is is developmentally rather than exact ethnic matching. but that's just me

good luck with your decision

[Peona]

Hi - it's been a long time since dh and I started the adoption process, but I'm finally back to give you an update. We started the home study in March 2009, it was quite challenging (!) but overall a good experience. We were approved in September and have potentially been matched with a mixed-heritage boy age 21 months. His birth father is unknown, but probably not Asian, and his birth mother is White, and his SW thinks he would fit well in a Sri-Lankan family. We had the impression there aren't many Asian/mixed Asian children available, and those there are need Muslim adoptive parents. It would be good to know if other people found this too, before going ahead as it has been a relatively short time between approval and matching - should we wait longer for a definite Asian/mixed Asian child? It's probably just normal jitters, but when we started out we had hoped that our child would not look obviously different from us, but having seen this little boy's DVD, he has really charmed us - he's gorgeous.

[beemail]

megglevache - yes no probs just contact me at your leisure

[KristinaM]

oh thats great news Peona! There are so many waiting children who are of mixed heritage - its seems crazy to me that they SS are often so discouraging to families like yours

Do come back and keep us up to date

[Peona]

I certainly will. Back soon!

[bran]

Fantastic, that sounds very promising. I hope it goes really well for you.

Will you be come back and let us know how it's going?

[Peona]

Hi, we contacted Coram today and spoke to a lovely SW who was very encouraging, said they have links to eg Birmingham, and so we will be going ahead with the meetings etc from April, so thanks again for all your advice everyone .

[bran]

I think India is a bit undecided in it's attitude to allowing children to be adopted by foreigners. On one hand there is a lobby that says that there are more abandoned children than there are domestic adopters and it's better for them to be sent abroad than to languish in orphanages. But there is also a very strong lobby that says that as the country is becoming more wealthy there should be more effort to help the poorest families and stop children from being abandoned. Furthermore they want to stop all foreign adoptions as they feel that having the children sent abroad brushes the issue under the carpet and means it will take longer for it to be addressed properly.

I know that there are some rather underhand tatics being used to discourage forign adoptions. For instance orphanages are regularly accused of taking bribes or selling children. Whenever this happens any adoptions that were scheduled to take place from that orphanage are put on hold while the claims are investigated. We have met a family (mixed white and Indian) who spent 6 months living in India waiting for their daughter to be released to them after her orphanage had been accused of corruption. They were very lucky as they could both work remotely, but most families would have had to return to the UK without their prospective child.

The is a charitable organisation that deals exclusively with Indian adoption - Asha I think. I'm pretty sure they are a subsidiary of the Inter Country Adoption Center that Beemail mentioned.