Time to Admit Disruption? 😔

[Puppymamma]

We are adopters of a 15yrs boy. We’ve had him since he was 9 months.
things have progressively got worse over the years culminating lately in violence towards my husband and verbal abuse for me.
we have tried ALL of the “training& workshops” offered to us. But nothing we do makes a difference. I have become disabled within the last 4 years due to the constant barrage of abuse from him and the stress we are put under from lack of support and constant battling for help. I am absolutely at the end of my tether and I do t feel like I even love him anymore, he was my life.

[Noimaginationforaun]

I’m sorry things are so tough at the moment. Are you all in therapy? Individual and family? Are you under CAMHS? What about his school Inclusion lead? Social workers early help?

Personally, I think ‘admitting disruption’ 14 years after you adopted him sounds really horrific and I can’t imagine the damage that would do to a 15 year old!

[anonymousobserver]

14/15 is without doubt the worst age. It’s horrific because they are big enough to do real damage to both themselves and other people, and still too immature to control their impulses.

It sounds like you are beyond the sort of help that any workshop run by the local authority could possibly offer. What about one of those boot camps? At least it would physically exhaust him, which would probably also improve his mental health.

[Therapeutic70]

I tried to pm you but can’t. If you message me, I will message back. It’s so tough.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

That sounds very hard, and I can only imagine how much distress you’re in to be thinking of disruption.

I agree it’s well beyond a bit of a parenting class, what support do you currently have in place? Has he has/is having any therapy input, it’s not a magic wand, and things can get worse before they get better but it does give him space to process things.

Do you have a sense of what’s causing things to worsen, by that I mean are there learning difficulties, FASD, difficulties with his sense of identity, rejection of you as his parents? If you have an idea of what it might be about it’s easier to identify appropriate supports for him.

Do you and your husband have access to support for yourselves from other adoptive parents, through therapy or other groups? It’s easy to end up very isolated, thinking it’s your fault or that you’ve failed. This age is so very difficult for adopted children and their parents, for many varied reasons.

Do your SW services know you’re seriously considering disruption? What are they suggesting as an alternative?

While that may well be devastating for your son (and I’m sure you know this), it would be equally devastating for you and your husband to be physically harmed by him with the consequent impact on you both and him. One option may be to look at the possibility of residential care where you maintain the parental relationship but he gets the professional support he needs - I don’t know how possible that is and I’d expect your LA to push back because that kind of placement isn’t cheap but it might give enough space for you all.

Given his age, I’d be starting those very hard conversations sooner rather than later, because assessment processes can take a while once he reaches 16 it becomes more tricky because technically he could live in a supported accommodation/after care type placement rather than in the therapeutic type place he needs. They will try to kick the can down the road in the hope that he ages out of some services, so you’ll need to fight all over again.

I’m sorry you’re in this position - I know it will have taken courage to be so honest about being at your limit here, hopefully some of our long term/parents who are past the teen years will have some wisdom for you.

[Trainham]

It is not an easy decision but sometimes you have done everything you can do and sometimes you come to the end of the road.a planned move will be better than an unplanned move and in theory if he does return to care he will get more support from services . Remember it is not your fault his early trauma will have impacted on his life
Make sure you look after yourself and keep yourself safe.

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

The Facebook group attachment disorder U.K. (parents/carers of children with AD) has several members who have had to put their children back into the care of the local authority.

There is also the potatogroup.co.uk (parents of traumatised adopted teens organisation) which is often mentioned when people discuss disruption with older children.

[Puppymamma]

Thank you so much for your reply, I am a member of the attachment group but I’ve never heard of the potato one I’ll check it out x

[Puppymamma]

We’ve all been thru therapy and he is still in it, he point blank refuses to engage at all. Of course if I wasn’t at the end of my tether I would never even consider this. We didn’t go into it blindly and I would consider myself as very well read on adoption and I also have personal experience.
im afraid I’m not willing to put my life or any of my family’s lives at risk from his behaviour so something has to change. I am now disabled and will not be able to defend myself if he directs his physical abuse towards me.

[Puppymamma]

Thank you 😊 x

[Puppymamma]

Thank you so much for your empathy it’s gratefully received 🥰
of course I don’t want to abandon him he’s everything to me but he’s miserable and so are we 😔 x

[Puppymamma]

I have replied to people but not sure if I’ve done it right ! I’m new on here 😬

[Puppymamma]

@Jellycatspyjamas

That sounds very hard, and I can only imagine how much distress you’re in to be thinking of disruption.

I agree it’s well beyond a bit of a parenting class, what support do you currently have in place? Has he has/is having any therapy input, it’s not a magic wand, and things can get worse before they get better but it does give him space to process things.

Do you have a sense of what’s causing things to worsen, by that I mean are there learning difficulties, FASD, difficulties with his sense of identity, rejection of you as his parents? If you have an idea of what it might be about it’s easier to identify appropriate supports for him.

Do you and your husband have access to support for yourselves from other adoptive parents, through therapy or other groups? It’s easy to end up very isolated, thinking it’s your fault or that you’ve failed. This age is so very difficult for adopted children and their parents, for many varied reasons.

Do your SW services know you’re seriously considering disruption? What are they suggesting as an alternative?

While that may well be devastating for your son (and I’m sure you know this), it would be equally devastating for you and your husband to be physically harmed by him with the consequent impact on you both and him. One option may be to look at the possibility of residential care where you maintain the parental relationship but he gets the professional support he needs - I don’t know how possible that is and I’d expect your LA to push back because that kind of placement isn’t cheap but it might give enough space for you all.

Given his age, I’d be starting those very hard conversations sooner rather than later, because assessment processes can take a while once he reaches 16 it becomes more tricky because technically he could live in a supported accommodation/after care type placement rather than in the therapeutic type place he needs. They will try to kick the can down the road in the hope that he ages out of some services, so you’ll need to fight all over again.

I’m sorry you’re in this position - I know it will have taken courage to be so honest about being at your limit here, hopefully some of our long term/parents who are past the teen years will have some wisdom for you.

Thank you so much for your reply it has helped us immensely. (My hubby also read it)
My husband and I had a serious conversation last night just to make sure we’re both on the same page and we also have the support of both sets of our parents, which is amazing. We have a holiday booked late august which I think will either kill or cure the relationship between us 3 so we’re not going to make any definite decisions until after that.
we have wondered about FASD as I have a friend who’s boy is affected by this. He has been diagnosed with Autism, adhd & attachment disorder and all the ‘usual’ techniques just don’t work for him. He has engaged with things before but I think he’s tired of trying new stuff just like us. Fingers crossed for august.
thank you again xx💖

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

As you're a member of the attachment group, are you familiar with Griff's and David Bingham's stories? Both had sons who went into residential care because they were no longer safe in a home environment due to the level of violence they were displaying. Despite this or maybe because of this, both men have managed to rebuild and maintain close and positive relationships with their boys.

Sometimes the best way to parent our children is from a distance with someone else doing the day to day heavy lifting while we concentrate on building a meaningful, connected relationship which will last long into the future.

[Puppymamma]

@ifchocolatewerecelery

As you're a member of the attachment group, are you familiar with Griff's and David Bingham's stories? Both had sons who went into residential care because they were no longer safe in a home environment due to the level of violence they were displaying. Despite this or maybe because of this, both men have managed to rebuild and maintain close and positive relationships with their boys.

Sometimes the best way to parent our children is from a distance with someone else doing the day to day heavy lifting while we concentrate on building a meaningful, connected relationship which will last long into the future.

Oh my goodness this sounds wonderful I will check it out 🥲🥹 thank you so much xx

[Puppymamma]

@Puppymamma

Oh my goodness this sounds wonderful I will check it out 🥲🥹 thank you so much xx

Do you think they would mind if I pm one of them ? X

[Jellycatspyjamas]

we have wondered about FASD as I have a friend who’s boy is affected by this. He has been diagnosed with Autism, adhd & attachment disorder and all the ‘usual’ techniques just don’t work for him.

If you suspect maternal alcohol use in pregnancy (or indeed know it was an issue) I’d certainly keep FASD in the frame - many children are profoundly affect but don’t show the “usual” physical characteristics. Adoption U.K. have excellent resources for parents, including a good support phone line, 1:1 support workers etc. You don’t need a diagnosis to access their support where FASD may be an issue - just an awareness that there may have been pre-birth exposure. They heavily publicise their service on Facebook so it’s worth having a look.

There’s a huge cross over in presentation with FASD, autism, ADHD and developmental trauma but different strategies are more effective for each so it’s worth looking at all the options.

I can tell you’re doing your best and have come to this point with so much care and consideration - there may be options other than full disruption but if you feel that’s the point you’re at, that’s the point you’re at. I wish you every good thing in your decision making, feel free to keep in touch if I can help.

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

@Puppymamma I'm pretty sure if you post in the attachment group other people will come forward with their stories, too.

There is a lot of stigma and shame around the idea of disrupting. I notice this particularly in the NATP group which is why I haven't mentioned them.

If you do post on a group and say that you've tried everything make sure that what you're asking for is the experiences of other people who've done this and that you're not looking for 'Have you tried NVR?' kind of responses.

[Puppymamma]

@ifchocolatewerecelery thanks again, I’ve just had an hour long video call with our support worker and she’s going to try some different therapy for him. 🤞🏻 this helps. She also reiterated some of the techniques that we’ve used but maybe forgotten. I think sometimes you feel like you’re stuck in this thick cloud and you forget techniques so I’m feeling a bit better having talked to her. 🙂

[Puppymamma]

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you, I will definitely keep that in mind and take a look at the resourses. I’ve just had an hour video call with our support worker and she’s offered some additional therapy for our Son. We’re gonna give this a good go before we go any further.
thank you so much for your compliment, it means a lot.😊

[Therapeutic70]

Can anyone signpost me to the David Bingham stories? I can’t seem to find anything. Thank you!

[ifchocolatewerecelery]

@Therapeutic70 are you are a member of the Facebook group Attachment disorder U.K. I mention in an early post? If so click on the search group function at the top of the page (it's a magnifying glass icon on my app in the green bar) type in his name and scroll down to a post from September 2019 and he recounts a short version of it there. His an admin of the group and will discuss aspects of his story in comments on others' posts if appropriate.

[Italiangreyhound]

Puppymamma I am so sorry to hear your situation.

I completely agree with Jellycatspyjamas if you really cannot go on (which I would totally understand) "...possibility of residential care where you maintain the parental relationship but he gets the professional support he need..."

There are lots of birth parents who also find care for their children incredibly difficult, there is no shame in admitting you cannot cope with a situation when you have done all you could do.

Please look after yourself and encourage your husband to do the same.