Age guilt and sadness

[3randomwords]

I recently - 4 weeks ago - adopted a 2 year old boy at the age of 49. I was so happy at first, and really, the boy is lovely, a real joy and I am so lucky. But in the last 3 to 4 days I've been taken over by a terrible guilt and sadness. I go to the park and see young mums with their children and I feel a horrid mixture of emotions. Firstly, I feel like I am too old for my son, and that I have deprived him of the opportunity to have a young vibrant mummy. I feel like I have been selfish, putting my desire for a child before his deserving of a more youthful mummy, (maybe I should have just accepted that I was not going to have a child?) and I feel like I am not good enough for him, he deserves so much more (as I said, he is gorgeous). His foster family are amazing too.
I don't know what to do with these thoughts, they seem to have taken up residence in my brain.
Not sure why I'm posting, or what anyone can do really. Just feeling blue.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi and welcome. I adopted my son at age 49 too. He was one year older than your son is.

I think it is normal to feel some degree of guilt in a kinds of situations as a parent! Maybe especially as a mum.

Please remember the social workers and matching team did not pick you because you wanted to be a mum. They chose you because you were the best match for your son.

So please don't feel like you have deprived him of someone better. You have not.

And please don't put that idea in his head.

He needs you to be strong for him, bond with him, cling to him. He needs to feel valued but also you need to value yourself as his mum. Xxxx

[Piratemam]

I think that no matter what, when you become a parent you find something to feel guilty about. That's parenting and it means you care!

But @Italiangreyhound is right, the matching panel decided you are the best parent for him! It sounds like you're doing an amazing job and bonding well already.

It's really hard because we do have to be strong and confident with our children but at least we can vent here.

Could it be helpful to talk to someone about post adoption anxiety?

[Mynamenotaccepted]

You are a young whippersnapper compared with me! I was 65 when our DD was placed with us age 3. Yes she has got complex health needs, she is now nearly 17 and we are now preparing for the rest of her life I think she has had a fun childhood
Please enjoy your son, have fun and remember a few ladies give birth in their late 40's.

[Ohfgsnotagain]

Hello, I hope it’s ok to reply to you because I’m neither an adopter or adoptee.

I am a mum aged 49 with a 3 year old though 😊. And he’s my biological child. I had my children aged 42,43 and 45 almost 46. I honestly don’t think anything of my age, I don’t consider myself an ‘old’ mum and I’ve never had anyone comment on my age. Having said that I am the mum playing on the slide or swing in the park and I’m the mum that’s running around the soft play and jumping on the trampoline so I think it’s more about mindset. We do more trips to the park, soft play, walks, days out than most parents we know.

Perhaps were lucky but many of the parents at my children’s school are older. I am one of three mums who a baby at 45.

Don't let your own stereotyping and insecurity of being an older mum get in the way of enjoying your child and having fun. In 10 years from now you’ll look back and think “I was only 49”.

[rosiethefemaleone]

Ah, I think everyone feels like this with a new baby- baby blues. If it's not that you're not young enough, it's that you're not old enough to have enough savings to buy a wooden rainbow, or that you're too fat to fit down the slide, or you're too thin to be a proper cuddly mummy, or, or or. Comparison is the thief of joy. It feels more pertinent in adoption, because for the first few months it feels a bit like we've been thrown together, this child and these parents, that it could have been so different- because it could. Matching is a strange experience. But you have been matched, and now you're together, you know this LO better than anyone else in the world. Even if FC had LO since birth, they don't know LO like you do, because you've been through the move and loss this time together.

We're all imperfect. Your child doesn't want a different mum. You're LO's mum, and a whole panel of people could see you were the best mum on offer for him.

If this feeling persists, then it could be post-adoption depression, and please see your GP. But if it's normal 'baby blues' it will pass. You're doing brilliantly, the early days are so hard.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

You were matched with your child, a panel of people thought you could meet his needs - that the skills and qualities you have would be enough, and they knew your age at the time.

I know that feeling of guilt about taking a child from a foster placement and all the disruption that brings, but you can offer long term love, safety and security - that’s a huge thing to give a child and isn’t at all age dependent. I can only speak for myself but as an older adoptive mum I am in a place where I can step back from my career to give my kids time, that wouldn’t have been the case if I were younger. I’m more settled in my own skin, more able to regulate my own emotions and understand myself better than I did when I was younger. I’m more resilient and more assertive, and more able to represent their needs with other professionals. I’m a different mum than I would have been as a younger woman and my kids reap the benefits of that.

Recognise you’re going through a huge transition and second thoughts can take all shapes and sizes, guilt and second guessing are all part of that.

[WhoopItUp]

I can relate to this. I was a little younger than you when I adopted but I really worry about my age. My DC started school last year and there are quite a few older parents (which was a surprise to me). The others have offered good advice that I won’t repeat but you’re certainly not alone in feeling this way.

[3randomwords]

Thank you for your replies, everyone, you are so kind. Your comments are so thoughtful and I am so grateful for them. I felt very anxious yesterday. These feelings have taken me by surprise. I do wonder why we were matched with him. Apparently there was a lot of interest and I can't stop myself thinking that I have deprived him of the chance to have better, younger parents. My husband says they are just thoughts and I should ignore them, but they are being persistent.

@Italiangreyhound I won't say anything to him about these thoughts, and I do try to be 'jolly' with him, but I have to admit I've found it hard these last few days.

@Mynamenotaccepted So, are you 79 now? If you don't mind me asking, how are you finding it? Do you worry about it? Do you try to stay fit or do anything special to stay healthy? Sorry, these questions are a bit clumsy, and probably show my state of mind at the moment.

I seem to be finding lots of reasons why I'm not good enough for him, or wondering if I should tell the sw that he needs someone better than me? ( DH would kill me!) Sorry for the offload, hopefully this will pass....thanks everyone.

[MrsMatty]

I am an adoptee. My mum and dad were 46 and 49 when they adopted me as a tiny baby, and honestly they were fabulous parents, always great fun and nothing was too much trouble (though I was never spoiled!) You talk about a younger, better mum but honestly, age in years has nothing to do with it. As others have said, SWs chose you as you were the best match for your child which is how it should be. My parents gave me security and stability and a wonderful childhood. It didn’t matter at all about their ages - they were my mum and dad and I loved them to bits. Go easy on yourself, take care xx

[Mynamenotaccepted]

3randomwords no worries, I am 79 in a couple of months (yikes it looks terrifying written down) It is hard work and now she is nearly 17 we are looking for a long term placement for her. We have other adopted SN , so we were known to various SS's. I think they were desperate to find her a family, as she has complex medical needs and we were the only suitable ones. I am lucky as I am healthy and quite active. I have several friends in their 70's who have done the same thing and still caring.
Totally agree with MrsMatty you were chosen because you were the BEST

[scully29]

I think mum guilt is inevitable and as parents we will feel guilty about stuff all the time, because we want the absolute best for them and all we want for them isnt doable all the time. Like I say, I worry about all things all of the time. Thats being a mum and my own mum says it doesnt stop when they grow up. Younger doesnt mean better and the young mums will be worrying about other things.
I do think getting support with these worries is so key and you shouldnt ignore them no - Im 2 months in to adopting a nearly 2 year old (and have two older kids) and its an emotional wirlwind of worries especially when the foster family was good. I think it really helps to chat to others who understand, so if you can meet other adopters it would be positive, try the community groups in Adoption UK maybe? And even just nattering to other mums at the groups etc helps because everyone is pretty much finding it hard. I totally know what you mean and I think my own 'imposter feeling' of not being good enough is starting to pass the more I go out in the world as her mum, and are seen as her mum etc. I think time will help you. I also think getting support from the GP is helpful, recognising the impact this has on you, thinking about post adoption depression (Adoption UK have a great webinar on this is you havent seen it) and making sure you get some time yourself is really important.
Im not quite as old as you but feel very old and have lots of ways you can provide full on fun without using too much of your own energy - have you taken up musical bumps for example - you be the dj and have them play, also sleeping bunnies is good for that. And best buy ever here is our trampoline, if you have space they are amazing for lying down on while getting amazing kid fun jumping all over us, hours and hours and hours of entertainment that is fun fun without being too tiring. Also you can lie down in the ball pool at soft play etc, being a mum is being tired and its ok to embrace it.
You will be the absolute best mum for your wee one, you've literally already shown it by worrying you aren't enough. You will be and you will have different skills that I bet are wonderful for him - snuggling on the sofa with books is another favourite of mine. It may be helpful to think of your skills or interests and build on them with your child for fun? For example, I like going to a cafe for cake so have found a super fun child friendly cafe where we can have a fun cake time together etc, cake is always fun I think? Embrace what you enjoy/are good at. For example my husband hates small world play - playing dolls/ponies/cars etc but Im ok at that, lying on the floor and playing and playing, whereas Im too tried to be fun at the park but he can do that really well, so tag team what your good at where you can if you see what I mean.
Also toddler yoga is amazing if you can find a class in your area or if not, try it online, cosmic yoga but the classes are more fun and really wear out the children without wearing out the parents. Also when they start school/nursery they are exhasuted anyway so dont need the same level if fun dont worry, they will come home and want to snuggle with you.
Also, congratulations on your wee one!

[Kitkatcrunchie]

Completely agree with what has been said above from lots of lovely, knowledgeable posters.
We're 6 months in with a 3 year old and she is full of beans. No matter how fit and young someone is, I don't think you can expect to keep up with their boundless toddler energy.
I also found it overwhelming at times adopting a slightly older child, as they can already move about and forming their own selves and I found (still find at times) that I can feel overwhelmed with helping her with the areas she's behind in or just hasn't experienced yet, especially with covid. As someone else said, parent guilt kicks in, especially adopting I think, you know what they've gone through and want to be able to give them everything you can. @MrsMatty said it beautifully - you can provide that loving, stable upbringing he needs. Age wise we all have different things to offer, younger doesn't necessarily mean fitter or better!
You are early days in, as are we, its natural to wobble. As your relationship builds, you'll see his love grow and how much he loves being with you and then you can start to recognise and start to believe there is no way anyone else would ever be better for him than you are.
You've got this!

[3randomwords]

I can't believe how lovely, kind and supportive everyone is. Thank you all so much. I really appreciate it. You all have so much empathy and wisdom and I feel so glad that I posted ( I ummed and arred for ages). It has been so helpful reading these replies.
You're right, I need to realise that my DH and I were chosen because we were seen as the most suitable for him, and I must remember my good points ( I do have some, I think!)
I must remember to enjoy this, too, and not spoil it with unnecessary worry.
@MrsMatty it was so heartwarming to hear your perspective, it really means a lot.
@scully29 I will check out the webinar on post adoption depression - thanks for the signpost. Also, is the trampoline you bought indoors or outdoors?

After having an unsettled morning emotion wise, I felt better this afternoon and feel calmer now. Hopefully the worst is over, but I imagine it might be up and down for a while.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me. You really have helped me to feel so much better, and to see things from a different perspective.

[scully29]

Yes, it will definitely be ups and downs all the way, but in time the ups will outweigh the downs.
one thing a previous posters comment mentioned is 'you got this' - I bought myself a bracelet from etsy called 'mama you got this' just before intros and Im still wearing it, to remind me! Its so so tough.
I think its really really good youve asked for help here, its just so helpful to hear from others who can relate to what your going through. Adoption UK also have regular early days zoom meet ups which may be helpful for you too?
Our trampoline is amazing, literally every day they will bounce as much as they are allowed! Its an outdoor one but if you dont have space outdoors see if you can get an indoor one - Id say getting an indoor and outdoor one is probably worth it even! Or find a place thats fun that has a trampoline in it - trampoline parks etc maybe? They use up so much energy.

[Italiangreyhound]

@3randomwords "I do wonder why we were matched with him. Apparently there was a lot of interest and I can't stop myself thinking that I have deprived him of the chance to have better, younger parents. My husband says they are just thoughts and I should ignore them, but they are being persistent."

There was a lot of interest for my son too. I am pleased because I am pretty sure that some of those interests would not have worked out (I know the people). Social workers did say that the issues we had had with our birth child were things that may help our adopted son.

Maybe you were picked because you are caring and kind, thoughtful, I don't know but there will be reasons. There will be things that you can give your little one, and your husband can too, which he may need in the future.

If these feelings persist, do talk yo someone, but remember that your fears (although very real to you) are not the reality of the situation for your son.

"Italiangreyhound I won't say anything to him about these thoughts, and I do try to be 'jolly' with him, but I have to admit I've found it hard these last few days."

You do not need to be jolly all the time but just do not articulate the fears to your son. My birth child went through phase of asking me to leave, saying I wasn't the real mum etc, (when little). We are now closer than ever. I was careful not to argue, can't argue into believing I cared etc but trying to show and say how much I cared, if that makes sense.

Likewise, my adopted son (now 12) is saying that my older child is the favourite (they both say the other is the favorite!). I cannot argue him into not believing that that is not true, but again, I am trying to show him how much I care and how much he means to me!

I hope that makes sense.

For me, it is very useful to feel confident that I am the best parent for my kids, either birth or adopted, and then to try and live up to that! If that makes sense.

Please believe in you.