Letter box woes!

[Weatherforducks]

We really are committed to letterbox and really do want to preserve those links to birth family (until children are old enough to say otherwise or circumstances dictate), but goodness, they are not making it easy! We took a great deal of care picking the month we would write (avoiding birthdays/Christmas/significant dates), and it just seems like such a waste of headspace now. They were two months late setting us up for letterbox anyway and then since sending the letters off, it has taken more than a quarter of a year to get to their intended destinations! I know all of the agencies are under pressure and have recently changed structure - but over a quarter of a year late? I just feel that it may erode any potential trust between adopters and birth family for no good reason. And for them to finally arrive just before Christmas...

[jellycatspyjamas]

As a SW I would have been delighted to be able to pass on those mementos to the adopters - I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t allow that, children love sifting through their baby bits and it’s a really tangible way of doing life story work.

[ClArabelle67]

I asked to pass them on, and was refused by the LA. I’d love for the AP’s to have them; they are absolutely best placed to know when is appropriate to share them as part of life story work. ( and also from an emotional, connectedness point of view ). What good are they doing in a box under my bed? Same with the photos of their early years... they are here physically and in a cloud folder, but I think it would have been so helpful for the APs and the little ones to have these.. to be able to sit together with the AP and ensure the narrative to accompany those photos showed that they were loved, and safe, and protected. As it is I simply do t know what to write in the photo album because I want the narrative to dovetail so that the little ones come away with a sense of ..peace, or completeness I guess?

I mentioned in my last letter to them how regretful it was that no parallel planning happened so they they could have gone from me to them directly. This system I should flawed, as we’ve all acknowledged. i’m not ready to give up hope yet. I’ll wait and see what the APs say in their next letter and maybe I can pass on the box. 🙏🏻

[jellycatspyjamas]

( I, too have a memory box; hospital wrist bands, first blankets, first soft toys, etc).

Honestly, I would have lived to have those things - my DC have very little in the way of those kinds of memories, I don’t think I even have a baby photo of my DD. What a lovely thing to be able to pass on.

[ClArabelle67]

@OurChristmasMiracle, I was t given the opportunity to meet the adopters and negotiate a contact agreement. Mine is pretty standard I think - letters twice a year with photos ( or rather photocopies of photos). I haven’t been told I can pass on photos, but to be honest I’m not sure about that one ( here’s a photo of Nanny looking happy without you? ) I guess I could ask the person charged with dealing with my will to keep the stuff ( I, too have a memory box; hospital wrist bands, first blankets, first soft toys, etc). My GC are still the main receiptents in my will/pensions/life insurance, etc, so I guess I’ll need to get advice on that one. I’m not sure if that’s even allowed given legally were disconnected. It’s such a minefield. You’re doing amazingly well and sound like you’ve got your head round this way more than me.

[OurChristmasMiracle]

I have a memory box in which I keep photos of myself throughout the years as I now have stopped sending photos- mainly because our son isn’t involved in contact so I don’t see any reason to send photos. I also keep Xmas and birthday cards and my partner and best friend are aware of what to do with this information should anything happen to me. I’ve also kept every letter I’ve sent and every letter I have received as well as drawings and picture. I also printed out a couple of things I’ve written and the email i sent to my sons father when he wished to contest.

I will not be sending this information until my son is an adult.

Honestly there was no boundaries written around what I could write in contact, however there was around photos and the understanding was that should my photos be shared with ANYONE other than our son then photos would no longer be sent. Should they share them on any type of social media or in any school project they were aware that any medical information would also be withdrawn as it is My confidential information.

[ClArabelle67]

I didn’t mean write to them directly, but to pen letters to them for the APs to either keep for later or to share with them. Do any of you have later life letters from family members or were yours written by the SW?
@jellycat, yes, that’s a good idea. I think there are a few family finding organisations that will keep a letter/photos on file for adopted adults as well. I won’t be here anymore when they turn 18, so maybe one of those sites is a better option for me.

[jellycatspyjamas]

Letterbox contact us between adults, I wouldn’t pass on letters addressed to my children until they are adults and have the capacity to choose and strategies to cope with contact from their birth family. They will have access to all of the letters that form part of letterbox when they are older. I’d consider birth family writing directly to my children as a breach of boundaries because it’s not the agreement we made around contact.

There’s no reason why you couldn’t write the letters and keep them in a safe place to share with them if they make contact when they are older?

[defaultusername]

Letterbox is between adults.

[ClArabelle67]

APs on this thread, can I ask you a question? Do you let BPs/BFs write letters to your little ones or are the letters dialogue purely between the adults? I would love to be able to send little letters for them. And do any of you have contact with BFs other than BMs/BFs? I’m just wondering if my situation is unusual.

[ClArabelle67]

@OurChristmasMiracle. I’m sorry to hear that, and it sounds pretty familiar. According to My LA I wasn’t impacted at all. My siblings and mother died during the whole process and when I asked to postpone a meeting due 4 days after my mother’s death they engaged their lawyers and accused me of being obstructive and not committed. I think most PAC sites are set up for adopters, despite legislation stating birth families are entitled to counselling. My experience was that even when the judge shouted at them, demanding they fulfil a number of their statutory duties they still didn’t. They system is not fit for purpose.

[OurChristmasMiracle]

In regards to support with contact and the writing of letters there just is none. I was told I wasn’t permitted to call myself mum or to tell my son I miss him but I love you was fine and left to get on with it.

I was fortunate in that I did manage to get some counselling through the LA but that was only because my solicitor pushed for it and reminded them of their legal duty of care to birth parents. I did manage with the help of the counsellor to have the session extended but originally they offered just 8 sessions and That was only extended once. I understand they are underfunded but there was no information about PAC I had to look and find that myself and they didn’t even point me in the direction of IAPT or grief counselling (I lost my mum to cancer just 15 days post placement order)

I managed to seek and attend specialist counselling for one issue and then did access grief counselling followed by psychotherapy which was provided by the charity which housed me but without that there would have been absolutely nothing. I also found on our LA website there is 2 organisations listed as support for birth parents which are in fact when you look them up solely for adopters and adoptees and they don’t provide support to birth parents.

[ClArabelle67]

@darkriver19886 and @Weatherforducks, I’m so sorry to hear of your experiences, but also heartened by your proactive approach. Our pac as recently changed to bring together 9 London boroughs adoption services on the premise of efficiency. I only knew about this in passing. They have 2 part timers for 9 boroughs and it seems they are a spending a day a week in each borough, rather than in a central office. How that’s an efficiency is beyond me comprehension.
I spoke to the head of service recently as their new shiny website it’s solely aimed at prospective adopters. Her feedback was ‘ what are your suggestions for improvement’. MY response was ‘ fulfill your statutory duties’. I won’t hold my breath for the changes.

[ClArabelle67]

Yes, I’m aware. And they are thrown in to a system that is risk adverse and underfunded, with no appropriate counselling or support when facing dealing with horrendously difficult decisions and often harrowing outcomes, leaving many young social workers feeling impotent, disheartened and quitting, despite their potential.
The change from school inspectors being ‘supportive friends’. To the previous and current OFSTED system has parallels and is something I personally witnessed. I’ve spent many hours with School management teams around these issues. I also failed an ofsted inspector at her MA and remain justified in that.

[jellycatspyjamas]

Of course there’s always an element in SW were staff are young/ inexperienced or just bloody minded.

Always, but we used to have time and space to train, support and mentor young and inexperienced SWs. In many places now you’re lucky to not just be handed a case load at graduation...

[ClArabelle67]

@Ted27, it sounds like you’ve been really open and done all you can, and will continue to support your boy. As you said, autism has its upsides ( and I’ve often thought this with my girl)... it’s heartbreaking for you but you your boy will be more pragmatic about it all due to his diagnosis, and you are there beside him to cradle him. Much power to you x

[ClArabelle67]

@jellycatspyjamas, I’m with 100% in that reasoning. Given the current climate even the police/nurses, etc aren’t given the credit and support they deserve; my local,police force has been cut from 21 per shift to 7. the SWs conference research paper from last( ?) year saying so many feel ethically and professionally compromised purely due to resource allocations... the legislation is there for early intervention but the resources aren’t, and therefore SWs are left firefighting. Of course there’s always an element in SW were staff are young/ inexperienced or just bloody minded. It would be great if there was an MP/ member of the commons/lords to really advocate for families and the professionals and appropriate budget allocations, but that’s not happening and unlikely to under our current climate. I guess as someone else said, we just plod on individually and hope to make a difference.....

[jellycatspyjamas]

I do wonder how the situation will be when this generation of children become adults and how many of them will feel about the system.

I imagine not too differently to those many adults who have been through the system already tbh - this isn’t by any means a new issue and in many ways has improved over time as research and knowledge has improved (which is a scary thought given the challenges that we all know all too well). I don’t think there’s much, if any support given to birth parents following permanent removal - it’s certainly not easy to access . You’d made the comment about LAs feeling they’ve given a couple a child and so have done their bit (or something similar). I think the same applies to birth parents in that they’ve removed the child to a safe home, there’s no further risk to that child and no further role for services. I’m not saying for a second I agree with that stance but I think it’s pervasive across statutory services.

In all honesty unless social work services are appropriately funded and resources things aren’t going to change, and no one wants to fund social work services because that doesn’t win votes. We’re not valued in the way nurses or teachers are, not seen as necessary in the way police are - literally no one wants to strengthen social work, which is a shame because there’s so much incredible work that could be done if we weren’t constantly fire fighting. And costs would lessen in the long run if vulnerable families had proper, ongoing work to support their parenting and wider issues.

[Ted27]

@CIArabelle67

He has too many of his own problems and struggles with mental health. My son knows I tried my best and that I have never stood in the way of contact. He knows his dad is free to call, email, and even visit us at our home. The day is coming soon that my son will want to ask his own questions of his dad - I don't think he will get any answers. I'll be there to pick up the pieces as usual.

[ClArabelle67]

That’s heartbreaking @Ted27. It makes me wonder what, if any, post adoption support and counselling the BF was given or if he simply wasn’t committed himself to continuing contact.

@jellycatspyjamas, I understand that decisions re contact are more nuanced than just the consideration of harm, and at the same time I’m concerned that the courts and the LAs apply blanket practices based on resources rather than the child’s best interests.

I do wonder how the situation will be when this generation of children become adults and how many of them will feel about the system.

[Ted27]

I was left pretty much to my own devices after the first meeting with my son's dad. We get along OK, he is not a risk.
From my experience, where it has gone 'wrong' is that for a variety of reasons he just cannot sustain it.
I have bent over backwards to enable him to see his son, but he very often just didn't turn up. I couldn't continue with it, I found it incredibly stressful and of course my son's confusion and disappointment was crushing

[jellycatspyjamas]

It sounds like in @defaultusername case the LA would have considered direct contact too risky.
It’s not always about risk tbh, direct contact isn’t the norm in many areas for reasons around establishing the child’s new family, recognising the change in legal status, vulnerability of the birth family and supporting them to adjust to their loss - there are usually many factors to consider which won’t be shared with adopters or with birth families depending on what those issues are because both sides deserve privacy around their personal circumstances. It’s difficult to balance all of the competing needs and legal processes to everyone’s satisfaction but where I am no direct contact is the norm with letterbox the usual default but direct contact is managed via the local authority to ensure all sides keep appropriate boundaries.

Having seen the fall out of what can happen when we’ll meaning private arrangements go wrong, I’d always support working with the local authority/placing agency because it gives all parties a measure of distance and gives some protection for all concerned.

[ClArabelle67]

@defaultusername, you’re aware you are entitled to see your little ones file? That should give you access to child protection meeting minutes, assessments, permanence record and a copy of the judgement. Sounds to me your LA have been less than transparent and have taken a blanket approach to contact. Of course it’s likely that the records are well below the expected standards ( according to the research).

Have you discussed setting up a separate email for letterbox with the BPs? It’s not something the LA can prohibit you from suggesting if you and the BPs are comfortable with it? Maybe the coram legal advice line could offer some guidance?

Re funding - I’ve read some research that states LAs often take the approach of ‘ were giving you a child, be grateful, get on with it’. Appalling.

[OurChristmasMiracle]

Personally unless there was an intermediary agency as a birth parent I would be concerned about my privacy and how it would be handled. Firstly how would letters be exchanged?- I’d be happy with a email address being shared with them but I would never share my home address- for 2 reasons- firstly I don’t think it’s in our sons best interests to have access to that and just turn up, I feel this is done best with counselling and support for all involved and secondly I have to consider that these people although are my sons parents are strangers to myself and as such I have to protect myself.

As a birth parent I am fully aware that the system in place is completely unfit for purpose and puts enough stress on all involved- and this is why I don’t find it surprising that letterbox does indeed breakdown.

[defaultusername]

It sounds like in @defaultusername case the LA would have considered direct contact too risky.

No, I don't think so. It was a standard form at placement, looked like the form they use for everyone, saying we agree not to contact BPs privately, or allow them contact with the children. These are 'low risk' BPs, we are told by the LA. The LA communication of risk has been all over the place, and wildly inconsistent, though. Hilarious that you think the LA would pay for anything. Bloods and stones.

I agree direct contact may upset BPs, though, and wouldn't do it for that reason. I do think an external, private, mediator outside the LA could be better, as the LA are terrible, have been terrible to them, and to us. I hope the BPs respect that we haven't contacted outside the LA if they consider contacting DC before 18, too, but I worry they won't.

[ClArabelle67]

@jellycatspyjamas, I agree. It sounds like in @defaultusername case the LA would have considered direct contact too risky. As that was the advice at placement stage, and the LA would have PR, then I understand them explaining the consequences. Perhaps I misread the post as was left a bit confused as to how their could even have been a possibility of non mediated/ direct contact between the adopters and the BF.