Stopping Letterbox Contact?

[SugarPlumLairy]

Since she was 5 my daughter has been very vocal that she DOESN'T want any letters from birth parents, she doesn't want to read them, she won't write, she doesn't want me to tell them about her and absolutely NO photos. I respect that.

The birth parents letters aren't great. The Birth father is sporadic, often nothing at all. The birth mum is ....😕Not good. Just a list of personal questions followed by instructions on who to be. Honestly I don't blame kiddo at all for wanting to ignore.

The first few years I sent thoughtful updates and asked if there was anything they'd like kiddo to know about them or her early months. They never shared anything personal. Nothing. They are strangers to us, other than what we were told during the adoption process.

We know my daughters siblings from same birth mum and they have had a horrible time with contact, really nasty mind games as soon as kids engaged themselves (not mum writing).

In light of that I am even more resolved in respecting my daughters wishes, especially as she has additional needs including anxiety.

Today we received a letter from the Letterbox office asking if we are aware of the 2002 children's act and do we understand letterbox contact, why hasn't there been any. I've told them it distresses my daughter, that whilst we will keep any letters we received for her and accommodate any request she makes in future to reinstate contact, we don't feel this is beneficial to her (she is 10).

Surely they can't enforce letterbox contact can they? has anyone had any experience of this?

[Boomchicawowow]

I was just about to fire off an angry email to MNHQ for deleting my post but not his! Thanks for being mature and reporting ladies, it’s what I should have done in the first place

[darkriver198868]

Also reported.

[donquixotedelamancha]

How do you know that there are no Quotas ? You seem to speak with some kind of authority thats all ....suggesting some kind of inside knowledge!!

I've reported this obvious troll. Suggest we all do the same and avoid feeding.

[Boomchicawowow]

Cannyavantastic- there is so much wrong with your post I don’t even know where to begin. In fact I don’t even have the energy to even begin trying to educate you so I will simply agree with DarkRiver!

[donquixotedelamancha]

@darkriver198868 Very very well said.

[darkriver198868]

I am aware that Local Authoritys do tell reluctant adopters that the letterbox contact is just a formality and just to go through the motions so that they can get the kids of their books and hit their monthly quotas.

Also there is NO quotas. Social Workers do not get bonuses for adopting children.

[darkriver198868]

Welcome @Cannyavantastic This is an old post and you might be better suited in creating a seperate thread.

However, I will begin by saying that I am a birth mum whos children have been adopted. This paragraph below concerns me greatly

There was a post on there that reported on her daughters recent graduation from university which I forwarded to all of my partners relatives who all knew about the adoption. However,due to us both being computer semi illiterate we did not know that her daughter would be alerted that we had done this.

This wasnt your information to share. Regardless if her profile was public or not. I can perfectly understand why your partners daughter was upset.

As birth parents we have to walk a very fine line. Your entire attitude to adopters isnt helpful and will not likely improve anything.

[CertainHalfDesertedStreets]

Would your daughter understand if you told her that it might cause trouble if the letters stopped?

Don't do that! It's not true and it's anxiety inducing.

I think you should respect her wishes but make it clear that the door is open should she change her mind.

[SugarPlumLairy]

The LA that dealt with the adoption were ....sloppy to say the least. We had to kick off to protect us and our DD at the very beginning. It seems they thought everyone had rights except DD and us. Even foster carers wanting to "borrow"DD" because she was so cute they wanted her to go back for a week so she could attend their holiday to a family wedding abroad! I kid you not !

The older siblings are involved in letterbox with parental involvement. BM just lies and hurts them and the SW say, oh that's just the way she is😒🙄
Well... guess this is just the way I am because I'm not putting up with toxicity just because there is shared DNA.

I really appreciate being able to vent here and all the thoughtful responses, thank you. As all I've heard from letterbox office is "sirrywe didn't sign letter ' I am writing off any further involvement unless anything new comes up. Thank you all xx

[OVienna]

I am not sure I would invest too much time in this OP beyond finding out what triggered the letter, the intentions of the Letterbox people for the future, and leaving the door open with very, very bland letters.

I am coming at this from the perspective of an adopted person (closed), by the way. I understand the arguments for open adoption and have searched myself.

But I think there is a more fundamental question here around how much energy you should be expected to spend on a toxic person. This is also a lesson for your daughter - she has the right to draw boundaries for herself. She's telling you she wants to do that. It's not for capricious reasons. I think it's really important that she feels you are respecting these feelings, regardless of whether for other practical or legal reasons the outcome is not exactly as she would choose now (i.e. no letters at all.) I wouldn't use language like 'benefits' of contact, at least at this stage.

Anyway - sorry if I'm a bit too invested in this.

[didyousayspinach]

If this happened at the outset, I am not sure that the sw's views on letterbox would change now, would they?

I think it sounds like you would like to do the right thing, and I think it might help for you to speak to someone in real life who has professional experience of letterbox to talk about what benefit your dc might get, now and in the future, and how to manage it with her. Also how it is managed with the siblings and how this impacts on your dc, because from what you have written it sounds like children are writing direct to their bm requesting information to get "closure" which doesn't sound entirely appropriate. It really shoudl be the adults handling the communication and the issues.

In relation to the influence of your dc's bm, you are in a position to help your daughter to understand and also to help it to be a positive experience, because you are in control on what information is passed on and when.

Best of luck to you and your dc.

[SugarPlumLairy]

Me too OVienna, me too.

[OVienna]

That's just awful. I hope that the Letterbox people back right off.

[SugarPlumLairy]

DidYouSaySpinach, that goes back to not being reliable at providing medical information.
DD has a variety of additional needs and at the early stages, whilst trying to find out a medical history, do testing/assessment etc BM was contacted and said that basically it's because DD is inbred.

The story changed so dramatically between how/who/were etc. that although SW's took it seriously at first it became clear that she was messing about. Eventually BM said people get worked up over nothing, she just wanted to see what people would do, wasn't it funny, she could write films and habloody ha etc. 😒😡

It's always mindgames,

[Italiangreyhound]

OP she sounds terrible. How awful for you.

're " There will be no additional info or photos beyond "kiddo continues to be happy and healthy" no details. We just don't need the drama." If you are backed into a corner that sounds like a good compromise.

Just to say, in our situation, letterbox was presented to us as being beteen us and birth parents. So we never show ds the letters. He knows we write but shows no interest in birth family. We drip in bits of info.

The letters have been fairly consistent but when they did stop I was very glad I had not told ds much (they started again about a year later).

We keep copies of what we send. We are lucky our son's birth family appear quite normal/kind etc. Of course we do not know full story. But nothing you have experienced, OP.


[Lovebehindthefool]

I totally respect what you are teaching your daughter. I was just thinking that sometimes in life it is better to “play the game” to win. That sounds awful doesn’t it! But I’ve had to do a lot of it recently (not adoption related!).
I wasn’t sure how to approach the 5pages of questions. How would you? They were pretty harmless questions and bf does have a learning difficulty so I think it is more his inability to understand the impact of his letter.

[didyousayspinach]

OP how do you know all that, about the claim about your dc's conception being proved false etc?

[OurMiracle1106]

sugarplum I’m a birth parent and imo I agree from what you have written that BM doesn’t have your DDs interests at heart.

It’s BP like her that make my life as a BM so much more difficult and this makes me angry.