HELP HELP HELP

[Jammydodger1234]

Hi I'm looking for help, me 21 and my partner 22 have been together since the age of fifteen we have bought our home have one beautiful little girl 2 and a dog Bull mastiff 6. We have stable jobs and will be buying a business in a couple of months. That's our background.

Now we have always wanted to adopt a child not because of medical issues we just feel there's children in the world who need a happy home. We are wanting to adopt a little girl the same age as our daughter.

However we don't have a clue where to start. Can someone please help. We are wanting to foster for a year or so and then adopt the child as our own...

I have so many questions
. What I'd the parents wants the child back
. Who do we even talk to about this is there one big adoption agency or lots of little ones if so who are they are they good ect ect...
. How hard is it for this age
. How long does the process take
. Do you love then like your own

Please I can't think of stuff of the top of my head any other insight would be appreciated.. Thank you

[Purplemac]

As PP's have said, I think you are coming from a good place but you need to do a lot more research first (which is why you posted here, that's a good thing!). If a social worker came to your house today and you said half the things you have said on here, they would not look to recruit you as a potential adopter. Two things that really stuck out for me (besides the lack of understanding of just how demanding and time consuming an adopted child might be and how they need a parent at home for a long time), is firstly that you just want a sibling for your child - a social worker would question why that is? And secondly, that you want to rescue a child - that is not what adoption is!! Adopted children come from the care system, they have already been "rescued" long before they are adopted (if that's a phrase you'd even want to use for such a traumatising event).

Your assertion that it is something you will definitely be doing is naive. If your social worker does not think you can do it then you won't (and it is a very lengthy, intrusive process with lots of training and preparation and PLENTY of opportunities to slip up, say something stupid and be struck off as potential adopters because the social worker doesn't think you're right for it).

I don't mean to sound negative. If it is something you really want to do, then do lots of research on attachment and trauma and therapeutic parenting and if you decide it is something you really do want to do then get in touch with a LA or VA and start the process. I really do wish you all the best with it!

[Mrscollydog]

Hi there,
I have a birth son of 9 and and adopted daughter of nearly three. On paper our youngest should have been "easy" to place. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I felt well prepared! I had read every book on attachment and adoptive parenting I could get my hands on. She was soooo anxious all the time and actively disliked me for many months. It took a good 9-10 months for things to feel normal. I back at work but part time, she has 2 days in a very small and supportive nursery and I have only just started to leave her with friends for an hour or two and that's 18 months post placement. I love her equally as my birth son they are the light of my life but adoption was without doubt 100% harder than the "normal" route (and that was pretty horrid hence why no more birth children). It sounds as though you have such a lot to offer but try not to underestimate the difference to having a birth child. Our daughter definitely has a wound from what has happened to her, certain things open it up again. Alas its not just a case of pretending nothing has happened to them.
Just read and read and read, chat with adopters, watch the programmes.
If you are committed to adopting then with the right knowledge and attitude you can make it happen. The assessing social workers can be tough and you do need to say what they want to hear.
Good luck.

[Jammydodger1234]

I guess I need to go and research a lot thank you all so muchxxxx

[Allington]

This is a good thread for starting to think about what challenges adoption might bring:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/2046566-Adoption-on-Television-Links-to-all-available-past-programs?msgid=70731868#70731868

I recommend starting with:
The Lost Children Of Trauma
Panorama: The Truth About Adoption - Protecting our Children
Britain's broken families
15,000 kids and counting
for more of a perspective on modern adoption.

Then for some of the science behind how early neglect and abuse has a long lasting effect on the brain (but made for non-scientists!) . That gives a whole lot of other suggestions on youtube on attachment and similar issues.

[Allington]

ooops - Panorama and Protecting Our Children are separate links

[HorridHenrietta23]

Nothing to add to the actual post but I just wanted to say that I'm a closet adoption boards groupie and THIS is why. I love the way you are all so positive and supportive with each other. A different set of people could have given you a hard time op but I love the way people have been balanced and helpful instead.
Sending to you all.

[tictoc76]

I Think all of us adopters were probably naive when we first starting thinking about adopting so don't take that too negatively.

An adopted child will be much more demanding emotionally and will need to form a good attachment before using any childcare really, it is hard and sometimes it will drive you crazy but it will be worth it. I also had a 2 year old birth child when we first looked at adopting and all the negativity drove me crazy but I took 3 months off for my birth child and 14 months for my first adoption. My daughter needed every day of that 14 months and honestly would probably have benefitted from more but I needed to work and the mortgage had to be paid.

I think someone has already said this but there are a lot of adopters in the system and especially ones that want to adopt a 0-2 year old so make sure you educate yourself on what social workers want and why.

The age gap is actually a good thing - siblings can be competitive at the best of times and having 2 kids the same age with one with a stronger genetic heritage you could potentially be setting yourselves and your adopted child up for a very hard time. My son was 3 when my daughter came home at 12 months. When she was 3 our next son came home at 8 months. We also adopted another shortly later. All have a fantastic relationship but our adopted kids had a very different time settling into our family than our birth son and I wouldn't dream of taking them to work. I don't know how it has been with your birth child but I know for me I used to work with my son sitting next to me - with the arrival of number 2 that just didn't work anymore - 2 children is just not as calm as 1 - however adopting is the best thing we have even done.

Feel free to ask me any questions you want - happy to share my experiences if it helps

[tictoc76]

Should have added we were told repeatedly that we would not get a young child but adopted ours at 12 months, 8 months and 11 weeks old

[Italiangreyhound]

Ethad please can you link to the thread about programmes on adoption.

[Italiangreyhound]

Ah ha, I see that it is there. I loved watching Love is not enough. I decided I was interested in adoption in my twenties and finally adopted at 49! (Lots happened in between!)

I've honestly found these boards to be the most supportive and positive, and informative, on adoption.

Jammy we first asked about adoption when dd was under 2 and were told to wait, we had a lot of treatment and finally adopted when dd was 9. There are almost six years between our kids. I love them equally but they are very different.

Ironically, our birth dd is harder work than our adopted ds, but this is quite rare I think.

Good luck.

[fasparent]

Well after 8 failed links as from yesterday DS is now ours forever , Age don't count LOVE does . Think he would agree. XXX