So how many of us wonder if we're really good enough?

[Kewcumber]

I mean we all say how often adoptive parents are blamed for the problems their children have and we always make such of point of telling each other that we're doing our best etc etc.

But I wonder how many of us really feel inadequate and wonder if we really have done enough, if we haven't really contributed to the problems?

DS is facing some significant challenges in school and its hard work (for everyone) - I feel like I've spent more time at school than working recently. New strategy is in place but it's very very tough on him and it's so hard to see him so distressed and be a part of the group causing that distress.

I can't help thinking that if I'd been a better parent that he might not be facing this now even though I suspect that's not the case - I can't help feeling it.

I wonder how many of us who are facing tough issues feel this way without admitting it?

We're in the process of adopting and I regularly worry, questioning can be a great mum? I worry that if I am accepted as an adopter will I really be good enough and do my child justice, to help them be the best adult they can be? Seems like a common concern.

You're much better than me then cuckoo - didn;t occur to me until the shit hit the fan!

I've been pondering this question today, following a terrible day with DD yesterday where I definitely wasn't the best parent I could be (I lost my temper) and a truly wonderful day with her today.

Being a birth parent and an adoptive parent, I can say that I do feel different types of guilt / anxiety / remorse / whatever about how I - and DH - are doing on the parenting front. I am clear that DD is better off with me than with either of her birth families, and I am clear that on a good day I am as good as anyone else. And I love her dearly and wouldn't be without her, and she is more or less attached to us and would be distraught to be without us (though on the really dark days when she is shouting that she hates us I do occasionally wonder...). I don't have any guilt to carry about her pre-birth development (DS was prem, and there is always the thought that I could have something different to keep him in a bit longer, even though he has had no long-lasting effects), and no guilt about the decisions made on her weaning, or sleep positions, or the type of buggy she had or any of the myriad things that get much of MN worked up, because I didn't have to make those decisions about her.

But... Every now and again I look at my children and realize how much more DD will always need than DS. I feel guilty that his life has been impacted by her behaviour (although he dearly loves her, and is definitely better off with a sibling) and I feel that I could and should be doing more to help DD. I don't read enough books, or practice enough therapeutic parenting, or always trust my instincts when I sense that a bad patch is coming up and try to head it off... And I don't have these considerations with DS, who is by and large a very straightforward boy to parent.

Essentially, if parenting an adoptive child is Parenting Plus, I'm not sure if I am always a Parent Plus. Sometimes I fall short, and I have to hope that overall it's good enough

Kew
You asked if parents of children with significant additional challenges, who aren't adopted, feel the same.

YES, all the time. DS1 has high functioning ASD and working out how he feels, why he is stressed and what is going on with him is a daily struggle and mostly complete guess work.
I say he is high functioning, he got that diagnosis as he is very advanced verbally, however emotionally he is low functioning, behind his ASD peers, and has no idea of what is happening inside his own head.
I feel like I am failing him all the time, I get so stressed about behaviours he can't help but that I can't seem to help him modify and that he needs to modify to function in the world.
I am utterly failing to get him the support he needs and am so scared about secondary school and how he will, or rather won't, cope.
I beat myself up for finding him such hard work, all the time, when he is a lovely boy, but just so intense.
Maybe someone else would be more patient, fight better, have more money to buy in support the state just won't provide. Maybe someone else wouldn't have all the issues with their own childhood that I have and would therefore be more patient and less stressed.

And for those people who say 'it's normal, they all do that' or 'we all feel like that'
I'm sorry but that is just not true. It's the depth and breadth of the issues. It's the constantness of it.
It's the feeling that you are failing every day when you can't even teach your child to remember to wash their own hands or not to walk in front of moving cars.

I understand why other parents say 'they all do that' their child may do 1 or 2 of the things my child does, but unless their child actually has significant special needs, not to the same degree and their child has two of the issues, my child has loads, as well as the core 'ASD' issues. Which are overwhelming and affect him, his sibling and us as parents on every level all the time.

Sometimes you forget how differently you parent and how different your life is until you are thrust into a situation where you see other parents doing things so differently.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant but in answer to your question and on behalf of the special needs parents you see who seem to be managing. We are not. At all. Many of us are on anti depressants and still not coping. We just form little cabals of SEN parents and talk to other people who get where we are coming from.

Someone sent me a text the other day, I had helped her with something saying how organised I was!!! I just replied, honestly, saying I was amazed I had managed to give that impression.

These posts all read true in so many ways. I guess we came to this knowing we would be 'parenting plus' and having a certain (woefully small) amount of preparation and training, we also have lots of books to read, but parents of children with significant additional needs are just thrown in.
But I think I'm ok at the small stuff (teeth, healthy diet etc. Teacher mentality....) but I do look at ds and wonder, really wonder if he would be better with someone else. I know intellectually that if we hadn't come along he would have stayed in the system as his plan was about to be changed, but maybe a brilliant long term foster carer would have been amazing for him. I always feel that he had no choice and that if he couldn't stay with birth family he deserves the very best there is. And I'm not sure that's me. I'm not convinced that good enough parenting is good enough for our kids, but what choice do we have?
And now I know I should be baking yoghurt in winter and knitting it in summer I really do worry that I'm failing him.

Thank you all. It's been an interesting conversation for me to have honestly. KateLennard would it make you feel better if I say I am much reassured by your post! Occasionally I think if I could constantly talk in a low monotone it might help him and other times I think that no-one could possibly fight harder for him than I do and no matter how much better I could be, that I still try so hard to advocate for him and with him and will keep on trying hard until they carry me out in a box.

I suppose I can't offer him a perfect parent but I can offer him a staunch supporter and fierce ally.

I'm not sure if I am always a Parent Plus - yes this I suppose, I guess we just have to each find our own way of reconciling ourselves to not being quite good enough in some ways but good enough in other ways. I suppose it's the way of the world.

When I was first meeting DS the Pretenders "Stand by you" kept going through my head, I need to channel that again. That I may not be the perfect parent for him but I can be the present parent for him (if that makes sense).

Just in case anyone was interested in a quick update.

DS and I are both in a better place (partly because it's my birthday and you have to be jolly on your birthday!).

The rather extreme intervention school and I agreed to has shown some success and is being eased somewhat now to see how he copes in the run up to half term. Daily emails from school still but no constant meetings so I have been able to get on with a bit more work.

Also how hard DS has tried with a regime that he hated has humbled me into shutting up with my maudlin "Am I good enough for him" questions and shamed me into trying harder to be what he needs and pack away my anxieties and irritations to be studied another day. School too have been impressed with him - they were convinced that he would be a school refuser as they knew how much he hated the new regime and tbh it has come close once or twice but I tell you that child is a bloody star - he will try until he has no breath left.

Happy birthday Kew

Your son is a star. Would be good to talk to you about schools and I've just realised I didn't respond to you about that seminar so I will do that today...

To be honest Devora, I'd already forgotten about the seminar so I wasn;t holding it against you!

Belated happy birthday Kew I hope the "eased" routine still holds in the countdown to half-term, and that you both find a way forward that is less of a strain. Only 7 school days to half-term (I'm including today because for us, the day is very much young and I can't strike it off as "done" for ages!!)

Hi Kew, just wanted to add my thoughts to the collective Yes we all wonder if we are really good enough. I have exactly the same thoughts when things are challenging (and even when they're not). You are not alone. I'm glad you're both in a better place. One thing struck me from your update and that is how much resilience your DS has, "he will try until he has no breath left" in one of your earlier posts you said "I will keep trying hard until they carry me out in a box". No prizes for guessing where he gets his resilience and determination from then!! You are doing a great job.