Adopting out my newborn please help

[zia11]

Hello
Please could someone take the time to read this and give advice. I know its long but I am just stuck and feeling hopeless at the moment and I would be really grateful for it.

So im 18 at university and 21 weeks pregnant from an abusive brief relationship, he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. For many many reasons including financial issues emotional issues and personal issues I have decided I want to give my child up for adoption, I want my child to have two parents a loving family home and all the opportunities I never had as a child I do love him but I love him enough to know that I want him to have a better life than the life I could give him right now.

So I was being pressured in to aborting him from his dad, I didn't want too so I kept putting it off. It wasn't until I was 18 weeks that I fully accepted it and decided not to abort. I was always thinking abortion in the back of my mind until then which is why I didn't act sooner on the adoption but ethically speaking personally I can not condone an abortion.

I last saw my midwife at 16 weeks so I couldn't discuss these plans with her. I don't think she would agree either as she is really blunt and honest and I do not think she will agree with my choice. I didn't know what to do so I contacted my governments adoption email and they forwarded me to a ladies email who organizes the adoption and fostering in my government. I discussed everything with her and she wanted to meet me, we are meeting in early October. She explained the process to me but was asking me if there was anyone in my family who would be willing to look after a child. I feel like no one understands me, I do not want my family to look after the child, i feel she thinks im not capable of looking after the child rather than just wanting the child to have a good upbringing and a good stable family. I feel like she is trying so many alternatives and not actually looking at adoption. She is telling me that the child will be placed with a foster career after birth and then we will look at adopters and I will have 6 weeks to change my mind, I feel like she is trying to make me change my mind.

I know I am young but I fully understand what is happening and I know all the emotional implications that can come from this but I am willing to deal with those and give my child a better life.

The thing I hate most is the worry of fostering. I want the baby to have a family and to be adopted rather than spend time with fosters and forming a connection and bond with them just to get passed around with the possibility of a life time in care homes rather than an actual family, obviously no one wants that for their child and I just want him to have a good family that is all I want. How many people are wanting to adopt? Are the numbers low or are there lots of people wanting newborns? I worry that there aren't that many people therefore he wont be adopted. He is completely healthy no known conditions and growth is on chart and I know that is an added benefit.

I just feel awful. No one in my family knows at the moment because I know how they will react. I have horrible anxiety that has worsened due to the pregnancy and I worry so much that I won't get to adopt him out and I will made to care for him even though I will want an adoption. I don't know who to talk too, my midwife is so indifferent and blunt and this woman I am talking to from the government seems to think that I CANT look after him, when I CAN i just know I can't as well as someone else and I need him to have the best start in life. She is talking about getting family to take over responsibility when all i want is him to have his own family.

So please can someone answer my questions regarding this.
First of all would I get the same result going through my local government rather than an adoption agency like barardos? I have tried to contact them but they haven't got back to me. I can't find many resources on pregnant woman wanting to give their child up as I know most adoption is from children getting removed from their care.

How likely is it that my child will get adopted? are there many people wanting to adopt?

How likely is it that my child will go straight to the adopter or will they be placed with a foster career until adoptive parents are found?

Will I take the baby home or will they go straight after birth to foster/adopters? I don't want to take him home as obviously emotions will be pressured however I would like to spend an hour or so with him after birth.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I expect the OP has deregged if she can't accept pms. I hope it worked out ok for her.

[mimilovell]

Hi I have just tried to PM my telephone number but your private messaging is not active. Is it possible if you can send me yours. Thanks

[QOD]

I think relinquishing is utterly amazing, I am always gobsmacked by how there is more stigma to relinquishing a baby, than having an abortion.
handled correctly, with no secrets then a relinquished child can feel as wanted as an actively conceived one.
my Dd is straight surrogate. Conceived on purpose for me. Was only chatting earlier about it with her as her birth mother and birth half sibling popped in
I hope you make the right decision for you. Adopting is NOT easy..if I had a. £1 for every person who said to me "why didn't you just adopt" then I could have funded an.American.style surrogacy agreement and had no 2!
Your baby would be cherished
all.the best

[Lomega]

I am afraid I don't have anything constructive to add, but I just wanted to say you are a really brave person OP and I really do wish you well with your very brave decision. My DH is adopted and has had a brilliant life with his adoptive parents, and we do speak via letters to his BM now as well. I really hope you have someone supporting you and who can help you after the birth, whatever decision you make in the end.

[golemmings]

Hiya - just tried to PM you but it says you can't receive PMs. If you have another means of contact, PM me and I'll drop you a line

[Bepanthan]

Sure zia your choice must be absolutely yours. My caution is just that having been in denial about your pregnancy you have had a limited time to even start to deal with the issues you gave relating to your health, family, ex and unborn baby. No one can process effectively under pressure and you are under plenty. There is research into birth mothers and their outcomes are much more likely to be depressive than those who gave terminations for example. Of course this may not be true for you but I urge you to get the very best personal support and you will not find it from SS and probably not from the NHS. This decision doesn't stay with you for all of your life it grows and changes and the 'it' you mention becomes so many possibles.

I think you are so right to acknowledge that you won't really know how you feel until your baby is here but you do sound dissociative and beleaguered. Get support if you can so whatever your choice you can move forwards with confidence. Just take care

[zia11]

I understand what you are saying about re thinking adoption but I have thought equally about both sides. I have thought about keeping it in depth and same for adoption and after thinking adoption was the option I thought was best. I know there's a lot of people that get problems when their older because they where adopted but there are also a lot who are completely fine or indifferent towards it. Also even if they do feel like that when they are older the alternative may have been ten times worse for them if they had continued living with their birth mother. This is the right choice for me for now and my decision won't be changed until I give birth then I will see how I feel. I know you can still do uni and raise a child but I feel like I couldn't considering it's so hard at the moment and this mental health condition I have makes me hostile tired and stressed so easily there have been so many times before I was pregnant that I just have completely up for a week took time off laid in bed crying about nothing, luckily I've managed to pick myself up though but my attendance was awful. I know there's also a lot of financial support and I do know what I'm entitled too if I have the baby so if I decide to change my mind I won't have to look that up or worry about that

[MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom]

There is so much support for student parents should you choose not to relinquish :)

[Caramelkate]

CIA, I had a baby in the middle of my medical degree and it was OK - I certainly didn't have to give up ( I took a year out). If anything my grades went up because I had to stay in and not go out partying! It might be worth speaking to someone at the student's union to find out more and speak to student parents. You may still decide to relinquish your baby, but it's best to be as well informed as possible before you do it.

[Bepanthan]

Zia - sorry this is so hard for you. Be careful going forward, honestly you sound so mired down in the opinions of your family and your worries of coping as well as you want to do so that I can't imagine you stand much chance if making a clear headed decision.

I might just read this in your post because it reflects my experience, I was ( once!) young and worried about education and letting down my very judgemental family when I got pregnant and arranged adoption. I would not make the as me choice twice with the value of maturity and hindsight.

One of the problems is that there are many relinquished adoptees who do not get over the trauma of being adopted. Lots who aren't bothered but you can't control this. Read the primal wound or speak to after adoption about common reactions. This is one reason why exploring adoption within the biological family can be a good option.

Are there many relinquished babies, like yours who are not already under the watch of SS? No practically non. why when America has so many? Because we have a good welfare system, university assistance with child care and support families in staying together. Thee are huge problems with the American system not least the amount of birth mothers who subsequently feel lied to exploited and that their babies were stolen by the system. A quick google will give you many personal testimonies.

Here where your situation is an unknown unless SS have involvement you will be judged forever, you have to be honest with people to have good relationships, you have to be honest with your children because your birth child can contact you or them via an intermediary when they are 18 Or you lie and wait for that lie to implode.

And whilst now you are putting up a new born, this act grows with you and can become more awful not more manageable. You may relive it with each of your subsequent children.

Am I being negative, I am because you need to hear this too. This may be the right decision but it isn't a substitution for abortion this gets harder and harder and harder. You don't have to quit uni, you don't have to not work, you don't have to parent like your parents did. These things may yet turn out to be easier to face up to than growing up without your child.

I really wish you the best with your decision, go carefully

[zia11]

I know what I might ask now might be a bit controversial seeing as I am not telling my family but may it be a good idea to tell his? I am not suggesting i want too or should its just I have read a new email that I didn't see earlier from the lady and she asked if any of his family knew about the pregnancy (which as far as I know they don't)

If I was too tell them then it would be behind his back probably on social media as that's the only way I will be able to contact them. I don't know them either so their response may be just as bad an violent as his was and im sure if I did it behind his back he would be very angry.

I know that the social worker is just trying to look at alternatives as I guess she doesn't fully understand what I want yet, I think she just thinks that I don't want to care for the baby and wouldn't mind who else did. Also, I wouldn't want any of his family stepping in even if they where willing too. This is just on the basis of how he acts and I don't know, I don't know his family and on the basis of how horrible and vile he was towards me I assume that his mum sister etc are relatively similar although I know they could be lovely. By horrible I mean he told me to kill myself and the baby called me names and told me to meet him, when I refused he told me he only wanted to meet me so he could punch me in the stomach. So understandably I want to avoid contact, but I don't want to tell the social worker or midwife why as they may press for legal action and I don't really want to get that drama involved as he is not continuing with the threats now on the basis i leave him alone.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Zia

I'm sorry I didn't make my point clear, what I meant was that these women thought and knew in many cases they were doing the right thing.
But now things are different and there is help and support out there, including financial support.

I do think you are being very mature in considering the fact that you might change your mind even though your mind is made up now.

I am sorry you haven't got the support of your family and feel they wouldn't understand. Do you have close friends you can talk to?

[MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom]

Hi
I'm not an adopter, and have no other advice other than to say that the support on this board for mums considering relinquishing their babies is incredible. I was faced with this decision this time last year, the advice I received from these wonderful posters on the Adoption forum was a lifesaver. They helped me to get my thoughts in order and to think objectively about my situation.
I am thinking of you. You're very brave.

[angryangryyoungwoman]

I really feel for you and the difficult decision that you have to make.
It must be your decision and I don't want to try and influence that. You sound as if you have made your decision already, but you also say that you don't want to be naive and say that you are 100% sure. So as you have written mostly about what you feel would be better for baby if adopted, I'm just reminding, or gently suggesting that you could give equal thought to what the benefitsare for baby of staying with you.
Whichever choice you make, I'm thinking of you and wish you a happy future.
You sound strong enough to make whichever option you choose, a positive one.

[fasparent]

As well as Open adoption there is the new " Fostering too Adopt., where baby would go too Adoptive family as a foster child until adoption is formalized., also speeds up the Adoption process. Fostering too adopt would address some of your concerns.
Some mum's get too meet Adoptive Parents and Contact issues can be addressed prior too this.
As I mentioned take things slow look at all options, Know this is a very emotional time for you .

[zia11]

morethanpotatoprints

I do understand what your saying but truly I am not basing this choice on society looking down on me. My dad had my older sister when he was 17 and I know a lot of people including one friend all the same age as me (some even younger) who have babies. I am not from a social class where it is unheard of at all, I know so many people who have children and I am 100% certain none of my friends or anyone in my area would judge me because of how common it is around here.

My true reasons for adoption are that I do not feel I am ready emotionally for a child. I also have bipolar which makes me unstable, I wont go in to the effects it has on me but if I did keep the baby it is likely I would have to have a family member that could support me on my off days.

I would also have to quit uni, juggling a baby and uni would be too hard especially considering my degree is in law which is a very demanding degree and I barely have time for myself. I could not juggle a baby with uni as well as having bipolar which causes me to have episodes when I am under stress.

If I was to quit uni to bring up the baby I would be upset in myself as I am so grateful for this opportunity and I need to do it to better my future. If I was to work and bring up the baby I think the stress would get to me until I had to quit work and then the financial struggle comes. Obviously if I was older in a relationship with a career and I wanted a baby I could get help and come to terms with this but that is not an option right now. I know there is so much financial support in the UK for mothers but I was brought up myself from a bad background. My mum has only just started work she hadn't worked up until recently since she had me 18 years ago, my step dad (he has been with my mum since I was 2) worked on and off throughout my childhood but he is an alcoholic. They had and still continue to have a horrible abusive relationship and it does not function at all, I feel so sorry for my siblings that have to witness this. When I was 15 I voluntarily left my mums to go to my biological dads mums house and now live with my grandperant's. As a child I had to witness my step dad psychically assult my mum and vice versa, I remember I used to sleep at my nans for the weekend as a child and then call the house phone, no one would answer so I would make her drive to my mums house because I was so scared that my step dad beat her up.

I was prevented from doing a lot of things as a child and compared to my friends their lifes where so much better. and partly I think the reason for my mental illness is how I was brought up. I didn't have any opportunities at all until I moved in with my grandparents, life was just awful. I don't want the same for my baby. I just want him to have a good life a good family home and stable parents which is what I never had. I am not saying I could never give a child that because in time I hope I can give a child that. I don't want to make the same mistake as my mum and have children too young for selfish reasons. When I am older and meet the right person I hope to have children, but before then I hope that I can get a career a future and financial and emotional stability so I will be able to deal with it, right now I haven't got that and if I have this child I will not be able to achieve that and his life may be similar to mine. I just think this is the best option for everyone involved. I know some people disagree with adoption and everyone is entitled to their own opinions and outlooks. I do and always will love my mum but if I was given the opportunity to have been adopted by my grandparents as soon as I was born I would have said yes and I am sure I would be a lot more level headed and relaxed.

[WeAreEternal]

As you are not married the father will not have automatic parental responsibility, he could apply for a parental responsibility order after the baby is born which would give him rights, but it doesn't sound like it is likely.
He does still have some rights even without parental responsibility though.
If you choose to give his information he will be contacted and asked for his consent for the adoption, but even if he refuses to give consent the court has the power to override his refusal and still make an adoption order.
But if you decided not to give his information they will probably ask a few times and try and stress that it is important, but they wont make you tell them, and it can all be done without his info.
Although I would really advise giving as much of his medical history as you can, for the childs sake.

Your best bet would be to talk to your midwife, she will put you in contact with the relevant people. There is no rush to do anything, but I really would advise you to get some counselling just to talk through your decision, it really will help and it will give you some extra support by having someone else to talk to.

Letterbox letters are really important, imo, they give you reassurance that you made the right decision and that your child is happy and healthy and it will give you child an even stream of information about you and your life that he can look back on when he is older.

[FishWithABicycle]

That sounds like things are going to be OK.
There's nothing there to suggest that they will try to pressure you to find a family member - she has to ask whether this is something that would work, but she'll respect your decision (and I agree with it too) that that's not the way to go.
She's offering fostering-to-adopt/concurrency right from the start, which is great news.

They will not refuse to let the adoption go ahead just because the father won't talk to the social worker. They need to check that he isn't desperate to be a daddy himself and willing to parent the child. Sounds to me like that's not too likely.

[morethanpotatoprints]

OP

I am not going to try and change your mind or influence you at all because this has to be your decision and yours alone, but had to respond.
Your thread has sent chills down my spine, your reason for adoption.

This is almost word for word that is written on my adoption notes from the 1960's. My bm and many others, according to several documentaries I have seen, were told to write this as the reason for giving their babies up for adoption, because society was so anti teen single parents.

I know you won't be influenced in the same way as the world has changed but reading your words makes me want to urge you to consider what you could offer your baby as well as what you can't.

Whatever you decide my love, best wishes and good luck.

[zia11]

oops sorry it didn't add and pressed enter, here it is "I need to know whether the childs father is involved at all or knows about the pregnancy as he would have to be contacted for his views if you chose to have child adopted.

Are your family aware and is there anyone who could or would want to provide care for a child?

If you decide to go ahead with adoption the child could be placed with adopters on a fostering to adopt or concurrency basis. If we do not have any body available to do this we would place with foster carers and once you were totally certain you wanted to go ahead with adoption we would look at adopters. This would give you some time to make up your mind fully. After 6 weeks you would get a visit from a court worker to agree that you wish to pursue adoption.

There is an ongoing letterbox system where a yearly newsletter is exchanged from birth parents to adopters and vice versa.

When is EDD for baby and where are you receiving ante natal care.?"-- Do you think based on this response that I am contacting the correct person. She is only at work 2 days a week else I might have more information on if i am/am not but shes bad at responding to emails. Hopefully I will be more clear when I go and see her I just want reassurance that by speaking to her im getting the ball rolling

[zia11]

This is the email from the lady I am contacting:

[zia11]

I can contact the father is needs be but I don't think he will even be willing to talk to the social worker, he has a new girlfriend now and she does not know about this situation so its likely he will not want to say anything to anyone. Im scared that if this happens and he refuses to contact or speak to them then they will say that I can't go through with the adoption. I am also nervous that he will say that he doesn't agree (out of spite for me continuing the pregnancy) with no intention to bring the child up himself, hes just that type of person he is horrible

[zia11]

Thanks again everyone for your detailed and informative responses all of which are very helpful. Yes I am in the UK and I am British born to British parents, I know many people would assume from my name I'm not British but I used my middle name to protect identity. About the ethnicity thing, I forgot to clarify that the babies dad is not full black he is half black Caribbean and half white British. My friends dad is mixed race and her mum is white and my friend is white just with black features (curly hair, big lips) but she is lighter than both parents, I know it can depend on genetics though so I don't know if the ethnicity thing will be an issue after all.

I understand what lurcioagain is saying about me maybe doubting my capability. I don't want to seem naive or childish and I know that very well may be the case. I however, don't think it is. Personally since I became sexually active I thought to myself if I did get pregnant then I would get an abortion, and I was very adamant on that because I knew it wasn't the right time in my life. However when faced with that I couldn't even phone the clinic up to book a talk because I was so against it. I have never had sex and not used protection ever, I was on the pill when I fell pregnant which is why it is such an awful situation because I never wanted to make this choice. I know adoption is irreversible but I would rather sort it before hand and get everything prepared so the adoption runs smoothly then get the baby back if I change my mind with in the time frame rather than decide when I give birth that I can't look after him then rush all this then.

In terms of open adoption I do not really mind, as awful as that sounds. The lady that I am in contact with at the moment says there's a yearly letter sent from adoptive parent to birth mother and vice versa and I am happy with that. I completely understand why an adoptive mother may want little contact because it can be confusing to the child especially when there not young enough to understand who each person is. I hope I will be allowed to talk to the adoptive parent before hand though so I can get to know them briefly and see there views on birth mother to child contact. I think if I had regular contact I would become more emotional whereas if it was just a yearly thing it wouldn't be so hard or confusing to him.

Yes as said I really do not want any family members however distanced to take custody of the child. I then will have to be in his life and it will be very confusing to him and I will have the constant reminder that I am not caring for my own child and instead he is a "burden" to a family member. I would rather he goes to parents that want a child opposed to my family members who will reluctantly do it out of goodwill and probably always try to blame me and make me take responsibility. I know telling them is wise so they are there for me and I am considering it but at the moment im not so sure just because I know how they will react, even if i did tell them it would likely only be my older sister. Im just really hoping no one turns up at my house out of the blue while parents are in or tries to make me tell them.

Im just confused where to go from here really. Am I doing the right thing in terms of getting the adoption sorted by meeting with the woman from the council? Will that get the process running? Also do I tell this to my midwife when I next see her? I just don't want to get in to the position where she involves a social worker and the woman from the government involves herself too that way it might get complex. I don't know im probably over thinking things just because I am a little stressed, not really sure whats going to happen and become anxious over the smallest things. I guess i'm concerned that they will try to work with me in terms of working with me to keep the baby when I am pretty set on this choice and they will try to avoid letting me do that.

[CheerfulYank]

Oh honey.

I'm American so have no advice as things are different here, but best of luck!

[Italiangreyhound]

Zia I am so sorry you find yourself in this position and hope you will get the support you need in your area in real life as well as here with us.

Whatever you decide I hope you will really feel you do have choices and support could be there for you in the future, if you were to decide to keep your baby or if you have your baby adopted.

Can I ask, because I was not clear (you do not need to say, I am just curious). are you in the UK and are you from the UK? Or are you from elsewhere or living elsewhere? Not sure why I got that idea but obviously where you are will affect things and where you are from may affect if your family are close by and are supportive in the future or not etc.

You asked a few questions and I wanted to give my perspective and I may well be wrong but I wanted to respond.

I am a newbie adopter of a little boy and a birth mum to an older girl. I know a few people who have adopted and most have adopted children taken into care, although I do know two people who adopted relinquished babies.

You asked if lots of babies are given up for adoption or relinquished in Britain, it is my understanding that it is not very common and many children in adoption have been removed from families. I could be wrong but as far as I am aware this is the case in my area of home counties, UK.

I think (IMHO) lots of people who are looking to adopt in this country would be delighted to adopt a new baby. Of whatever ethnicity or racial background. But, as others have said, social workers will try and match your baby's heritage to that of the adoptive couple so the child will have the best chances for them feeling positive etc about their heritage.

I suppose in one sense the comfort you can take from this is that your baby may well be wanted by many people and social workers would most likely not have a problem finding a new home for your baby.

I would also second what others have said about preparing some special items like letters and photos and buying special things for your baby. I would say this is one big way you can show them how much you think of them. I do not mean expensive things just special little things that will be a keep sake from you. I think writing letters or even a little journal and taking photos may be very good for them to have when they are old enough to understand things better.

In terms of your baby's father and whether he has any rights to challenge the baby being relinquished for adoption I think you would need to check that out as it is a legal question. It is my understanding that in the event of a baby being relinquished for adoption and the birth father wanting to care for the baby he could request to do this. This does not mean social services would allow him to but I am just saying I think he may well have the right to request it. As you say he has not shown any interest in the baby and doesn't want to be involved then this does seem to indicate you are free to make your own choices. I only say this because of what I have heard from friends, and not to be alarming.

Also, as far as I am aware if you do not want your relatives to care for the baby, and want the baby to be adopted then you have the freedom to do this, I think. I think, IMHO, it is only in cases where children have been removed that social services try and find family members to look after the child.

Do, as others have said, ask for whatever options might be available if you do wish to maintain contact with your son.

The concurrency route where babies are fostered with a couple/individual who will later adopt them would mean that your baby did not bond with foster carers and then have to move, assuming all went ahead.

I am not sure how long after the birth you have to change your mind if decide you do want to keep your child, please do check that out so you know your rights in this area.

If anything I have said is wrong, I apologise, I am not a legal expert at all but I do know two people who have adopted relinquished babies, one quite straight forward and one more complicated. I am also sorry if my wording has been wrong. I do not mean to cause any offence in the wording I use.

You are going through a lot so please do look after yourself, eat, well, rest and make sure some people in real life are there to look after you.

All the very best.