Introductions begin tomorrow!!

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Just that really.....

It's taken us a few years to get here, 9 months from approval panel, but the day is very nearly here when we meet our boy.

Tips and advice welcome, especially if you adopted an older child. Most of those we did prep group with, have babies or very young toddlers under 18 months, so would love to know how it went with introductions for children around 4 or 5.

And for those of you in the process.....keep going, you will get there in the end

[Kewcumber]

Trinny - I don't know if its helpful to you but this was a post I made on MN one year to the day after I met DS...

Felt really emotional putting DS to bed tomight. Kept thinking that it is the anniversary of the last time "no-one in particular" put him to bed. The last time he didn't have one particular person just for him (if you see what I mean) and not shared. Don't get me wrong, he was well cared for and the wonderful women at the orphanage did care for him but not in that "lay down in front of an out of control lorry for him" kind of way.

Strange when I look back because, of course I didn't feel that way about him then. Can't put my finger when it happened exactly but I sometimes think that like some cultures think cameras steal your soul, in fact your children steal a part of your soul and you never quite get it all back again. Or at least not until they are hideous teenagers

The second paragraph in particular about not being quite sure when in that first year I realised I would in fact lay down in front of a lorry for him (thankfully never been asked).

And yes babying is fine and often required. In fact looking at our reception children - 4/5 yr olds do seem like babies to me anyway!

[Lilka]

Yes I have absolutely babied my girls when needed (and DS too, but it's mostly the girls). DD2 especially, loves rocking even now, and a few years ago we had a real phase of her wanting to lie across my lap while I fed her her bedtime drink from a bottle which was surreal but actually really helpful - good for our attachment, helpful for her emotionally as well. Healing. Also at times I've fed her dinner with aeroplane noises and played baby games etc.

Embrace it. If they ask for it, they usually need it. When they are through that stage, they will stop wanting it

[MissFenella]

Yes to letting them regress. I still hold DD1 (8 tomorrow) as if she was a baby and make coocheecoo noises when she needs it. It doesn't last long but helps them ground themselves. I just view it like this: they didn't have a babyhood that I would like them to have so I will give it to them on a super accelerated pace. read stories, cuddle and fuss (feeding them choc buttons at the same time is good), let them have a dummy, feed them their meals with aeroplane noises etc. Does he have his own blanket for wrapping up in and snuggling?
I agree with your approach regarding limiting choice - he will want to know that you are in charge, that is what makes him feels safe. I used to say, 'that is my job' a lot when I was not offering choice ie. Its my job to work out what to have for tea because I need to make sure you get the right things inside of you so you grow and have energy.

I am sure that is all a bit coals to Newcastle but hope it helps.

with regards to love, do not punish yourself, keeping them safe and secure is good enough for now. x

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

And even though it's heart breaking for us, the fact that he is sad and misses his foster carers, suggests he made an attachment, is capable of attachment and that's a really, really good thing.

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

*sad, not said. Bloody iPad!

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Thanks Lilka. My previous post should have said "he can tell us he is said....". Talked to our SW today and his advice was to indulge our little boy and think of him as a child much younger than his actual age. Baby him a little as a means of reassuring his anxieties.

When we have thought about it, it makes sense to do that. We had tried the "we know you can do it" approach to build his self esteem and confidence, but will take SW advice and baby him more. He has reacted well to that today.

Feels like a massive learning curve, but we are doing OK I think.

Thanks again for all posters, really helpful.

[Lilka]

guilty we don't (yet) love him as much as they do

Don't feel guilty about that! This is one the things I bang on about a lot It's totally natural, normal and fine for bonding to take months. Love will come, but the very definition of attachment (and love) is that it's long term, not short term. What you feel now is not going to change how things end up in a years time. Those parents who bond instantly with their adoptive children don't wind up with better parent-child relationships in the long run than those who take more time to bond and then attach (not in my experience anyway). Don't worry or beat yourself up for being totally normal, you haven't done anything wrong. This is natural.

Really glad to hear you've had more ups than downs, and how amazing your son is :)

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Thanks. We have had a few ups and downs over last few days, but more ups than downs.

He is amazing. He is articulating his feelings really well, considering his age. He can't tell us he is sad, missing his foster carers etc. we are reassuring him that's normal and is ok and he is able to accept comfort from us. We are taking one day at a time!

[Italiangreyhound]

Trinyandsatsuma don't worry - you say guilty we don't (yet) love him as much as they do and guilty we are such novices as parents.

It will come, I am sure, and you are novices but that means you will learning well, and probably better prepared than other novice parents.

Good luck. I am sure you are doing well.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Belated congratulations, Trinny and Broody! How are you getting on now?

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Thanks all. We have noticed a few changes in his behaviour today, which is to be expected. The best thing we learnt from the prep training we did was to think about the emotion behind the child's behaviour. He's wanting to control everything today. I think that's his way, consciously, or unconsciously, or saying "hey, my world has just been turned upside down. I'm not sure I like all this change". We have made a few rookie mistakes I think, giving him a bit too much choice, not enough structure. Tomorrow, we have a plan for the day, which we will try and follow. Lots of play time with us, but also some activities we choose, ensuring he feels safe and he realises we are here to take care of him.

Feel quite emotional tonight. It was heartbreaking seeing how upset his foster carers were when he left. I feel guilty for wrenching him away, guilty we don't (yet) love him as much as they do and guilty we are such novices as parents. But.....tomorrow is another day

[onedevil]

Well done - glad the day is finally here! Hope it's going smoothly!

[MissFenella]

well done I am so pleased for you. Hope it goes smoothly from here on in

[Lilka]

Hope today goes well, and massive congratulations :)

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Today was moving day. Little man is, so far, taking it all in his stride, but we know his emotions must be in turmoil.

Fingers crossed for the next few days.

[Italiangreyhound]

TrinnyandSatsuma (great name) I hope all continues well.

[Thatsnotmychicken]

Glad it's going so well, good luck for moving in day.

That's a lovely story Exellis

[Exellis]

Aaah that takes me back. Our little two (3 & 2) have been with us seven months. And sooo right about the pleasing behaviour it took our two a couple of months before they stopped their "jazz hands" as we called it. Hope you taking lots of photos - we haven't stopped. Well remember the first time we put the youngest down for his first afternoon nap at ours and him putting his arms behind his head and sighing and I thought "yep he's home"

[TrinnyandSatsuma]

Hope yours are going well too Broodymomma.

We had review meeting today and moving in day is approaching!!

[Broodymomma]

It's going fantastic so far thanks x

[Lilka]

So glad things are going well :)

Congratulations Broodymomma

[Inthechelseahotel]

Great news! Congratulations in advance and hope it all goes well

[Happiestinwellybobs]

Great news Trinny and Broody :)

[Broodymomma]

Glad all is going well. We had day 1 today it was wonderful

[Thatsnotmychicken]

Glad things are going well. Good luck for the overnight