Crisis, please help

[Lilka]

:( Bear with me

Just two days ago I was happy, and she was happy and we were all ticking along pretty well

Yesterday DD2 was arrested :(

She left college at lunch to meet with her birth mum for lunch at birth mum's house. And then I have no real idea what exactly happened, just that DD had a bad 'episode', dissociated and had no clue where she was, what was happening or anything like that, and birth mum had no idea what to do and tried to get too close to DD too quickly I guess, because DD attacked her (with her fists and feet only, no weapon or anything). So apparently BM ran out of her house and called the police and they arrived, and what do they do? Of course, approach her and terrify her, so she tried to smack them and promptly got arrested for assualting her bm and then trying to assualt the police officer, but was in such a state when they got her to the station, the police realised an ambulance might be a better idea.

And did I know about any of this until later that day? No. BM told the police she was DD's mum and also told the hospital staff the same. SHE GAVE THEM THE WRONG NAME FOR DD AND TOLD THEM SHE WAS DD

[Lilka]

There's a good part of me that would be very happy to tell BM to go away and leave DD well alone, because I'm still very angry with her

And another big part of me that is thinking 'you should distance yourself from her' which is winning out

I also think frankly SS should be doing it, not leaving it to me. But since they are doing their best to win 'chocolate radiator of the year' award...

Unfortunately I suspect neither SS or me will actually succeed in stopping her contacting DD. I suspect she'll just see me trying to sabotage their relationship and refuse to believe that it's DD herself who does not want contact and not controlling and possessive adopter trying to keep DD to myself I suspect that only time and DD herself will be able to put the brakes on. How unfair on DD

So yesterday evening and today my plan of action has instead been to help DD stop the contact without talking to her BM directly. I have helped her to unfriend her BM on Facebook and block her.

You can't block individual mobile numbers so I am going to buy DD a new phone instead. I won't let her have modern smartphones or anything, but she has a cheapy older model, so it's not a problem to replace it and get a new number.

I do hope that this on its own might put BM off...if not it's back to SS and if not I'll have to try myself or consider involving other authorities if she is harassing DD, but I hope it does not come to that and she will back off

[Maiyakat]

It seems wrong that it's your job to deal with BM. The adoption team have a responsibility to act in your DD's best interests, which at the moment would be them telling BM where to go. Really hope you get some decent support from them (I know, flying pigs and all that...) and that you are able to get out soon to see friends and family

[Devora]

Lilka, you are amazing, but doesn't there come a point where you just crack and react like any other parent would, and have a few well chosen words with BM?

[HappySunflower]

What support are you getting from the post adoption support team?
I would suggest that you consider contacting them and ask them to contact BM to tell her to back off.

[Kewcumber]

Lilka - can you not intervene and directly say to BM that DD is not replying becasue she wants time and space?

[Hayleyh34]

You're doing an amazing job in very difficult circumstances. I'm not surprised that your daughter has regressed. The BM just makes me

[Lilka]

We're into a routine now, and she's in college. Still no contact with BM, not for want of trying on BM's part. I wish she had the common sense to realise that the reason dd is not replying to her is because she actually needs space and a break and doesn't want contact right now.

She has definitely regressed though and some old behaviours are rearing their heads again. She is still clinging to me and I am still going full on with attachment/therapeutic parenting, as she is clearly responding best to this

My heart is breaking for her :(
Thank you for the kind words all, you are more of a aupport than you know when it is hard for me to get out the house and meet my supportive friends and family in the flesh

[Hayleyh34]

Oh Lilka, this sounds awful . I've only just seen this thread, how's everything now?

[Lilka]

Hello

We had a quiet, low key weekend. dd was a little better until this morning when a couple of police cars and an ambulance raced by our house sirens blaring and she ran away and had a complete meltdown :( but on Saturday we managed a nice walk together and baked some fairy cakes. This evening we watched tv together. I am back to to sleeping in her room tonight, but she managed last night without me. I am so devastated to see her regress into this state :( on the positive side,she is showing her attachment to me - this is the most consistently loving she has been in some time. I hope this continues even when she has healed more from this experience

I do hope she stops contact with her BM now now until she is older and more stable at least. Although I wouldn't be upset if they were never in contact again. Contact was always helpful and good for us when it was controlled letters, photos, meetings with BM and me etc, and I don't regret it, and would say a controlled open adoption was probably the best thing out of the worst bunch - BUT unsupervised, daily intense contact has been a disaster

[Happyasapiginshite]

Well Kew, you said it but I thought it so you're not the only horrible person!

And Lilka, I'm thrilled that your dd2 doesn't want any contact with BM. Please God it'll stay that way and you can all move on. I hope you do eventually find out what happened because I would think it's hard to be imagining what might have happened. I just hope that's the end of it for good now.

[Kewcumber]

I'm a horrible person Lilka - my first thought was "good, that'll nip the wonderful BM before it gets too deep" Sorry

Of course you suspect it was going to end like this one way or another and better it happened sooner rather than later and that you are around and able to help her through it.

Although she sounds very anxious I think the fact that she was able to go to college at all today is a good thing. Let us know how she gets on.

[fasparent]

Interesting Lilka, We had too contact BM when our dd was critical ill in hospital payed for and arrange visit. dd was very unhappy , thought we were doing the right thing. Has not spoke too BM Since or visited has not spoken about what happed or given reasons why she wished too break off contact, She is now a mature Adult and a teacher.

[Lilka]

She went to college this morning on condition I come at lunch so we can eat together

She is still as she was on Wednesday afternoon :( very anxious, agitated and clingy. She hasn't talked about what happened at all.

BM has texted her but dd just deleted the texts and cried :( I think she blames her for calling the police and then the hospital admission, but as I said she's refusing to talk about it

I am so glad the police aren't taking this any further. Dd wouldn't cope at all

Thanks for thinking of us :)

[Devora]

How are you both tonight, Lilka?

[Italiangreyhound]

Glad police aren't taking it further.

Thinking of you.

[Devora]

My heart is aching for your dd, Lilka. What a lot she is going through.

Who is looking after you through all this?

[Moomoomie]

So pleased the police are taking the sensible option and letting this go.
Just continue doing what you are doing, being there for her.
You really are n inspiration to many, the love you have for your children shines out.
And when times are bad just think of your wonderful dd1 who is being such a brilliant mum to her little one because of the mother you were to her.

[Lilka]

Thanks all

Yes I expected something would go wrong sooner or later because of DD's needs. I did not expect this though with an emergency psychiatric admission and the police

The Police have just contacted me to let me know that they won't be taking this any further as BM has no wish to, and they will let the assualt on the police officer go as she was in such a state at the time.

I rang DD in sick again at college, she won't think of leaving the house :( She's still very much in a state, but better than yesterday. Super clingy, needs lots of reassurance that the police and doctors aren't coming back to 'get her' :( I think the Police just triggered some deep fears about being taken away, and now she's terrified she'll get taken away from me :(

fasparent I wonder could you tell me more about the help you have had, by PM if you need? Like what these new laws are etc?

[fasparent]

There are now new law's protecting vulnerable children beyond the age of 16. Our Ds was arrested a few months ago for attacking BM. she used FB too manipulate the children. Still intrudes on their privacy against their wishes use's other peoples names and photo's. Children are all OK now after year's of unkind manipulation. Court and bail conditions help some way.

[Devora]

I knew it would be you, too, Lilka. You just saw it coming, didn't you

You vent away about BM on here - you need to have somewhere safe to express all that anger. (In your place, I would be able to use my fury to power the national grid.)

Your poor dd. Thank goodness she has you with her tonight, and every night. For now, just keep her close. This will have to be a catalyst for sorting out how you will handle BM going forward, but clearly you'll have to carefully judge the timing of that.

[fasparent]

Every sympathy for you all be strong for each other , similar has happened too us we got a police restraining order and similar for FB
not allowed within 40 miles of area or children, You need too ask police and speak too child protection exploitation team explain worries and build up too events they will have special designated officers who are experienced in such issues and will work with social services.
Our main lead in dealing with this was the LA's after adoption service but only when it got too far unfortunately.

[fasparent]

Every sympathy for you all be strong for each other , similar has happened too us we got a police restraining order and similar for FB
not allowed within 40 miles of area or children, You need too ask police and speak too child protection exploitation team explain worries and build up too events they will have special designated officers who are experienced in such issues and will work with social services.
Our main lead in dealing with this was the LA's after adoption service but only when it got too far unfortunately.

[Happyasapiginshite]

O dear, I knew it was you when I saw the word 'crisis.'

I'm so sorry the shit has hit the fan. It came relatively soon too, I suppose that's a good thing. As others have said, I'm so glad DD2 knew that you were the real mum, the one she needs when the chips are down.

I have no words of wisdom. I think you are a saint not to be screaming 'I told you so' to DD2, not that it would help her at all, I know. I hope that sense prevails and that there will be no charges from the incident. I wonder what can have happened to DD2 to trigger the trauma response. Time will tell. I just hope and pray that now she'll see sense and stay away from BM.

You are an amazing mother and she is so lucky to have you. She is.