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Original poster

Big Green Hairy Monster

15 replies

WendyGx · 28/09/2012 21:08

I'm a huge big green hairy monster - just become insanely jealous of anyone with a child. Its embarrassing and ashaming. I am approved and waiting for a match. But we've been on the long wait for so many years.

Been to my niece's 4th birthday party today and looking after my 8 year old niece tomorrow and I adore them both. I am very much the doting aunt. But its hard, you know?

But tomorrow morning its especially tough, I am also supposed to go to a baptism. A friend's DD is 2 and she's a peach. I feel so nervous and ashamed of feeling so jealous. Especially as this little girl and her brother are adopted. She's an old friend and we've been out of touch for a while, so I know I should be supporting her on this special day, especially as she has had to go through all the same issues as me. But I don't know if I can. I've been close to tears all day. I feel so ashamed.

Anyone able to understand and share how they coped or willing to slap me and wake me up to putting my friend first?

OP posts:
DameCJ · 28/09/2012 21:20

Not going to slap you. Nothing but empathy for you, it is hard and unfair and you have no reason to feel ashamed. It'd be weird if you didn't have days like this.

I used to have moments of complete rage at it all and have no words of wisdom other than be good to yourself.

Come on here and rant and rave as much as you need.

funnychic · 28/09/2012 21:32

At least you don't go round looking at kids thinking ah she would be perfect for me!! I swear someone will report the weird looking woman eyeing up kids in Toy's R Us!!! LOL

DameKewcumber · 28/09/2012 22:15

Of course we understand - I doubt there's many adoptive parents on here who haven't been through this. I didn't have a way of coping - I just gritted my teeth and smiled and repeated my mantra "this too shall pass".

Devora · 28/09/2012 22:43

Been there, done that!

It IS hard. Don't be ashamed. Be gentle with yourself - it will be your turn one day soon.

calmlychaotic · 28/09/2012 23:16

Hmm totally agree, its really hard. I find people being horrible to their kids really hard to take. Want to step in and say, well if you hate them that much let me have them! At least youre approved I suppose ,so not knowing your circumstances I'm hoping it shouldn't be too much longer for you.

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2012 10:40

Know how you feel. Am surrounded by friends with three and four kids a piece who feel the need to moan about their kids!! The pregnant bellies in the playground used to really bug me! Now, I feel a bit more like 'oh that looks like a lot to carry around in this windy weather!'. Not helped by the fact that my irritable bowl used to make people think I was pregnant and I was always being asked 'When is it due?'

No slaps from me.

Maybe when you get through the adoption process this old friend who has adopted these lovely children will be a great source (I would imagine) of friendship, advice and comfort to you and your adopted littlie.

I cry at baptisms so no one will think it odd if you do.

The day will pass quickly and you can consider that one more experience on the road to your little one.

Also, in a funny way, although I totally believe in putting yourself first in lots of situations, occasionally a big special occasion comes up where you have to put the other person first. Sometimes it can later seem like a significant bit of your own journey - like my being bridesmaid to my friend when feeling terrible about being single, and meeting my DH a few days later! - or - visiting my friend and her new baby in hospital (in tears) only to find out a few days later that I too was pregnant! So sometimes this difficult things are kind of steps along our own journey....

All the best.

Bananaketchup · 29/09/2012 17:25

No slaps here either, just some company. I'm jealous of my friends who have kids or are pregnant, and of people who were approved after me and have been matched before me. I am jealous it all seems so easy for other people.

I am reliably informed by my lovely adopter friends that they felt like this too while waiting, and that it will all melt away when I get my match so I just have to hold on. Not much help sorry, but I definitely share how you feel.

DameKewcumber · 29/09/2012 21:41

funnily enough babies didn't bother me.... but pregnant women... man, I deserve a medal for the smiling through gritted teeth I did.

Original poster
WendyGx · 30/09/2012 09:40

Thanks to everyone for the kind messages and support. I don't want anyone to feel this way, but it is a relief that I am not alone. Thanks again everyone, its appreciated and helps x

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/09/2012 09:44

I'm not in your situation; i have a brood that I biologically produced myself and I certainly don't think you're a big green hairy monster either!

Don't be so hard on yourself, wishing you a speedy matching.

LocoParentis · 30/09/2012 12:50

I know what you mean Wendy. for me it wasn't even just the new baby it was the inevitable really fucking thoughtless you'll be next comments.
I remember a pregnant friend, who knew how long i had been trying saying. 'never fall pregnant loco, your stomach muscles disappear and getting up out of a chair is a nightmare hohoho'
How i didn't strangle the life out of her as she struggled to get out of that chair i still don't know Grin

I'm sure the new mum at the baptism would entirely understand your feelings as she's probably been there herself.

Italiangreyhound · 30/09/2012 16:20

WendyGx did you make it to the baptism? Was it OK? Thinking of you.

Ladyofthehouse · 01/10/2012 14:36

Completely agree with you! I felt like that lots of times - always made it a point though after a particularly 'child/baby related event' to go to a pub for a drink or a long run or just something I knew the mum or mum to be couldn't do!!

The moans about how hard it is being pregnant or hard little children is very difficult - especially when accompanied with 'you've no idea'!! Me and DH would just start being really sarcastic after a while and moaning about how hard our lie ins were to!!

Hope it all went okay. Don't feel bad - it's perfectly understandable!

Original poster
WendyGx · 02/10/2012 11:23

Thanks again everyone. No I didn't go to the baptism. I just couldn't face another child centred event. I went to my nieces party and babysat my other niece. I thought 2 out of 3 was enough and putting my family before my friend was wiser.

I don't know if its me, but is every other woman pregnant or pushing a buggy?

I am trying to remind myself its only 'feelings' and I shouldn't be ashamed. I am also concious I am in the latter stages of this process. But it makes me so frustrated and even angry when others seem to have it easier. I'll not bore you but in summary; lost my mother, Dad got cancer and died, I got cancer, had 3 rounds (3 years) of chemo, had hip replacement, found I was infertile. So I've had a lot on and I know 'we all have issues' but then I see ungrateful people with everything sooooo easy. Now I'm moaning.

OP posts:
DameKewcumber · 02/10/2012 13:30

Moaning is fine here - and yes it is an established fact that 85% of women are either pregnant or recently given birth when you have started the adoption process.

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