Why does my brain torture me?

[Pineconepicture]

Got into a situation yesterday with people I don't know and am unlikely to ever see again. They were unquestionably in the wrong (allowing their child to repeatedly throw sand in the faces of other children with no redirection or intervention) but I didn't articulate myself well in the moment and quickly decided it wasn't worth my time or energy in engaging with them so i left. But they continued to speak loudly about me for sometime after i suggested we just drop it, even shouting at me as I left the area.

That was almost 24 hours ago and I swear I'm still in fight or flight mode. My chest feels tight, my muscles are tense. I keep rehashing it in my brain thinking about what I could have said or should have done. I'm reminding myself constantly this is totally futile, I can't go back in time, the chances of me seeing them again feel totally miniscule...so why can't my brain move on? I'm stuck in some weird mental torture groundhog day!!! Ugh.

Does anyone else do this? Any tips for processing it and moving on? Telling myself 'get over it' doesn't seem to be working!

[Beansandneedles]

No idea, but mine does the same. Sometimes pulls out something from years ago that still makes me cringe.

No words of wisdom but, solidarity!

[Illstartexercisingtomorrow]

Yes I understand this, but I think it comes about because subconsciously you know you were not assertive enough. And you feel a sense of injustice which is why your brain won’t let go.

Compare it to a situation where you did stand up for yourself properly, your brain won’t rehash that nearly as much.

[RunnyPaint]

I wish I knew why our brains do this, or how to stop it. I force myself to think about something else (like what's next on my to-do list) each time the thoughts pop back up, but it's exhausting.

[RunnyPaint]

By the way, some people are twats, and we can't change them. Withdrawing from such situations is often the only sensible thing to do, so you did the right thing.

[Fifiellz]

I do this, I find I like to have a good old rant to myself and replay the conversation to myself out loud while adding all the things I wish I had said, along with plenty of swearing!!

After that my brain feels likes it's been validated

[KalaMush]

I agree with @Fifiellz. Before trying to put it out of my mind, I spend a bit of time thinking about it and allowing myself to feel upset. Then I find it easier to let it go and move on.

[Pineconepicture]

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow

Yes I understand this, but I think it comes about because subconsciously you know you were not assertive enough. And you feel a sense of injustice which is why your brain won’t let go.

Compare it to a situation where you did stand up for yourself properly, your brain won’t rehash that nearly as much.

I think this is it exactly. I blurted out something ridiculous (about their child touching me when trying to get the sand they had just thrown off) rather than actually talking about the issue (throwing the sand in the first place). I also think I'm just completely flabbergasted at how smoothly they turned it around so I looked like the unreasonable one. They genuinely saw no issues with their child's behaviour and thought I was being a t*. Honestly if they're not barristers they should consider a career change!

[Pineconepicture]

@RunnyPaint

By the way, some people are twats, and we can't change them. Withdrawing from such situations is often the only sensible thing to do, so you did the right thing.

Thanks! It did feel like the best thing to do/best way to role model for my pre-schooler.

[Pineconepicture]

@Fifiellz

I do this, I find I like to have a good old rant to myself and replay the conversation to myself out loud while adding all the things I wish I had said, along with plenty of swearing!!

After that my brain feels likes it's been validated

I will try this!! Maybe I just need to get it out rather than trying to squash it.

Thanks @fifiellz and @KalaMush

[DaBlackCatsAreDaBestCats]

Yes I always feel the same. Oversensitivity I think. Also being angry for not being assertive enough because of not wanting things to escalate. You leave the situation feeling defeated. I go over and over stuff in my head that others to seem to easily brush off and forget. I’d love to be like that

[pinkmushroom5]

I do this sometimes, OP. I find the best thing for me is distraction.

Take yourself away from situations where you can sit and ruminate like this.

Busy yourself with something - if you don't have work to do, it could just be a workout, cooking, reading, etc. But make sure it's something that requires your full attention.

Keep busy and it will disperse with time.

[Funkyslippers]

Just remember that you will probably react differently next time. We live and learn

[Illstartexercisingtomorrow]

@Pineconepicture

I think this is it exactly. I blurted out something ridiculous (about their child touching me when trying to get the sand they had just thrown off) rather than actually talking about the issue (throwing the sand in the first place). I also think I'm just completely flabbergasted at how smoothly they turned it around so I looked like the unreasonable one. They genuinely saw no issues with their child's behaviour and thought I was being a t*. Honestly if they're not barristers they should consider a career change!

Withdrawing from a situation often is absolutely the right thing to do. Being assertive doesn’t mean you get justice every time, but it does make you feel differently on the inside if you are able to stay calm in the moment and make a deliberate decision that they are the crazy a’hole and they don’t deserve your time. I regularly back off from confrontation especially with road ragers because I know they are the dicks and not me. It certainly gets to me more when something/someone catches me off guard and I haven’t said what I wanted back just out of sheer shock. It’s worth going over the situation in your mind and verbalising what you would say next time. And next time it will be easier.

[Pineconepicture]

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow

Withdrawing from a situation often is absolutely the right thing to do. Being assertive doesn’t mean you get justice every time, but it does make you feel differently on the inside if you are able to stay calm in the moment and make a deliberate decision that they are the crazy a’hole and they don’t deserve your time. I regularly back off from confrontation especially with road ragers because I know they are the dicks and not me. It certainly gets to me more when something/someone catches me off guard and I haven’t said what I wanted back just out of sheer shock. It’s worth going over the situation in your mind and verbalising what you would say next time. And next time it will be easier.

Thank you. It is pretty empowering to think that it was them rather than me who had the issue. Reframing it to think that I chose to walk away rather than engage has helped. Plus I guess the fact it's a day and a half ago now.