Feeling really lonely - anyone fancy a chat?

[chooseyourusername]

I know that I have nothing to complain about compared to lots and lots of others.
I have my health and a roof over my head (just) I live with DD 17 - but she is so selfish and disrespectful and it has got to me - I have to admit I am really depressed and tonight I just don't want to carry on. Life is too bloody hard - working shitty jobs for minimum wage - have fallen into debt had to borrow money from a friend - just really need to talk to someone - feel I always put on a cheery face for friends - in my experience most people don't really want to know if you have problems - and they can't help anyway - just that really

[chooseyourusername]

I do feel for you whilethekettleboils - it must be very hard having a younger one and not being able to have any you time. At least while my DD is at her Dad's or in bed I have loads of time - too much in fact.
Can his Dad be left in charge for a day or a night and could can you sneak a girls weekend with a friend or anything? Not easy I know - if friends have families they don't always want/can't go away. My family live hundreds of miles away too and we are not close. I remember an "aunty" who was actually a friend of my mums coming to stay when I was at my most obnoxious teenager stage and telling me off for being so disrespectful to my Dad. It really resonated with me at the time and it just shows how someone outside the family has much more " effect"

[Whilethekettleboils]

Hope you are doing okay this evening op.

I'm in the depths of the perimenopause too and have a similar age dd.

Yep, DD has informed me that I am bi-polar (which I'm not). Her self centeredness knows no bounds. Ditto dd's lack of respect for me. I am not in a good place in my relationship and I feel a different kind of loneliness. No family nearby to visit, they live away. I have a younger child to care for too so can't just take off at weekends. I too put on a cheery face for friends and feel like I can't tell them how things really are for me (I'm considering trying to meet people outside my immediate area by volunteering where I might be more tempted to say how it really is for me).

Phones are a massive issue too I agree.

I do return to my gratitude journal from time to time. It does help but I haven't looked at it lately. I don't think January helps, the bleakness etc. I crave alone time and I'm wondering how I can take better care of myself/make myself feel better particularly at the weekends. My feel good hormones have evaporated and I'm tired of cleaning up everyone elses mess and dealing with most of the life admin.

[Mogloveseggs]

sending solidarity from another mum of a 17 year old. Sometimes you must put yourself first. Enjoy the peace tonight and put your phone on silent.

[chooseyourusername]

Thanks Bookridden it's good to know I am not alone. I had DD late so I am well past menopause now but that sure doesn't help and the rage hasn't gone away! I also guess I am sad because feel like such a failure as a parent. I wanted us to do things together but each time we go away we just argue now - she says its a nightmare because I am not chilled (because she wants to stay in bed all day and I want us to enjoy the holiday) I also totally get that you really don't want to do anything with your boring old Mum at that age! Especially one who dresses like a "geography teacher" apparently

[Bookridden]

Hi OP. I have a teenage DD myself and am peri-menopausal, so I can really relate to your post. I like your gratitude list, and I find it helpful to have some small things to look forward at the end of the day. Something I read somewhere is that when you're kids are teenagers and moving away from you (in every sense of the word), it's helpful to see this as a time to begin investing in yourself, and your wants and needs.

[chooseyourusername]

Thanks WildPoinsettia I really appreciated your message. You are right nothing makes you feel like shit more than being blanked in your own home and told you are a child abuser and apparently have bi-polar, according to DD . My budget at the moment is non existent so throwing food away really upsets me. Took myself for a very long drive this afternoon (worked out how far I could get and back with the £10 or so of petrol already in my car! I walk to work so no need for it for another week) had a pleasant walk, smiled at all the couples (and almost smiled at a single man who almost smiled back) had a coffee and a lovely scone in a cute cafe - couldn't afford it but it had been a long drive and it was cold and it was lunchtime. DD wasn't here when got back and has now gone to her Dad's. I feel better. You are right - we all feel like crap because of Covid but it is no reason to treat someone else like crap - DD will always say she can't do anything I ask her to do (like pick up a plate/litter) because she is depressed - I get she probably is depressed and me and her Dad have had many conversations with her about this and have been really sympathetic.
made allowances but she refuses help - I've tried loads of things but she won't speak to the GP who I asked to call her or a Counsellor who called. Her depression is mainly because she says she has no friends and never goes anywhere. By this she means she has no group of friends. She does have the odd friend but one is away at school and the others are either heavily involved in their BFs so not available very often or she has grown apart from school friends. I totally get that it is hard to make new friends and I know she is really lonely but part of me thinks she is not really interested enough in people to be a friend - if that makes sense ? I have also told her that being disrespectful to me in front of her friends or bf doesn't make her look cool (not at 17) - that doesn't stop the litter throwing or the wasting food or the not getting up. The record was staying in bed for nearly 2 days straight. I was letting her bf stay in her room too. Really felt uncomfortable about that (call me old fashioned I know I know) but her Dad let her at his house so the deed was kind of done. Hopefully if she has to struggle to get to college now on the days her Dad can't take her - then it might make her change her attitude. Although I doubt it for a few years!

[WildPoinsettia]

OP she's an adult basically, so she doesn't have to be part of your life but she's sharing a home with you and should be civil and treat you with respect. That's not too much to ask.

Not all teenagers are like this, I would never have treated my parents like a hotel etc neither do my late teens niece and nephew.

At 17 I had left education and was handing over a third of my wages each week. I ate the family meal or, by prior arrangement, I cooked for myself and washed up after. I did my own laundry and kept my room clean and tidy. My mum liked to do things her own way and didn't want any help with the general housework. I was pleasant and polite despite having serious health issues which meant at that time I really shouldn't have been working. Life was a struggle, I didn't take it out on other people.

It's not unreasonable to set out some basic boundaries and expect her to comply. If she doesn't like it her other option is to move out, so don't feel guilty about sending her to her dads. It's a good life lesson.

We all had some form of teenage angst. Teenagers are naturally selfish to an extent it's part of growing up. Covid pandemic has been hard for everyone. Lots suffering with mental health issues. None of that excuses treating others like shit. If a person can't say good morning to those they live with, can't let them know if they'll be home for a meal that they know is being cooked for them, can't pick up after themselves and can't pitch in with house chores and a contribution from their wages when they know there's poverty, then that person has a real attitude problem and that's not ok. Just because you gave birth to her doesn't mean you have to tolerate behaviour like that. It's time for her to grow up. At the moment she has no consequences to her behaviour. Hopefully asking her to leave will shock her into learning from her mistakes, but if her dad kicks her out too because she's no different and she has to go live in a house share, it will probably be the making of her.

I hope today goes ok for you. Life will be a lot easier without someone expecting you to skivvy for them and wasting your money putting food in the bin. Hopefully your home will become a place where you can relax. I think there's nothing worse than being blanked and ignored in your own home, makes you feel proper shit. Being actually alone is less lonely.

[chooseyourusername]

@MissConductUS

My 20 year old DD just went back to uni after being home for winter break. She only came out of her room to eat. DH had to remind her to get me a birthday present. On the other hand, her older brother is lovely, so that gives me hope.

I'm sorry to hear that - it is upsetting isn't it. I know they are probably hurting in lots of ways and I get it is hard to be a teenager and especially with social media and everything. Everyone tells you to "be patient they are all the same" or "you just have to be there for them "and they will be ok in the end. I can't help feeling we let them get away with murder. I don't know if I am capable of showing her real love now. Maybe it is my fault - but I get so mad. Phones are the biggest problem for sure. DD will go out with her bf or meet a friend and be ok. She just doesn't want to be part of my life at all.

[chooseyourusername]

Morning - I did get to sleep eventually after I told DD that she has to pack up all her stuff and go to live with her Dad because I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't know if she has some kind of condition or if she is just a defiant teenager (!) but she literally will not do anything I ask - ever. She doesn't eat the meals I cook - she throws them in the bin or leaves them on the side. She leaves piles of litter in her room and downstairs too after she has bought loads of junk food to eat. Her diet is really bad - and that together with the lack of daylight I know is affecting her. I cut up apples and leave them in her room so occasionally she might eat a couple of slices!
I gave her a load of black bags last night and asked her to put all her stuff in them and what she didn't do I would throw away - she has done nothing of course. So I am starting to put all her stuff in bin bags this morning. I have tried being nice, every day I try to start the day well but now I am in floods of tears again. She will stay in bed all day until she has a driving lesson at 2pm (paid for by her Dad)
I have things I should be doing and I just can't concentrate.

[MissConductUS]

My 20 year old DD just went back to uni after being home for winter break. She only came out of her room to eat. DH had to remind her to get me a birthday present. On the other hand, her older brother is lovely, so that gives me hope.

[Moretodo]

Grateful for mumsnet.
For threads like this that help me realise I'm normal.
For my (messy) DC, they will fly one day and I'll miss them.
Our health, our safety.
My sight, I can read, type, comprehend.
Sunday tomorrow, rest.
We are all fed and watered.
Hot water.
Nice cuppa.

Sleep well all who are reading.

[chooseyourusername]

Haha I like your list too WildPoinsettia - glad you're not dead too!

I have trees outside my window and I like to leave the curtains open and watch them when its windy! I might have to run a bath as the heating is off and its getting a bit cold, good idea.

Thanks everyone - you have helped me feel a bit better. I hope you all have a good night and a lovely Sunday - doing something that makes you happy xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[chooseyourusername]

Thanks guys - good luck with your interview next week cottagepie - I'm sure you will be fab. Hope your Dp gets better soon!

I have visions of my DD never getting a job - she has gone through 3 part time jobs so far. Today she rang in sick because she didn't sleep last night (was on her phone all night I suspect) I've given up trying to get it off her because she would kick and punch me and accuse me of child abuse!
I would never have dreamt of letting an employer down like that. I was brought up by fairly strict parents (or by a completely different generation) DD has no responsibility for anything, little respect and is very self centred. Her Dad can't really say no to her either so she knows that she can always ask him for things.

[WildPoinsettia]

@chooseyourusername

I should write things down I feel thankful for, you're right - I need to remove my head from the pit first!

Things I am thankful for:
My daughter (grrrrrrrrrrrrrr)
my sense of humour (?!)
I've never been arrested
Tik Tok
I have my own teeth

I like your gratitude list, kind of random . Mine is
-my boiler! I've lived in so many cold places, this place is warm and I love it.
-bubble bath. It's my me-time every day.
-not being dead from covid. At the beginning of the pandemic I was convinced I'd catch it and die. Sorry, a bit morbid!
-shoes. I've got lots, even heels I don't wear any more. They make me smile.
-the trees outside my window. There's something soothing about watching the constant changing of the seasons played out on a tree.

My plans for tomorrow are cleaning. Nothing exciting there. I like it when it's done though.

[AlwaysLatte]

Sorry you're feeling so down. When I feel like that I find a bath is really soothing. Can you take an iPad in there with you and get lost in a film, or a book? It's difficult too when the nights are dark for so long. When my partner died I found nights were the worst.
What about hobbies? Is there anything you've put off because you've been looking after others? Something to revisit, or something totally new? When the brain is busy it can't dwell so much.

[WildPoinsettia]

I'm the same, always say I'm fine even if I'm not. I don't think you're supposed to say anything else are you?! Maybe with a close friend I'll briefly mention a problem if it's not too bad but I don't go on about it and anything awful I keep to myself. I don't like to drag the atmosphere down.

I suppose it's only another year before your DD can get a job and start contributing which will help the financial situation or perhaps she'll move out with friends? You might get along better once you don't live together.

[Cottagepieandpeas]

Sorry to hear you’re feeling crap op.
I struggled with my daughter when she was that age. She knew absolutely everything. And I knew nothing!
She’s lovely now though! It usually turns out ok in the end.

I’ve got no plans for tomorrow. My DP is really unwell with some sort of stomach thing. So I’ll be looking after him and panicking about the interview I’ve got next week.

[chooseyourusername]

I should write things down I feel thankful for, you're right - I need to remove my head from the pit first!

Things I am thankful for:
My daughter (grrrrrrrrrrrrrr)
my sense of humour (?!)
I've never been arrested
Tik Tok
I have my own teeth

[TheGoldenWolfFleece]

I find writing stuff down is helpful with pen and paper. It doesn't need to make sense. It doesn't even need to be readable. But the act of writing i find very freeing. Might be worth a go?

[InFiveMins]

Keeping on top of my flat is a task in itself but it does always make me feel better when it's tidy. My bedroom when I was 17 was vile. So was my sister's bedroom at that age. My mum used to go mad - I can understand now why she used to go mad at us but at the time I just didn't get it!

Have you tried writing in a diary? Might not be your thing but I bought a journal from Amazon and try and write down what I'm thankful for every day or something that's cheered me up. It does help me feel a bit happier and more positive.

[chooseyourusername]

It does get you down when the house is a tip. There's only us two so I can keep on top of the mess everywhere else but DD's room is a health hazard - despite me going in there to remove disgusting smelly stuff every week or so!

[Ablababla]

I just meant that the house was tip really! My son is younger but the phone thing is a real problem. It’s hard to know what you can do about it at 17 though. It’s probably the toughest point in the parent child relationship. You just have to hang in there.

[chooseyourusername]

I wish I could remove her phone contract but her Dad pays - we did remove her phone for 3 days once and DD went awol - wandering around at 7am trying to buy a SIM card (with her BFs money) I seriously thought she was going to come to harm or get picked up by the police - the state she was in - she said she couldn't cope without talking to her friends and she genuinely seemed in a bad way without it

[InFiveMins]

@chooseyourusername

I have some nice books to read I was given for Christmas - I just need to get out of the house though! I'm sick of wandering around on my own really. When you're single weekends are the worst - I don't actually mind not being in a couple - got used to it - its just when you go out all you see are couples and families

I get this too OP. What helps me is putting on a podcast or audiobook for when I go for a walk. I walk and listen and feel so much better for it tomorrow I plan to have a short walk and then come home and cook a nice meal for myself and watch something comforting on the TV. I don't think the weather helps, it can be quite depressing.

[chooseyourusername]

@InFiveMins

Hi Op 👋 I'm here to chat.
I know when I was 17 I was difficult to live with!!! Now I'm considerably older I have a much better relationship relationship with my mum. She will mature in time - she's at a very difficult age. It will pass.
I also totally get the shitty minimum wage jobs. I take a lot of comfort from knowing there are literally millions of people like me, waking up early to go to a job they dont really want to go to, just to make sure they pay the bills.
It sounds like you're having a tough time and I know it's cliche but it will and does get better. Life is so hard and so shitty sometimes. I hear you and sympathise xxx

Thanks - it's nice to know I'm not alone. I was a little git at 17 ! and I can remember my Mum being beside herself and her telling me I was putting a strain on their marriage. Our relationship has improved but we are not super close but that is a personality thing really.
I know that it is a stage but I feel that phones have just driven a complete wedge between us. My DD will stay in bed all weekend on her phone - literally the whole weekend. She won't wash a plate, a cup, or pick up anything - at all! I end up screaming like a banshee and I am sure the neighbours think I am a complete fruitcake