I have had have several arrive in my in-box today so I'll put'em all together to save loadsa threads....Happy Weekend!
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Men should always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle!<br />
<br />
From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The husband told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. <br />
<br />
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of <br />
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones.<br />
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Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.<br />
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On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.<br />
<br />
The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.<br />
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SOME OF THESE I HAVE HEARD BEFORE BUT STILL GOOD FUN!<br />
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -<br />
<br />
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... <br />
<br />
or that you could crawl into a hole? <br />
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Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... . <br />
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FIRST TESTIMONY: <br />
<br />
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, <br />
<br />
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" <br />
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I turned around and walked back out and never went back <br />
<br />
My husband didn't say a word... He knew better. <br />
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SECOND TESTIMONY: <br />
<br />
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. <br />
<br />
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. <br />
<br />
After browsing for several minutes, <br />
<br />
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. <br />
<br />
He asked if he could help me. <br />
<br />
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls" <br />
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THIRD TESTIMONY: <br />
<br />
My sister and I were at the mall and <br />
<br />
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. <br />
<br />
As we were looking at the display case, <br />
<br />
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. <br />
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I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." <br />
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My sister started to laugh hysterically. <br />
<br />
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. <br />
<br />
To this day, my sister has never let me forget. <br />
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FOURTH TESTIMONY : <br />
<br />
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. <br />
<br />
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. <br />
<br />
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, <br />
<br />
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" <br />
<br />
The silence was deafening <br />
after this enlightening exchange. <br />
<br />
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. <br />
<br />
I mustered up the last of my dignity and <br />
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. <br />
<br />
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. <br />
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FIFTH TESTIMONY: <br />
<br />
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? <br />
<br />
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. <br />
<br />
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, <br />
<br />
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. <br />
<br />
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. <br />
<br />
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No" . I kept thinking <br />
<br />
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." <br />
then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" <br />
<br />
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he <br />
must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. <br />
<br />
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? <br />
<br />
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent <br />
over, spread his cheeks and yelled <br />
<br />
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" <br />
<br />
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. <br />
<br />
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! <br />
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LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: <br />
<br />
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think be fore she speaks. <br />
<br />
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! <br />
<br />
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: <br />
<br />
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" <br />
<br />
Not only did HE have to leave the set, <br />
<br />
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!