Angry rude 10 year old who then dissolves into tears and feeling bad

[GoldRhino]

In need of some advice.

My 10 year old is very sensitive but can explode, says things he shouldn’t and then bawls his eyes out when he gets told off. I don’t know how to handle it!

Example: today we were in the park with some friends and he came to me and said he was thirsty. I said ok we are just going, your bottle is in the car. He got into a massive strop even though I said we were just going, had a face like thunder and said ‘I’m so bloody thirsty’ (he knows he’s not allowed to swear). We walked back to the car and he ignored all the others which was really embarrassing and rude and would barely say goodbye. Then when I told him off in the car he cried his eyes out and said ‘I’m such an awful person’ and suchlike.

A few hours later and we are still hunting for his missing glasses. He always leaves them around the house and I’m forever saying don’t leave your glasses on the floor/ pick them up/ make sure you know where they are. Dh says to him that if they don’t turn up that he will have to put some of his pocket money towards a new pair, in a bid to get him to take care of his things. Ds explodes, calls dh an idiot and tells me I’ve got a small brain. He then cries again five minutes later feeling awful.

He is such a Jekyll and Hyde character, and so hard to deal with. He can be so sweet and caring and then other times so rude and angry.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Moondust001]

I'm going to say something slightly out of step here. There may be reasons (SEN, low self-esteem etc., etc) why he acts like this. There may not be. You should certainly explore any possible issues. But even if there is an underlying issue, that does not excuse bad behaviour and his behaviour is unacceptable. Later tears and excuses don't change that.

When people post about their partner acting the same way, then the majority opinion is LTB - we don't spend ages digging into what good reasons they may have for abusive behaviour, and we don't accept that a sorry after the event is meaningful. And before anyone shouts me down, yes, I know this is a 10 year old child. But how do adults learn to behave appropriately if we always have an excuse to let children behave that way?

Ten is still young, but the OP says that abusive language and meltdowns are commonplace and always have been. If the current sanctions aren't working - and they clearly aren't, then the sanctions need to be better. Ten now - but it won't be long until he is 16, 18, 23. At what stage is this behaviour not acceptable? At what stage do we stop looking for excuses and say that enough is enough?

Yes, if there is something underlying this, then seek help or confirmation as parents. But that doesn't mean that you should tolerate it. A "good reason" for being abusive is never a good enough reason.

[ragged]

Some people are more emotional than others.
To some extent how strongly you feel things is hard-wired. It doesn't have to have more explanation than that.

Tiredness is a big trigger for becoming overwrought. I'd talk to him about why does he 'lose it'. Try to help give him the awareness that this is something he can learn to manage. No shame in talking about it.

[Standrewsschool]

I think the tantrums are a defence mechanism also.

He has learnt that by crying he is instantly forgiven for his bad behaviour. Ignore the outbursts and continue with the consequences. If he starts argueing, explain that you will not converse with him when he is being disruptive, and patiently wait until he has calmed down. Do you ever give in after his tantrums and let him play on his PlayStation? If so, stop doing this and explain the boundary still stands.

[GoldRhino]

@MissAmandaLa1kes yes he has fresh fruit and vegetables everyday, good food. He has a few crisps and treats like everyone but I make sure he has what he needs of all the good stuff.

[MissAmandaLa1kes]

Dors he eat real food? Home cooked, natural ingredients? Much in the eay of sweets? Addatives in food are responsible for a lot if behavioural issues in adults and children.

[amusedtodeath1]

You need to be easier on yourself. We all make mistakes, it's ok to not be perfect. You need to drum this into yourself and your son. You sound like a really great Mum, this can be easily rectified with a little adjustment in how you think about and deal with mistakes.

Good luck OP

[GoldRhino]

@amusedtodeath1 yes unfortunately that is entirely possible.

[LadybirdRock]

@GoldRhino

When we tell him off we are calm and try to explain why what he did wrong was bad. He has a tendency to argue very rudely during this though which escalates the situation, he says things he regrets and then bursts into tears.

We go to lengths to explain to him why he must not do x y and z calmly and lovingly but somehow we still have these explosions.

To the person saying I pick him apart- please can you tell me how? Genuinely. I really don’t think I do. I just tell him off or pull him up on his behaviour when necessary. He gets endless praise the rest of the time.

If you are referring to me, it really wasn't my intention to say you're picking him apart, I really hope I haven't caused offence and sincere apologies if I have . It sounds very much like your way of telling him off is calm and measured (unlike my parents!). Maybe his teacher/s at school are shouters or overly-critical and then any firm talking to at home, however gentle and fair, means that he takes it badly? There is 1 teacher at my DC's school who still does old-school bollockings, it is horrible. Kids will hold it together at school and then act out at home when they are able to 'let their hair down'. So all his anger might be completely misdirected but he can't express it to his teachers so he takes it out on you instead :S

[amusedtodeath1]

Tell him that it's okay, to make mistakes that when we do we put it right, and move on. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything really bad, it's just annoying and selfish which is perfectly normal IMO. What happens when he makes a mistake is the issue. He feels like if he messes up that makes him a bad person and it doesn't. It's how we learn and at his age he has a lot to learn so a lot of mistakes to makes.

Do you OP, having been through what you did as a child, beat yourself up if you handle something wrong? Could it be that you've passed this on subconsciously to your son?

[QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep]

Steve Biddulph has some excellent books on raising boys.
www.stevebiddulph.co.uk/raising-boys/

I have read his books since my boys were young and I've never had any problems with communication or behaviour. His books definitely help you understand boys better and communicate in a way that makes life easier for both of you. Sometimes as parents we cause the problem without even realising it. That also means we are a big part of the solution. If you don't like reading you may be able to get it on Audible with a free one month, one book trial.

[00100001]

I don't think anyone is saying ignore the waterworks. Just don't let the tears be a "get out if jail free card".

Let him cry etc. But follow through with any consequences.

[Billandben444]

My grandson was the same and even now, at 12, can still work himself into a real frenzy of self-loathing after a rare meltdown. He says he's stupid and ugly and nobody likes him while blubbing - it's very hard to watch as he sometimes hits himself as well. Whatever we say makes it worse so we keep an eye on him but leave him to get it out of his system before cuddling and mopping up. We sought help when he was about 9 and 121 counselling revealed some strong anxiety issues and some OCD. His school is amazing and offer loads of support which helps enormously. He is 80% better than he used to be and knows to avoid certain triggers. Underneath it all he's a loving and caring boy who benefits from clear boundaries and routine. Please don't ignore your son when he gets upset as he's not 'turning on the waterworks' but struggling to cope at the moment.

[JustJoinedRightNow]

Sorry I should have also said that I’m going through similar with my very sensitive 10yo DS.

[JustJoinedRightNow]

Op sorry if this has been mentioned but there is an excellent reference book called The Whole Brain Child, which gives some insight into how to work out the reasonings behind the outbursts and tantrums.

There is clearly something going on, never mind if it is something seemingly small, it obviously is a big deal to him.

Put boundaries in place to deal with his behavior, you can say you understand he’s frustrated about not getting a drink but it’s not acceptable to speak to you like that and then enact a clear consequence for rude behavior.

He hasn’t learned yet that it’s not ok to verbally attack others when he’s frustrated. That will take time to learn and that’s what the consequences will do. Make sure he knows it’s certainly ok to feel frustrated, as adults we feel that too, but it’s how we act whilst dealing with those frustrations that matters.
Good luck OP.

[GoldRhino]

When we tell him off we are calm and try to explain why what he did wrong was bad. He has a tendency to argue very rudely during this though which escalates the situation, he says things he regrets and then bursts into tears.

We go to lengths to explain to him why he must not do x y and z calmly and lovingly but somehow we still have these explosions.

To the person saying I pick him apart- please can you tell me how? Genuinely. I really don’t think I do. I just tell him off or pull him up on his behaviour when necessary. He gets endless praise the rest of the time.

[BogRollBOGOF]

Another thing is does he have any SEN? My 2 kids with ASD both will say how stupid / awful / the worst they are if they are in trouble; I genuinely don't think that it is a manipulation technique it is just in their minds if they got in trouble that means that they must be bad, always were and always will be. It has taken a lot of work to explain that it's the behaviour that isn't good, not the DC themselves.
If he's always losing things etc not just being careless that could be something like dyspraxia?

DS1 has ASD and dyspraxia, and it's a tough combination as he hasn't always got the emotional capacity to take mild criticisms/ consequences and it can very much be pick your moment to deal with things and pick your battles. He always has been a sensitive child. For him, it's best to stick to the original point and address issues after when he is calm enough and has a sense of reason back. We get easier/ more intense phases. Sometimes he feels more in synch with his peers, sometimes the gap opens. Having had a speech delay, he was harder to manage when he was less articulate, but even now, his speech doesn't always flow.

DS2 is generally sunny and cheerful, but had a couple of phases last year when he was struggling with lockdown and became rather rude and stroppy. In his case it was an abrupt change of demeanor and out of character. We'd send him off until he was willing to be polite again and remind him of the standard we expect. It was a stress/ control reaction and needed a balance of boundaries and nuturing when his behaviour wasn't an issue. He's back.to his usual self again.

Quite a few of DS1's classmates (y5) are struggling with their sense of self at present. It's been a very disjointed time to approach a transition point of development and they are getting more self awareness at a time when contact and interractions have not been continuous which makes changes more stark.

Be firm about boundaries. Be reassuring (not necessarily at the same time!) Look into if there are underlying issues be it ongoing or more temporary. Most children have good underlying intentions even if they are struggling and in need of support.

[Anordinarymum]

The crying is a defense mechanism. He knows he has gone too far but he also knows the crying will stop you from punishing his digusting behaviour.

[Thatisnotwhatisaid]

At that age it could be puberty. My 9 and 11 year old’s are going through it simultaneously so have lots of strops like this, I’m used to it now.

Could also be something else going on he hasn’t told you about. I know my DS acted out a few years ago when he was being bullied at school, took him a while to tell me so he acted out instead.

[Whydidyouask]

It all sounds fairly normal for a pre teen to me. I’ve had 2, and currently have a 9 and a half year old. I have found 9-12 years the hardest so far. They can be ridiculously tearful, dramatically over the top and selectively deaf! The fact he recognises his behaviour is wrong and berates himself afterwards tells you he’s ok - he’s been a pain, he knows he’s out of order and he’s sorry. Eventually he will make the right choices on his own. Kids will try everything to get themselves out of trouble.
So many labels - not necessary at all. Set firm boundaries and consequences and you’ll be fine. You’re in charge! You do not need to feel guilty for parenting you kids x

[LadybirdRock]

What are you like when you "tell him off"? My parents (in the 80s, to be fair) never hit me but gave me such awful tellings off, really loud, shouting at me for ages. They thought it was ok because they didn't hit me like their parents had done to them. But it still hurt and caused awful feelings of shame and self-loathing in me, that I did cry because I hated myself and thought I deserved it. I don't want to guilt trip you but you just mentioned in the first post that you told off your DS and then he started crying. I think "telling off" can mean different things to different people though and obviously a stern word is completely different to how my description of how I was treated.

Another thing is does he have any SEN? My 2 kids with ASD both will say how stupid / awful / the worst they are if they are in trouble; I genuinely don't think that it is a manipulation technique it is just in their minds if they got in trouble that means that they must be bad, always were and always will be. It has taken a lot of work to explain that it's the behaviour that isn't good, not the DC themselves.
If he's always losing things etc not just being careless that could be something like dyspraxia?

[00100001]

Well, of he has pretty much zero consequences for not picking his stuff up.... Then that's why he does it. Because he can.



You don't have to be harsh and pick him apart. Although (honestly?) It sounds like he being picked apart.


I think the chat mentioned above would be a good idea. Ask him who he thinks should be picking up the stuff he's dropped etc.


Also, agree with the timing of "you'll have to pay for new glasses" conversation. Ideally he should know the consequence before tj behaviour is displayed. So ideally, he knows for next time. But you also have to follow through


So, chat to him. Then tell him what you expect from now on. Eg. No dumping, hang bag and coat on hook. And that if he dumps them, he'll be reminded to hang them up, and if he doesn't do that... Put a consequence in place.


He needs to know that swearing at you and insulting you will have a consequence. He can't just cry and have it all forgotten. Let him cry and wail about how bad he feels.butnthen follow through with the consequence (eg loss of XBox time or whatever) if deep down he knows he can cry and then still does as he pleases,of course he's going to do that.


Maybe once firmer boundaries are in, he might not be so volatile?

[willstarttomorrow]

OP, it is hormones and the way you parented before now needs adjusting. It is crap as a parent but the kids we love are still in there and you need to trust the parenting you have already done. Also, think about how crap it is to be a tween/teen now and if you can find a course around restorative parenting consider it.
However tough being a parent of young children is (childcare/ activities/social life), nothing prepares you for the next stage. It is a fine balance of enforcing boundaries/promoting independence/ dealing with teenage relationships. Your children will not believe you were ever young and you can offer no advice in hindsight. Also life has changed so much we really have not lived our teenagers lives in regards to social media etc. It is not easy but accept you need to adapt as a parent, but you still are a parent. They need that.

[GoldRhino]

@00100001 I ask for him to do it, he moves maybe his shoes but leaves the rest of it and me being the mug I am I go and clear the rest of it up because it’s easier than dealing with his huffing.

There is perhaps another issue at play here: I grew up in a very unhappy home where I was constantly picked apart and I am paranoid about telling him off too much or being harsh when I shouldn’t have been. I think therefore sometimes I let things go too much.

@Brokenpencilsarepointless that’s a v good idea of a conversation to have.

[quizqueen]

Sounds like pre-teen behaviour. I think it's a case of praising the good and ignoring the bad as much as possible. Pay no attention to the tears and only interact when he's doing the right thing.

Whenever he just dumps stuff, leave it where it is. Don't wash dirty clothes until he puts it in the correct place. If he has to go to school in a dirty, rumpled shirt or wear smelly PE kit so be it. I doubt he's let it happen again after the comments from other kids!!! Also, unfortunately, his tea isn't ready until all his 'jobs' have been done. No further comments required. When he's put all his stuff away, just act normally with no further comments but praise him when he does it without being asked and, coincidently, there's a special dessert.

My granddaughter behaves like this at home but, strangely enough, not when she's at my house because she knows I won't stand for it and we have an amazing relationship and she wants to visit as much as possible. When you get into an argument with a child, you probably will never win so don't get drawn into the argument in the first place.

[Brokenpencilsarepointless]

Gosh. I've got a 9 year old about to turn 10, and I just cant imagine this behaviour. I would have no idea how to change it. What a hard situation.

About the dumping his stuff when he gets in from school, or dumping his washing in the floor, my kid did start doing that last year. Had never been that disrespectful or entitled before so was a bit shocking. I sat him and his younger brother down and we had a chat about respect for others in the household. I said that every single time they did, it meant they were expecting me to pick their stuff up and sort it all out. If that's what they just expected to happen then what they were actually saying was that they were more important than me, that they're time and they're feelings were more important than mine, it meant that all they saw in me was someone to pick up their rubbish, not someone worthy if respect. We said a bit more than that, and how it was particularly important for them to learn this as boys being raised by a single mum because they dont have a man around to model the behaviour. Anyway, it really hit home with them and they've never done it since.