Married to man from a different country/culture

[Yazkiz]

Hi, I'm married 14 years now with 3 young kids to a man from a different country/culture. I'm from the UK. He is constantly on the phone/What's up talking in his own language to family or friends for hours. It would be all weekend. First call in Saturday morning at 8:30am for at least 2 hours. Usually calls most evenings and he would suit himself and eat his dinner around calls.
Apart from being mentally tired of listening to another language I don't understand especially during mealtimes. He's talking and laughing sitting or lying on the sofa in open plan apartment. The talk would mostly revert to money, how to get visas for different countries or cultural family problems. These topics my family or friends or I wouldn't talk about or have an interest in talking about at all.
In the beginning of the marriage, he said it was important talk sorting out family problems, building a house for his family, arranging money for funerals/sick relatives, arranging his sister's wedding etc. So, I didn't mind as much but it is not the case now. After, 14 years now, I'm drained listening to another language all the time in the small apartment. He talks more in his own language than English.
Anyone else in the same situation?

[DrDetriment]

Why on earth haven't you learned his language? I'm not surprised he's spending so much time on the phone to his own country when you have so little respect or interest in his culture. I speak my DPs language fairly well and understand more and I make a real effort to engage with him and his children in his own language.

[yetanothernamitynamechange]

The OP doesnt say what the language is - that might be relevant. For example my son's father speaks a French dialect AND an extremely local language specific to where he was born. I massively improved my French when we were together, so we could converse in that or English. However, learning the other language (technically his mother tongue) was much harder - because it is is not a significant language there were no resources (online or as books) that I could find. As a result therefore the only person able to teach you is your partner which means firstly that you are reliant on them agreeing to help you, and secondly even if they do, the dynamics of being taught by your partner dont always work. I am not saying this is the case for the OP but it might be...

[CorianderLord]

You helped buy a house for his parents and he wants you to help with his sister??? And if you split would he pay you back the money invested?

Tell him to stop constantly ignoring you. It's not the language that's the problem it's that he's always on the phone and that's not fair.

Learn his language. Tell him to respect family life or fuck off.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

This seems to come up time and again and usually the male is from an Arab country.

It strikes me that your marriage was a means to benefit primarily his ‘primary family’ which would usually be the spouse but in your case it’s his parents, siblings and extended family. I think you’re either going to have to accept this and integrate more/acknowledge your money is seen as their money including future money earned. Or decided you’ve had enough and see if you can find a way to separate and disentangle your finances.

[Yazkiz]

@justanotherneighinparadise
Yes I feel his family is first for him and then us four. I was happy to help out with big house for family and seeing his siblings married. However, we have our own family here that we have to build a future for. I have talked this out with my husband but I don't say too much as he thinks I don’t care about his family. Yes I have to accept this.

[DeeCeeCherry]

DP doesn't speak my language. When I'm having a chat and giggle with mates on the phone it doesn't bother him at all. He couldn't care less. He's learnt lots of words and phrases in the 6 years we've been together. Some times he'll use them really unexpectedly & we joke about that too.

He's interested in my culture so, he learns. He also doesn't expect us to be culturally the same - Yes I talk about visas, family land, local issues etc because theyre relevant to my life and heritage.

I'm surprised you didn't marry a British, English speaking only man, if a man being of another culture annoys you and you can't even be bothered to learn the language after more than a decade.

FWIW when DP is on phone chatting with mates or watching F1 or in one of his 'I fancy watching an action film' phases I beat a hasty retreat to read, chat on phone in another room, go on MN, chat to DCs whatever. Or sometimes I'm sitting there but not taking it in as browsing online. It's just a complete non-issue.

You won't get far playing Mrs Watchie with your H, I don't think. Good luck though.

There are some cultures that are heavily into helping family financially. & Partners get roped into that. Wouldn't be for me but women are aware of all this and marry the man anyway. Going into it with eyes wide open, 10 years down the line irritated.

[DeeCeeCherry]

yetanothernamitynamechange

Creole/Kwéyòl?

(Just out of curiosity)

[FunTimes2020]

@EthelPullsItOff

This is less to do with him being from another culture and more to do with him being a dick.

He sounds completely disengaged from you and your three children and your family life. He's living a separate life with his 'other family'.

Sadly, I agree with this.

[Elsiebear90]

I think you and your children are clearly second place to his family, is he Muslim/Asian by any chance? I’ve always had a lot of Muslim and Asian friends and this has been an issue in quite a few of their families, where their husband/dad has put the needs and wants of his parents/siblings etc above his wife and children. He sounds like he’s not engaging with family life and is more invested in his own family with hours of phone calls every day to them, which imo seems very excessive.

I would ask yourself if you’re happy living like this forever because I wouldn’t be.

[nimbose]

I think you should make an effort to learn his first language. It must be so exhausting having to constantly speak in a second language in your own home, plus you could then raise your children to be bilingual together and they can be a part of both of your cultures?

Also, when I lived with a friend for a couple of years she was always on the phone to her family because she felt so homesick, perhaps this could be an issue?

[Yazkiz]

@Elsiebear90, yes he is.

[EvelynSalt]

On the basis that he ignores you, seems to expect you to do all childcare while he socialises for hours on end and is asking you to spend large sums of money on his family...I have to ask what you actually get out of this relationship?

I hope you didn't take on any debt to give his sister £10k

[EvelynSalt]

Sorry, my post came across a bit harsh - I'm just that anyone things the OP somehow deserves this crap because she hasn't been able to pick up a language (amongst working to pay bills then birthing and raising three kids)

[Yazkiz]

@EvelynSalt, no I'm not in debt because of the £10K. I'm not spending large sums of money on his family anymore. I have to think about our family's future.

[EvelynSalt]

[quote Yazkiz]@EvelynSalt, no I'm not in debt because of the £10K. I'm not spending large sums of money on his family anymore. I have to think about our family's future.[/quote]
Totally agree with you. Have you had any discussions with him about longer term planning, financially? Goals you're both working towards? As well as relationship expectations of course

[Yazkiz]

@all, thanks for your replies. I'm sorry I mentioned the language. It is more about culture and marriage . I was wondering is anyone else in the same situation as I described. On many occasions, we'd be going on family outings, I'd get the kids ready and we'd be waiting around for him to finish a call.
Of course, I've picked up some of the language and talk as much as I can. I'm still learning about the culture.
He is not homesick. Before, he came here, he worked in another foreign country (different culture to his and mine) for 10 years. I was working there too and that's where we met.

[AlexaShutUp]

Just because you met in a third country and he has been living abroad for years, OP, doesn't mean that he isn't homesick. Sometimes, the pull towards home gets stronger as we get older.

My DH is from another country/culture, we also met in a third country. He settled in the UK because of me, but he has never really liked it here. He also spends a lot of time of the phone, which I don't mind because the connections are important to him. He is also committed to supporting his extended family - a choice which I respect and which I accepted when I married him.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like either of you have very much respect for each other. He is not making any effort with family life, whereas you don't sound like you have made much effort to learn about his language or culture. Pretty crap on both sides tbh. Whether or not it can be salvaged will depend on how much of a will there is on either side. Have you talked to him about the phone calls and what you want from him? Have you asked him why he spends so much time talking to other people rather than his own wife and children? Have you explained how that makes you feel? Do you know how he feels?

Intercultural marriages can be very rewarding and enriching, but they are never easy. They require really good, open, honest communication and lots of give and take on both sides. It will never work if one person in the relationship expects the other to make all the compromises.

[purrswhileheeats]

I knew the language would be Arabic got the t shirt

Did he move from Syria to an EU country and then to the UK?

[yetanothernamitynamechange]

@DeeCeeCherry

yetanothernamitynamechange

Creole/Kwéyòl?

(Just out of curiosity)

No, although ironically I actually speak better Krio than he does due to having friends that speak it (and also having English as a mother tongue gives me an advantage whilst he is Francophone.) If it was Creole/Kweyol/Krio it would be more straightfoward since there are more resources for practising that. e.g www.bbc.com/pidgin/world-54983682 . Its a local African language (one of more than 260 spoken in his country, so if I said what it was it would be incredibly identifying).

[yetanothernamitynamechange]

But also OP, while there are cultural differences it also sounds like he is eing a d*ck. cross-cultural relationships can be hard since it can be difficult to tell where a cultural difference tips into disrespect (and also how far do you want to define it. Someone from the same country as you could have a "culture" within his family that the mother cooks and cleans and brings food to the table for the adult sons and husband while they sit about. or a "culture" that they resolve differences by ignoring each other for 3 days. That doesnt mean you blindly accept it.) Also, there can be things he does that would be less acceptable in his culture, but that you dont mind because you dont even see it as an issue. In this way sometimes Ive noticed men tend to get the best of both worlds while the women lose out (Ive also seen this with UK men in relationships with women from other parts of the world. It seems to cut both ways).

[yetanothernamitynamechange]

(That is also why I think having good female friends from the same background can be very helpful, but of course this isn't always possible)

[TheTeenageYears]

How much help did you get from family when you got together/married? My understanding of some cultures is you get the help in the beginning but are expected to repay that to other family members. Cultural differences can be very tricky, particularly with regard to families. There is however no reason for DH to be permanently available to others outside your immediate family unit at the detriment of his DW & DC. There needs to be some boundaries in place on how much time DH spends on the phone and opting out of your family life, culture doesn't change that. Open plan living might not be for you, is it possible to create a separate space and if you did would he actually use it or would he say "it's my home, I'll sit wherever I want to and use the phone".