Would you date someone in this situation?

[Amberystyle]

NC. Please don’t attack me for this!

Dated someone 5 times now, we get on reasonably well and I do like him. However... we have wildly different income and views on money. I earn over 50k, he earns 28k. This is unlikely to change in the near future if at all if he stays in current line of work. I could earn more (if I get off my backside and put the work in), but probably will end up around the 120k mark if I carry on as I am. The next few years more like 65k though...it’s a long career ladder! He’s 41 I’m 30.

He hasn’t bought his own place, he rents and says that’s what he will continue to do as he’s never really saved. He’s never offered to pay during a dinner...We always split it which I don’t mind but he often orders alcohol that costs more than my lemonade!

We’ve sort of addressed the disparity in jest and he seems to think that it’s almost romantic that we differ here...he says we can both teach each other something

I’m by no means money obsessed and it’s less about his actual earnings and more that he doesn’t seem to have any aspirations for security if that makes sense? He also asked me what I earned on our first date which is the only reason I know his pay!

Would any of this put you off or am I being a bit of a dick here?

[YellowBeryl1]

Dump him OP. He has no ambition but you do, you'll feel frustrated with him. Unless you're happy to be breadwinner and him be a stay at home dad?

[jessstan1]

I think the fact that he asked about your salary on first date was a red flag. Most men, even if they are low earners, would make an effort to treat you to a meal or something, even if not every week - perhaps on pay day - and plan the odd surprise. However it's only been five weeks.

I don't think a disparity in income is all that terrible as long as lower earner shows willing and you get on but it all depends what you want from the relationship. If you are hoping for marriage and children, it's a whole different ball game and both parties have to lay their cards on the table.

I totally understand him being content to rent, he can hardly afford to do anything else on his salary. He is very lucky to be paying such a low rent too.

I've only read page one so don't know if he has been married or has a child or children to support. I agree with others that he sounds like someone in his 20s rather than 40s but who knows, he might shape up. Is he qualified to do anything that pays better?

Just don't get too involved heart-wise! Enjoy it for what it is for as long as you want but keep your options open.

[Hailtomyteeth]

You'll end up resenting him. Let him go.

[Rainbowqueeen]

Nope nope nopity nope

Don’t settle. Or waste time on a non starter. This is the way he will be forever. You deserve better

[PerveenMistry]

@Love51

He asked what you earned on the first date? Is that a thing?

That would be a dealbreaker for me. Crass, and what's it to him? Just no.

[Palavah]

Also do not underrestimate how much of a catch a 31 year old is to a 40 year old man.

[Palavah]

Nah. You want more. He's already taking the piss.

And I wouldn't bother shagging him just to find out. It's cold and dark and lockdown and if he's vaguely competent there's too much of a risk that you'll catch feelings from the oxytocin and before you know where you are it's March 2021 and he's sapped the life out of you.

You're 31. You have time. Don't waste it.

[billy1966]

He sounds so grim.
And mean.
And a waster.

OP, for goodness sake ANY man is not better that being alone.

He is a disaster waiting for a truly desperate woman.

No surprise he is 41 and single.

Could he have been more obvious asking for your salary.

Awful.
Bin.

[ReneeRol]

You're already frustrated with him. You have different values and ambitions. Find someone that makes you happy.

[MaeveDidIt]

Aquamarine1029 Thu 29-Oct-20 14:13:36
He's 41 and earns and lives like a man in his 20's. Big fat NO. I'd be asking myself why he's so interested in my salary. I smell a cocklodger afoot. You can do much better.

THIS """"""!!

I think it's very telling that he had the cheek to ask you how much you earned. It's obviously very high on his appraisal list of you.

IMO he should have done much better for himself by now and is looking for someone who will prop him up and be able to afford the finer things in life and you will resent him in the end because your wants and ambitions are too far apart.

You're paying for the cheapskates alcohol already!

Get rid you can do much better.

[Regularsizedrudy]

I think huge income differences rarely work out and leads to resentment. It doesn’t sounds like youre head over heels with him anyway, I’d let him go.

[ButamIbothered]

Awkward, cringe, classless. Sorry OP but this should signal a big fat No. Please don't sell yourself short.

[Amberystyle]

I’m not sure why I told him to be honest, I was so shocked by it I just said around 50k. It was awkward. He’s nice and we got on but it’s all well and good someone being all above needing money, all you need is to be happy etc etc until you can’t pay the utility bill!

[MustardMitt]

It really depends on whether he’s on £28k because he’s a nurse or £28k happy to be team leader at Sainsbury’s. Nothing wrong with either, but it just might be deal breaker in terms of his earning potential and his lifetime expectations.

[KenzoBaby]

I can't get past him asking you what you earn on a first date. And you telling him?!!

[PicsInRed]

He hasn’t bought his own place, he rents and says that’s what he will continue to do as he’s never really saved.

I was on the fence until here - you simply arent financially compatible. With that attitude, he'll be a drag on you and impede your ability to save for your future and retirement.

He’s never offered to pay during a dinner...We always split it which I don’t mind but he often orders alcohol that costs more than my lemonade!

he seems to think that it’s almost romantic that we differ here...he says we can both teach each other something

He also asked me what I earned on our first date which is the only reason I know his pay!

Obvious cocklodger.

[CrimsonCattery]

@Aquamarine1029

He's 41 and earns and lives like a man in his 20's. Big fat NO. I'd be asking myself why he's so interested in my salary. I smell a cocklodger afoot. You can do much better.

What a hugely snooty and classist comment!

It is very, very normal for people to earn like this. He is only slightly below the median average wage and does not live in the wealthier South East. Home ownership is 63% so he is not particularly unusual there either. I say that as someone who bought a small house near Leeds in my mid 20s on a lower salary than him.

I agree that in OPs position, I would likely bin him off BUT that would be for the pushy questions and selfishness in paying for dates.

I say this as a 31 yo who earns similarly to OP and my boyfriend earns minimum wage and lives in a houseshare. He is looking for better work and isn't grabby about money at all. I live relatively frugally and have a lodger so don't need a flashy partner.

[OverTheRubicon]

@QualityFeet

He asked how much you earn. He orders more expensive items and you sub them when you split the bill and he thinks he can teach you things? Plus he is older than you. God no. Then no some more and then fuck no. The first sign of mean right arsed but himself first behaviour and it needs to be no.

^This this this. He's a horrible combination of materialistic and either stingy or stony broke. He's not seeing romance, he's seeing a meal ticket. Disparity of earning can be absolutely fine, but not with him. Run run run...

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

The money thing wouldn’t bother me as long as he can pay his half. I like a work ethic, salary comes second to that. A good work ethic to me means in bad times they will take anything and not be picky so they can support themselves.

I’d not find it off putting he didn’t pay in full simply because he’s male. I’ve taught my sons to go 50/50 and to run a mile of a date expects to paid for.

I would have found it strange he asked about salaries on the first date. I know salary is important to many in a partner but it would put me off.

[BeanieB2020]

Nope.

If I was in an established relationship at a younger age and this situation is what happened in the future I wouldn't leave the other person because of it, but I would not choose to start a relationship in the situation.

[Amberystyle]

I do get that it isn’t easy to buy somewhere...it’s more that he doesn’t think it is something to work towards. Each to their own I guess but he’s throwing 580 away every month and not at all concerned about having no savings at all.

Back to the drawing board. Sigh.

[QualityFeet]

He asked how much you earn. He orders more expensive items and you sub them when you split the bill and he thinks he can teach you things? Plus he is older than you. God no. Then no some more and then fuck no. The first sign of mean right arsed but himself first behaviour and it needs to be no.

[wizzbangfizz]

Hmmmm 41 and not settled down, renting, no ambition - it would be a hard no from me OP.

[SarahAndQuack]

The money disparity wouldn't worry me, nor the amount he earns. (But I am 36, and earn the same, and also rent). I would say that, unless he has wealthy family behind him, it may well be that renting is the practical choice on that salary and that's why he has become a bit blase about it.

But asking you how much you earn on a first date is really, really weird and would ring alarm bells for me.

[SnuggyBuggy]

A difference in earnings isn't necessarily a problem but a different attitude to money is a huge one.

If you're just looking for someone to date it's not so bad but someone to eventually move in and commit with I wouldn't do it.