Have a happy period!

Aparently "true".. but probaby not..you know how it is.. amusing nonetheless...

Dear Mr. Thomas,

I have been a loyal user of your "Always Maxi Pads" for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the "LeakGuard Core" (tm) or "Dri-Weave" (tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary "Flexi-Wings". Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realise how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a mnstral period, Mr. Thomas? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven 't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through me. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager of Proctor & Gamble's Femnine Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo".

Therefore, you must be well aware of the bloating, puffiness, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Susan fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought "Casualty" was written by a bunch of drunken chimps from London Zoo.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realise
that England is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, I opened an "Always maxi-pad", and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

"Have a Happy Period."

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing, happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S & M freak-girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Paracetamol and Baileys and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Sainsbury's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, as I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your "Flexi-Wings", I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsit.

And that's a promise I will keep ...........Always.

Best Regards,

Wendy Stevens

Basingstoke , Hants