This topic has been met with hot debate since I first detached from the reality of my life and became uncontrollably suicidal at the thought of co-parenting with my narcissistic ex and his family who hides and supports the abuse of my child. My child was now fully aware of his life experience and wanted to escape. As planning for this would have affected both our sense of security I wasn't sure how to handle it.
Did I miss the NCC meeting that discussed how to manage the abuse of your partner and the affects on your child?
Did the skip the chapter in my what to expect book which detailed how how to deal with abusive fathers. #SORRYNOTSORRY
Honestly if mothers need to be taught to know how to put them down for a nap, they have no hope in navigating the abuse of their partners.
Well luckily I do have natural instinct as a parent, in default mode:
- Your father loves you
- It's not your fault
- Just do as he says and it won't be so bad
- Find away to escape in your mind.
What I found out in lockdown is that our basics needs, such as a sense of safety, surface when avoidance tactics are removed.
I was no longer able to contain my son's feelings of abuse and I need help managing it. I contacted social services despite knowing how incompetent they are. The signs of extreme emotional abuse were clear based on my son requesting the police come, and his father repeatedly taking his phone aggressively and shouting abuse at me, then hanging up. Being a people pleaser means that when there is conflict you don't just run you adapt. But refusing to allow me to speak to my son to see what sort of support he needed, meant this was a situation that needed professional help. I was extremely hesitate, and insisted my son confirmed it's because of danger not rules. Social services never even looked at my son's SOS calls before saying he wasn't at risk of harm - 3 weeks after not suggesting out verbal agreement should be amended, and for the second time they have removed my parental rights to protect my child from harm.
'Contact at all cost' seems to be the view of the courts. But my rights as woman, demands that my voice heard.
NOT AT THE COST OF MY MENTAL HEALTH OR MY CHILD'S
It must have been a man who came up with the saying, 'contact at all cost', as no one with any empathy for the human rights of women and their children would coin that phrase.
If contact encourages suicidal thoughts, then the parent responsible should be charged for murder. The government who ignored request for help charged with assisted murder.
We have had change in the liability for social workers in the late 2015's but like the changes in coersive control, it's well known that counter allegations of harm are ignored the cost to the child to pursue such claims is higher than the risk claiming accountability.
Family History
My son is scared of his dad, and rightly so. Despite my ex admitting that he caused a 3 inch rope burn on a 5 year old child, 5 years ago, social services is still insist that my fault and I'm coaching my son. Although his father admits to using physical and emotional abuse to correct our son's learning disability - they have only offered my son therapy for something I have done which they have judged 'may' cause harm.
They insist that its my responsibility as a parent to manage the perception of my sons abuse better. Pff!
For example, I've been asked NOT to teach an 11 year old what is abuse as it will affect the relationship with the father. They have bluntly told me that they will not investigate my sons allegations and that I'm not to report him saying he was hit to the police. They have also belittled the fact that my ex restricted access to medical medical care for my son for 6 years, has alienated me from my support and essentially taken away any parental choice involving schools, seeing our family and creating a balanced routine. (we share care every other week) He has also outed my housemate for being gay and continuously threatens our living arrangments by instilling fear in my child by blocking holidays, refusing contact, being aggressive to me during contact, and well, he told my son he would be miserable at the school I spend 20k renting a flat in Notting Hill London to get place- Need I say more?
Another handful of popcorn later, you'd think this would be a concern for a childs safety. Nope. They want me to comply with my ex, stop causing so much fuss, and by all means - never mention to the child his feelings are valid.
This has rightly drivin me near mad, and has resulted in me refusing to agree to their therapeutic plan as it's not in the best interest of the child - the grand finale being that social services took my son from my care at the same time as I was paying £60 for an hour of coaching on how to reduce the tension my son has, without normalising or causing harm.
As his father now has care, he is saying he is going to sue and threats threats threats - same ol patterns but with the ignorant support of the government.
Did you know that social services control the police? That's scary.
When dealing with narcissistic fathers the abuse will never end. Walking away is the only option for sanity and to protect your child from more harm.
I feel it's my right as a women to say, 'enough. No more abuse.'
If the government won't help me, then I relinquish any parental responsibility.
There seems to be a discrepancy between the rights of a man to remove themself from the child's life, and the rights of a woman.
I'm burning my bra on this debate. Who's with me?
It's my right as a woman to
... not tolerate the abuse of a man
It's my right as a woman to
...protect my child from being used a pawn
It's my right as a woman to
...ensure my career is not affected by the power of a man.
It's my right as a woman to
...be able to have my voice heard, particularly when speaking on behave of a vulnerable child.
It's my right as a woman to
...be spoken to with respect and supported by the services that are build to protect our children. I can I be the support he needs, if I'm not?
It's my right as a woman to
...demand that my child's concerns are weighted more than view of fairness to the other parent
It's my right as a woman to
...expect equal treatment that a man receives when he walks away from his child
It's my right as a woman to
...insist on fair investigations into child abuse and to not hear judgement of child safety's in care of a father unless the evidence is reviewed.
It's my right as a woman to
...not be restricted on the emotional support she offers her child
It's my right as a woman to
... be guided and educated, not punished and publicly shamed.
It's my right as a woman to
...remove any person from my life that tries to control me through shame.
It's my right as a woman to
...withdraw my loyalty to anyone who doubts me
It's my right as a woman to
...love freely, with whom, and how I please. Or for how ever many for that matter!
It's my right as a woman to
...maintain my uniqueness and not allow the suggestions of others to change me without reason
It's my right as a woman to
...act in the best interest of my child without fear of judgement from others to harm him
It's my right as a woman to...
be involved in choices which affect the course of my son's life.
It's my right as a woman to
...feel safe reporting the abuse of a man to authorities
It's my right as a woman to
...create boundaries of how I am spoken to by authorities
It's my right as a woman to
...see my family without consideration for how the men in my life may respond.
It's my right as a woman to
... speak openingly about the concerns I have for my safety and my childs, without risk of percussion.
It's my right as a woman to
... be valued for the goddess within me, not for the first impression projected due to years of disempowerment and confusion. I am lost in the darkness.
It's my right as a woman to
... to remove the darkness that holds me back, so that I may shine bright so that others can follow.