Voices we don't hear from - a child of surrogacy

[OhHolyJesus]

I've found MN to be a source of voices we don't hear from, like trans widows and children of transitoners, children born from are not voices we often hear.

Surrogacy is often portrayed as positive, focusing on an infertile woman having her wishes come true by the kind and generous surrogate mother, bestowing the biggest give one can give...and all that BS.

This is Kylee, a 36 year old woman who was "Donor Conceived". Even if this short video you can see how she is struggling to express herself but she does so clearly and intelligently. I'm going to check out her blog too, there are clearly more like her.

twitter.com/StopSurrogacy/status/1246122272093540353?s=20

[Winesalot]

I am keen to watch this. I have often wondered about how children of surrogates feel. Thanks for sharing.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

I think she was an egg donor, not donor conceived.

[AldiAisleOfCrap]

Am confused she wasn’t donor conceived she was an egg donor.

[Coyoacan]

Well actually she is an egg donor who suffered serious health consequences, a stroke and infertility, thanks to this treatment. This video came up afterwards

[Coyoacan]

Minute 15:00, part of the process entails Lupron

[OhHolyJesus]

Just to clarify, she came to be via a commercial surrogacy arrangement. I'm quoting her phrasing, this particular video doesn't give the details but I understood that she was conceived as a result of either r a donor egg or donor sperm, or possibly both.

The bit that struck me most was how she spoke of how she made her "social mother's" (again her phrasing not mine) wish come true and the expectations that followed.

I don't want to distract from her words or confuse, Kylee can explain it better than I can.

This is in the context of the commercial surrogacy bill in NYC earlier this month. It was snuck through, very late and in an underhanded way if you ask me.

[OhHolyJesus]

Oh god sorry all, I shared the wrong bloody video.

It's Jessica not Kylee, I'm so sorry! No wonder you were confused, my mistake.

Here is the one I meant to C&P:

[OhHolyJesus]

Article from 2014.

nypost.com/2014/06/16/children-of-surrogacy-campaign-to-outlaw-the-practice/

And background

thembeforeus.com/jessica-kern/

[FannyCann]

Very interesting, thanks for posting @OhHolyJesus

[Goosefoot]

Honestly, I don't know how surrogacy can be anything other than than the giving away of a child, or selling of a child.

[makingmiracles]

So in America the child can be unrelated to both intended mother and father? Is that what she’s saying, she was raised by non biological parents? In the U.K. one parent must be the biological parent.

I think her story is sad and has obviously caused significant trauma/issues for her but she’s one person out of thousands and thousands of surrogate children/adults. There are always going to be a few cases in any given situation where something doesn’t work out, much the same way as there will always be some people who abuse their biological children.

As much as I feel for her I wonder how much of her trauma/psych issues she is pinning on the fact she was doner conceived....like she doesn’t say what the issues were with her “social mum” but I wonder if things would of been the same if they shared the same biology, some people do not get along with their parents for whatever reason and it kinda feels like she’s blaming the fact she was doner conceived on her life/relationship with her parents.

[Goosefoot]

No, her dad was the biological dad, but her surrogate mum was her biological mother.

She feels that her bio mum basically sold her.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

From the longer video (which was absolutely shocking, and their stories were tragic), this link may be useful: www.lupronvictimshub.com/

[Haworthia]

She feels that her bio mum basically sold her.

It’s easy to imagine why.

Most people seem to think of surrogates being mere incubators and not the baby’s biological mother, whereas in fact, that was not the norm. Surrogacy, when it began in the U.K., was always about the surrogate being the biological mother. It’s called straight or traditional surrogacy, right?

Basically all of the adults out there born to surrogates will have been given up by their biological mothers. I doubt any research has ever been done - too contentious. But I’m sure there are a lot of parallels with adopted children.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

Wow, she (Jessica) is so articulate, and so clear.

[CayrolBaaaskin]

I don’t agree that surrogacy is always wrong. Maybe some children of surrogates struggle with it but so do some Adopted children, and children born of donor sperm and eggs. And some children have plenty issues with their biological parents who brought them up. That’s life.

[Goosefoot]

Yes, some babies who were actually sold end up being well balanced individuals too, and maybe their circumstances are better than they would have been. That isn't really the whole issue though. It's a matter of whether we institutionally create these situations where children are treated as commodities.

That doesn't happen in adoption. Even in the past it was a product of bad circumstances rather than a planned thing, and today some effort goes into it being child centred - finding the best situation for an already existing child.

[Iggypoppie]

I read about an American TV presenter who had a child with an egg donor, a sperm donor and a surrogate...

[Haworthia]

Now that is fascinating @Iggypoppie

Situations like that are all about the (intended? commissioning?) parent’s feelings IMO. Not wanting the surrogate to be biologically related to the child, so having to insist on an egg donor. Which leaves a child with no less than four “parents” involved in their creation. What a headfuck.

[bettybeans]

She's absolutely right about the absence of consent and the needs of those who want a child overriding those of the child itself. Sure, some may work out, but what an enormous risk to take with the emotional and psychological well-being of a human being. It's not even unlikely that a child (and then adult) will struggle to process the story of how they came about - it's totally understandable. It's not like we don't know that abandonment or lack of connection with biological parents is often a horribly painful and problematic situation.

Plus, it's selling babies. We don't have a right to be parents, we're just very lucky if we want to and can do it.

[testing987654321]

It's not even unlikely that a child (and then adult) will struggle to process the story of how they came about - it's totally understandable.

This. We can't avoid the psychological pain of adoption, it's only done because their parents aren't capable of looking after them, for some reason.

To bring children into the world via surrogacy is not about the children's well-being at all, it's entirely about the parents.

[Ereshkigalangcleg]

I don’t agree that surrogacy is always wrong.

In what circumstances do you think it's right?

[Pixieblu]

Well I think surrogacy is always wrong. I think donor conception and gamete donation are also wrong. I do not believe everyone has a right to be a parent and to go about it in ways that will be detrimental to the child's future emotional health and sense of self.

I do not believe in parenthood at all costs or that women's bodies should be up for rent. That is all

[Oncewasblueandyellowtwo]

Can the intended parents/parent,have contact with the mother/the gestational carrier/gestational surrogate/traditional surrogate if they go through an agency?

[OhHolyJesus]

Parents and surrogates can be in touch whether an agency is involved or not Once its a matter of if they want to.

I'm reading The Unexpected Mother where the surrogate mother, Susan, was in touch with the parents through both pregnancies. They went to dinner with her own kids (she was separated from her husband) and she writes she never had a real friendship with them, the mother was always distracted and disengaged, but all was fine in terms of contact until they split up and decided they didn't want the twins she was currently pregnant with. They already had a son she had made for them but they were essentially cancelling the follow up order.

Just because you can be in contact during and afterwards doesn't mean you form life long friendships and get to know how the child is and can ensure the child has a happy childhood. (I still worry about Baby Pipah and how she will grow up with a paedophile for a father.)

The Uk consultation has something about 'double donation' I think, so this would change the law to allow it to be that a baby is born of a surrogate mother and, other than the mitochondrial DNA, has no relation to anyone other than the egg donor and sperm donor. Imagine trying to trace your biological parents in that scenario...