Drink spiking and an uncomfortable situation

[CoffeeAndEyeliner]

Hi all,
I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place for this but I don’t know who else to talk to who might understand. Please go easy on me it’s not my proudest moment.

I’m really only looking for opinions I guess to settle my own mind. This happened a few years ago and still bothers me from time to time.

Basically, I got myself in to what could have been a nasty situation and I’m torn between feeling suspicious that the man I was with spiked my drink and feeling like he was helping me while drunk.

I was at a work conference. Dinner time came and I had two courses (starter and main) of stodgy vegetarian food. I had only water with my meal. Between main and dessert they had an alcohol tasting game- had to smell and taste the spirit and match it to a description. I was tasting it but literally just a taste (as in no swallowing required). I didn’t feel drunk after this.

After the meal a man from the same company but a different office sat by me and chatted to me. We talked for a while and drank red wine. He seemed nice (not in a sexual way. About as old as my dad and I am also happily married). In total I might have had a bottle (maybe not even that) in the space of about 4 hours.

At about 11 he said ‘you look like you should get to bed’. I was reading a great book at the time and thought if I went up then I could get some reading time in before I had to sleep.

He told me he’d walk me to my room. I said no and he kept insisting. I kept saying no. He said he couldn’t let me go alone in case something were to happen to me. So I said ok.
I guess I assessed the situation. The lady that was in the room across the hall from me had just gone up to bed, there were people all around in rooms. He was a colleague.
On the walk to my room he started talking about how nice my body was and was touching my legs. I asked him to stop and he did.

When we got to my room he asked if he could have coffee. I said no but he kept asking and saying that he was too drunk to make it back to his room without coffee to sober him up. I relented. I told him he could have one and then he had to go. At this point I felt a little merry but not drunk. I propped the door open and filled the kettle.

This is when it gets a little dodgy. I was filling the kettle and it was like I was hot by a tonne of bricks. I felt dizzy and sick and could barely stand. I told him he had to go now as I thought I’d be sick.
I was by far the illest i’d ever been. I was collapsed by the toilet vomiting profusely and shaking. I remember looking at him and he was sipping the coffee that he’d made himself and watching me puke.

He finally left and I laid down on the bathroom floor and passed out.

I have a vague memory of being put in to bed and being sick again badly.

I woke up the next morning to find that he’d let himself back in to my room. He was the one who’d put me in to bed. He’d slept in his underwear in the same bed as me.
I woke up when he got up to get dressed in the morning. He gave the impression that he didn’t expect me to be awake. He was talking a lot and rambled some weird story about getting in to trouble at a previous conference because he stayed in another young lady’s bedroom because she forgot that she said he could stay there.

I don’t know what to think.
I don’t expect anyone to know my personal tolerance for alcohol but I felt merry up until the point where I was floored. It came on so quickly. That, and the way he insisted on walking me to my room and coming in made me think it was a plan. But maybe he didn’t expect me to be so violently ill.

On the other hand, I know for sure I wasn’t assaulted (tights were still up around my tits) and I know that he’d flown to the conference. You wouldn’t risk bringing drugs on a flight would you? Also, you could spin the situation and see it as him helping a drunk young lady.
I remember pretty much everything as well which surely would defeat the purpose of spiking someone’s drink?

I think this really bothers me because of the poor decision making on my part, the ambiguity and the fact that but for the grace of god I could have been assaulted.

Any opinions or advice is welcome. I still struggle with it a couple of years later.

Thanks for reading

[CheerioHunter]

So he's sat there casually drinking his coffee while watching you be sick?
He leaves while you're still (just) conscious, then let's himself back in when you're not?
He's helped you in to bed, but then feels the need to get undressed (to his boxers) and get in it too?

IF he was 100% being an helpful guy, there's so many things he should have done differently.

Why didn't he try to help while you were being sick?
Why leave at the point you could potentially pass out and choke?
Why didn't he alert other colleagues and a few come back to help?
If he came back, why didn't he look for your phone to ring a friend etc?
If he had to help you in to bed, and wanted to stay to make sure you were okay, why didn't he sleep clothed on the sofa / chair etc?

[userschmoozer]

You sound like you are blaming yourself, but it was his behaviour that was wrong, not yours.

''He told me he’d walk me to my room. I said no and he kept insisting. I kept saying no''.
Ignoring you or overriding you when you say 'no' is a red flag. Many women use at least one 'no' as a test to see how a man will react. (For example, refuse a drink.)

Work out a plan of action for the next conference; don't be afraid to get staff involved if you get stuck in a similar situation. Carry a personal alarm. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to make a noise or a fuss.

This is a link to download The Gift of Fear, which you might find useful;
the-eye.eu/public/Books/Radical%20Feminist%20Literature/Gavin%20de%20Becker/The%20Gift%20of%20Fear%20%28123%29/The%20Gift%20of%20Fear%20-%20Gavin%20de%20Becker.pdf

[feministfairy]

Poor you Coffee. He took advantage of you. He repeatedly ignored you saying no and he breached your boundaries by coming back into your room.

Most women have been in similar positions at some stage - it's not your fault. You made your wishes very clear and he ignored you. Vile man. Would you maybe consider talking to someone in real life ? Would that help?

[MyDearSweetSummerChild]

Just to say that I can completely see why you felt uncomfortable and I think the thing that would make me sway towards him being inappropriate would be him pressuring you to walk you to your room, then to come in, then not leave, then sleep in the same bed as you.

None of this is a “helpful” person, walk to your room - fine but once you’re there I think that’s enough.

I know what you mean about bad decisions, a few years ago I was in an ridiculously expensive WAG type upmarket club with a friend (not my choice), we’d both had a really tough week personally and decided to drown our sorrows. I also have a very strong stomach for alcohol and we’d both had a full dinner.
I had 2 cocktails and a glass of free champagne from the barman
I vaguely remember arguing with my friend that I didn’t feel well and wanted to go home (didn’t want to leave her alone) she told me to F-off as she was having fun. I then locked myself on the ladies bathroom in a cubicle for what turned out to be over 5 hours, I’d passed out and had no memory.

My friend passed out / fell asleep in the bar. I came round when my find my iPhone pinged from my boyfriend who was expecting me home a few hours previous.

He came to collect us both and the barman was adamant he was taking my friend home as he lived nearby, we didn’t allow it (much to my friends dismay!)
I was ill the following day like nothing I’d ever experienced before or since.
I still feel to this day that it could very easily have been a lot worse if I’d have left my friend or my boyfriend hadn’t come to collect us.

I just want you to know that you aren’t alone and it’s not your fault. I’d also say that looking back there is no doubt in my mind that the barman has bad intentions, regardless of what others might want to think. You were in that situation and you know something isn’t right. Xxx

[MyDearSweetSummerChild]

Meant that to say “feeling like you’ve made bad decisions”

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you at sto blame at all!!!

[ALittleBitofVitriol]

I'm really sorry for your experience OP.
It sounds like you have more than enough reason to be suspicious, both of being drugged and taken advantage of, unfortunately.
He most certainly wasn't just being a nice guy - a nice guy respects your first no.

[DancelikeEmmaGoldman]

He wasn’t helping you. He might or might not have spiked your drink, but his behaviour was, at best inappropriate and disturbing.

Had he really been concerned he would not have over-ridden your objections to him accompanying you and perhaps asked one of the other women to assist you.

He was talking a lot and rambled some weird story about getting in to trouble at a previous conference because he stayed in another young lady’s bedroom because she forgot that she said he could stay there.

She didn’t forget and neither did he. He’s a pervert.

He gets away with it because we women are so socialised to be nice, that we have trouble over-riding that, even when our own safety is at stake.

You did nothing wrong. You didn’t cause this through drinking too much/allowing him in/not saying no enough/any of the other reasons women are blamed for assault.

You were targeted by a predator for his own, perverse, satisfaction. I’ll bet if you raise his name with the women he works with, sooner or later they’ll call him creepy.

And of course it’s possible to carry drugs on a plane - nobody is going to search for a couple of rohypnol or whatever in a bottle of ibuprofen or a luggage pocket.

There may not be much you can do about it at this distance, except stop blaming yourself for being the victim of an experienced sexual predator.

[Deliriumoftheendless]

You’re not at fault.

This man is a predator.

I’m sorry that probably doesn’t help you much but you must stop blaming yourself.

Years ago I got very drunk and went home with a guy I knew through friends. I was in a weird place and was prepared to sleep with him even though I didn’t fancy him as I felt I ought to. Before anything happened he said “you’re not into this, I’m not comfortable with that. “ he then made sure I was safe and slept in the living room.

He’s been my best friend for about 15 years now. He has been a genuine help to me.

This man is not like that.

[butteryellow]

I bet if you think back, the reason you drank that full bottle was because he was very quick to top you up. I've had it happen to me - a predator who's constantly refilling your glass, so you completely lose track of how much you've drunk. When around one I remember, I actually used to put my hand over my glass, and carry it next to me rather than leave it on the table, because he was so sneaky at putting more in.

You weren't at fault OP, you didn't make bad decisions, he was hunting you.

[jellyfrizz]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I would report it to your HR department, he is preying on women at work events and it sounds as though he has previous form for this.

[CatandtheFiddle]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

He was a predator.

The thing that we learn, sadly, inevitably, is that even the "nice" men, the family men, the men-old-enough-to-be-my father can be predators.

It's tough knowledge, to know how much men (as a class or category) are taught to see women (as a class or category) as less than human.

I hope talking about it helps. You did NOTHING wrong

[Iamtheworst]

I recognise the “hitting you like a tonne of bricks”. I was drinking in a pub with friends during the day (ah uni) and had a couple but definitely not pissed and I definitely new my limits then. Coming back from the loo I went from having a nice time to slurring my words and stumbling. Even at the time I new I’d been drugged. Felt completely different from drunk and it came on way to suddenly.
I didn’t forget everything but enough that I couldn’t have made anyone else understand what happened next. Grim as fuck.
After that experience I would scream until I got police/medical attention. Not dignified at the time but a legitimate solution.

[hackmum]

He was a predator. He almost certainly spiked your drink and he definitely intended to rape you.

You were being nice and trusting, because that's how women are socialised. But no decent man would have insisted on coming into your room and having coffee. No decent man would have slept in your bed.

[Bobfossil2]

It’s also not impossible that he spiked your drink with more alcohol and you didn’t notice.

The fact that he came back to your room and stayed in your bed is horrifying and I am so sorry for you. You must feel so shaken up. Your post reads a little like you’re blaming yourself but you mustn’t. This man is a predator

[Arnoldthecat]

This is totally wrong,he took advantage. Sadly this happens all too often at hotel stays with work. I've known similar tales at places i have worked at. I have even known a male employee jailed for rape at a post work hotel stay where he invited himself back to a female colleagues hotel room late in the evening and she wasnt assertive enough to shut him out/tell him to fuck off.

[Chocolate1984]

I'm sure I was drugged 18 years ago and everything sounds similar to your story. We were having a flat party where I had one home measure of spirits. I was mingling, felt tipsy, happy and then all of a sudden I was staggering around, dizzy. A boy helped me to my room where I couldn't stop vomiting, I was crying on the floor and generally felt awful. My flat mate came in, told the boy to get out, she said I collapsed on the bed and she left me fully clothed on top of the bed. The next morning I woke up with my top on, my pants on and my trousers neatly folded on the floor. I can remember everything up to collapsing the bed. Everyone commented on how wasted I was, they've never seen me so drunk but I know I didn't have enough to get drunk. I've drank a lot more and never been sick or felt like that. The next day I didn't have a hangover but I felt disoriented.

I'm sorry but I think he drugged you. I think you should speak to someone in your company about it. Everything he did was wrong. Touching your leg, insisting he came in your room, letting himself into your room, stripping down to his pants. That is not ok.

[ForgivenessIsDivine]

You should look around your company and find out how to report this to HR. From what I understand he works in another country so somehow it needs to be communicated at a regional level.

None of this is your fault but you should ensure that you can make informed decisions about whether you wish to attend any events where this man is also present.

Also, if there have been previous incidents, this information alone might be enough for disciplinary action to be taken.

[CoffeeAndEyeliner]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. I meant to respond earlier but couldn’t log in for some reason.

for all the ladies with similar stories.

I feel more confident now that he had bad intentions and more certain the my drink was spiked. For some reason I had been having a difficult time understanding how I was so drunk and feeling off about someone who may have been being kind.
After first considering my drink may have been spiked I asked a similar question on another message board (I can’t remember which one maybe a reddit board) and got a lot of replies telling me that he was just helping me and i should feel grateful that he was there.

Thank you for opening my eyes and talking me through it.

I don’t know if I’ll consider talking to someone in real life. I’m hoping that acknowledging that it was not my fault will make me feel more at peace with it.

And to those who suggested I should tell work. I said he was a colleague- without giving too much away, he works for our company but is not employed by them. I have also felt bashful raising it because I knew what a state my room was in the following day and they might just think I was drunk

@Userschmoozer I’ve been reading that link all through my lunch break. Fantastic!

Thank you again all

[Quartz2208]

Just because he didn’t physically sexually assault you doesn’t matter.

The fact he sat there sipping his coffee wastching you being ill makes me think that was the whole point - that is what he got his kick from. Then coming back and sleeping in the same bed as you

[MargueritaPink]

He told me he’d walk me to my room. I said no and he kept insisting. I kept saying no. He said he couldn’t let me go alone in case something were to happen to me

Because woman always have to be escorted to their hotel room. That was the first move. His behaviour is despicable.

[MargueritaPink]

No way on earth was he just helping you. If he had been genuinely worried he would have contacted reception.

[MargueritaPink]

Between main and dessert they had an alcohol tasting game- had to smell and taste the spirit and match it to a description

That is absolutely crap. No company should be playing drinking games at corporate events.

It also flies in the face of all diversity and inclysivity good practice. If one is a non drinker It's fairly easy to have a non alcoholic drink with your meal without there being an issue. But setting up a game where all the non- drinkers have to publicly opt out is not on.

[CoffeeAndEyeliner]

I did mention this to my boss the following Monday. Apparently the previous year they did something similar and a lot of people were very drunk and very unwell. It’s irresponsible and discriminatory

[MargueritaPink]

It is discriminatory. It discriminates against anyone who doesn't drink for religious reasons. It discriminates against anyone who can't / doesn't drink for health reasons. Those 2 are covered by discrimination legislation.

Those of us who simply don't drink much and/or find drinking games puerile aren't obviously protected (although even there there might be more women excluded than men) but generally it is divisive.

[EvaHarknessRose]

If he ‘got into trouble at a previous conference’ it is possible someone has made a previous company or police complaint about him?