Recommended reading - getting older

[Flamingoose]

I'm 40. I'm struggling a little bit with how I feel about getting older.

I have noticed myself become invisible - I don't mean to men, but to everyone. At work recently one of the (younger) women I work with threw a big party and invited everyone in the department but me. It wasn't because they don't know me or like me, and it wasn't in secret - they cheerfully told me stories about the hilarious goings on at the party. It just genuinely didn't occur to them to invite me. I feel like they don't see me as the same species as them.

I am aware of my looks and mostly am at peace with looking older, though I feel somehow aggrieved that it's all happening already. I was only just getting started!

I struggle to know how old I am... I know the physical number, but I look around and can't see where "my gang" is. I'm evidently not a bright young thing any more, but I'm not yet ready for gardening and bridge clubs. I know women older than me who are fabulous and clever and comfortable in their skin. When will the confidence and wisdom settle on me? I feel mousy and fading.

I recently moved to a new city and have struggled to make friends. I want to drink gin and discuss this with my old friends who I dearly miss, but I can't and skype just isn't the same.

I can't be the only woman to feel this way. In lieu of friends, are there any good books I can read to help me sort it all out in my head?

[AjasLipstick]

OP I mean this kindly but 40 isn't "old" and as a 45 year old I can say that I've never been overlooked for a party and have had younger colleagues ask me to gigs and coffee etc.

40 is still quite young in many ways...it sounds like it's more to do with your self esteem and the fact that you're in a new city.

Have you a partner? Or children? Or are you alone in your new city?

[Flamingoose]

I agree. It's not old. But I used to be bright and funny and busy and fun, and now I'm... not. And I look in the mirror and a tired, old woman looks back.

[Floisme]

I recognise what you say about becoming invisible - and yes, young women look through me just as often as men do. But I'm a good 20 years older than you and didn't really start noticing it until I hit my late 50s. I'm surprised you've become aware of it at such a young age but I imagine moving to a new city has accelerated it. I doubt it would have hit you just yet if you still had your old friends around.

I sympathise. It's quite a shock when you first realise someone has put you in a box because of your age. But I do wonder if you're doing a bit of that yourself e.g. when you talk about 'not being ready for gardening and bridge clubs.' I know that was just a throwaway line, and you do say you know some older women, but are you really the only person in your workplace over 39? Or are you only considering young colleagues as potential friends? I know nothing about bridge or gardening but I like a laugh and a gin (although admittedly I go home earlier these days). I can't help wondering whether you would ever find that out about me if I was your colleague, or whether you'd just see a 61 year-old woman and give me a wide berth?

I don't know any books, I'm afraid but I do hope you settle. I moved to a new city in my early 30s and it took at least 5 years before I really started to feel at home here. Give it time and be open to friendships from unlikely quarters.

[BeUpStanding]

I'm touching 40 and know exactly what you mean about the shock of realising younger people have put you in the 'old person' box. I also know exactly what you mean about becoming more invisible, but I find that a mixed blessing in many ways.

However, it sounds to me that your problem isn't about getting older, it's about moving to a new city and missing your friends. Have you tried Meet-Ups in your new city?

[Flamingoose]

Yes, the bit about bridge and gardening does sound shitty of me, doesn't it. Sorry. You've really made me think.

There's nothing wrong with gardening or bridge. But it's not what I want. I would be friends with you if you were 61 and wanted to drink gin and talk about interesting things and be hilariously bitchy about life. I would not necessarily have loads in common with you if you were 61 and into gardening and bridge.

I am not the oldest person at work. There are 4 people older than me apart from management.
John seems like a nice guy. I've chatted to him on the bus and thought about inviting him to a bbq.
Julie completely blanks me. I've tried to be friendly.
Gerry is an old sleeze who makes inappropriate comments about the students.
David never makes eye contact and drinks his tea in the bathroom corridor.

Then there's me.

Then there's about 30 lovely young things all having a whale of a time and throwing fabulous parties that John, Julie, Gerry, David and I are not a part of.

[Flamingoose]

BeUpStanding - 'shock' is exactly the right word for it.

[Floisme]

No need to apologise, I'm just as guilty of making assumptions about 80 year-olds, although I'm trying harder not to. The thing is, you probably wouldn't find out I like a gin and a laugh straight away. I'm not trying to defend the likes of Julie but I probably blank people at work sometimes too. It's not a good trait but I'm busy and there's a lot of coming and going in my workplace and half the time you don't know whether someone's a new member of staff or visiting from another site and only staying a week or two.

So don't write Julie off just yet. But meanwhile are there things you could get involved with outside of work?

[hipsterfun]

be hilariously bitchy about life

WTF is ‘hilariously bitchy’. Sounds very offputting, tbh.

[Flamingoose]

Thanks. I'll add "very offputting" to the list of reasons I'm sad and lonely.

[QuentinSummers]

flaming you might find this thread helpful
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3151369-Anyone-else-mid-forties-and-feeling-a-bit-lost?pg=1&order=

It is awful feeling left out at work, I've just finished working in a very cliquey team and it wasn't fun. Sounds like you need to take up some interests outside work Maybe?

[Floisme]

I feel for anyone starting over in a new workplace and a new city. As I said, it took me a few years to settle and the world was a much slower place then - we had induction programmes for new staff and took tea breaks. Hell we even had a canteen! You've made me think about how I probably come across at times with newcomers. I hope I'm not unfriendly but I'm sure I seem distracted sometimes - everyone has too much on to take time for new people.

Your workplace does sound very young too but, although I'm not denying that invisibility happens, it doesn't sound like the only thing that's going on. I think Quentin's right about trying to pursue some outside interests. Try not to be too downhearted. You say you've only moved recently - it does get easier.

[Flamingoose]

Thank you Quentin - that is a good thread, and useful for me too.

And thank you Floisme for the sympathy. It is tough starting over again. I've done it before - but I don't remember it being this hard last time. I have been here for 8 months and have literally not made a friend here yet. I've tried to be friendly and join in at work, I've joined a couple of exercise clubs, I've been taking lessons in (something a bit outing), I've straight out invited people to things, or suggested coffee, and just... nothing! I joined the PTA but everything I offered to do, they said "oh, Diane usually does that" or "Julie likes to do that" so I have just said to let me know if I can be of use, and have not heard from them since. I was even asked NOT to attend a work function by management because they felt there were too many people from my department going already. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at that one!