I'm angry at myself rather than the patriarchy

[Annaismyothername]

I need to vent without really needing answers. I am so angry at myself. My life could not be any further removed from feminism. Given the context of the society i live in. Given my education. Given the opportunities.

I have posted about things. It has helped a bit but ultimately there isn't a way to feel OK about any of it.

I asked about posters thoughts on some aspect of feminism, can't remember what, and I was brought crashing down by a simple answer of it doesn't matter so long as I have bodily autonomy. I found myself relentlessly googling trying to understand how I could have lived without understanding or embodying anything about such a simple basic principle.

I have fucked up in many ways and I can't undo that. I am so humbled by the experiences of others where everything was not "handed" to them. Where they have had to fight.

Maybe someone has amazing insight but probably not as this is a bit of a pointless self-indulgent vent. Maybe someone can relate to feeling like a disappointment.

I am so angry at myself and I need to move on.

[powershowerforanhour]

There will be enough people in the world happy to tell you that you aren't doing feminism enough, or that you're doing it wrong, so you don't need to spend too much time adding your own voice to the chorus.
It's a good thing to be self aware and do a bit of cool critical analysis, but don't be angry with yourself- you may have internalised a bit of sexism but don't internalise the anger as well.
Pour a bit of ice on it and concentrate on the future. Can you make some small changes to win a few little feminist victories in your life? Do you already vote, for example?

[EBearhug]

Your life could be further removed from feminism - for a start, you're posting here.

We have all fucked up in various ways. We've all done unfeminist things. Don't forget you only see what people choose to post, not the things they don't say. So don't be too hard on yourself. As powershower says, focus on the future. Direct the anger outwards and use the energy to do things, to improve things.

[JacquettaWoodville]

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Aka don't fret about what you didn't do yesterday and what might go wrong tomorrow.

Today you are interested. Today you can act on that interest. And if something happens that means you can't do it today, do it tomorrow or whenever you can.

Be at least as kind to yourself as you would to a friend, and you'll be doing well.

[BertrandRussell]

I second the be kind to yourself sentiment.

Is there anything specific you mean when you talk about your life being removed from feminism? Are there little things you can change? It's not all-or mostly- about big gestures.

[Annaismyothername]

Thank you for considered responses and taking me seriously. I don't feel like I always make sense. Sometimes I confuse thoughts about feminism and simple personal responsibility issues.

I know you'd be able to offer more with specific examples but I think I'll settle for the more general advice. I need to focus on now - and then maybe the future.

[sentia]

I think it's important to remember that comparison is the thief of joy. You are doing what you can do, it's less relevant what someone else does or would do in your position.

And you're also going through what I'm starting to understand as the stages of feminist understanding. It's a bit like the stages of grief - it starts with denial then you move on to anger. I'm still in the angry phase as well, sometimes at myself but more often at the world for being a rubbish place to be female. I hope at some point to move on from anger to acceptance of the things I cannot change and calm action to influence the things I can change!

It's tough. I console myself that there isn't an easy answer, and as EBear points out, we've all done unfeminist things - no one is perfect. What are the good things that you're happy about / proud of? Don't forget those in your weighing up.