Feminist Proposal

[falsealarms22]

Hi Everyone,

I'm looking for some advice on getting engaged, guy here (sorry):

We've been going out for 6 years nearly, lived together for 2.5 and I honestly can't see my ever being with anyone else. We have discussed marriage and my partner keeps making jokes about leap years etc. and leaving wedding websites open in the browser, so I know that the time is probably right. We're planning on moving abroad soon too so it would be good to get hitched before then.

Basically there are a number of things we find a bit weird about the traditional proposal/marriage setup - and I personally would find it totally badass if she proposed to me. However, as seems fairly typical, I have been the one dragging my heels for every life commitment, (moving in together etc.) and so I think it would mean a lot to her if I did the askin.

She's said she would hate a big flashy thing like on youtube, as would I, but I'm struggling for how to pitch it. I don't know how I feel about going down on one knee either, although I can see how it could be romantic, but to me it feels weird. On the other hand just having a chat seems underwhelming (although practical). She wasn't sure about a ring but I got hooked on this gemstone that changes colour in different lights (I'm a geologist) and went crazy and bought one... I might get her to get me one too to even it out!

Basically I want her to feel loved and treasured, but I want us to enter into to this as equals, and to avoid the weird power dynamic that I feel can be implicit in many proposal/wedding setups.

Thanks for reading, any advice would be most appreciated!

Mike

[VestalVirgin]

Draft a ... what's it called? Prenup? You know, one of those contracts for marriages where it says who gets how much in case of divorce and so on.
Specify how you intend to reimburse her for all damage to her career in case you later on refuse to do your share in childcare. Or your share in household chores. And so on.

In short, put yourself into the shoes of your intended's family and write something that would keep her safe even if she went on to marry an abusive jerk.

That way, you show her that you really care about her.

Also, I, a feminist, would never marry without such precautions, so you doing this in advance frees her up to immediately say "yes", which is more romantic.

[cadnowyllt]

I think I'd like to help - but what do you mean by the 'power dynamic'. Are either of you in a more 'powerful' situation than the other ?

[MrNoseybonk]

cad, he's talking about the proposal itself, but I can't decide whether the proposer or proposee has the most power.
The proposer appears to have the upper hand by taking the initiative, and puts the proposee in an awkward position of having to make a decision.
But on the other hand, the proposee has the power to turn down the proposal so really has the ultimate power here.

[MrNoseybonk]

cad, he's talking about the proposal itself, but I can't decide whether the proposer or proposee has the most power.
The proposer appears to have the upper hand by taking the initiative, and puts the proposee in an awkward position of having to make a decision.
But on the other hand, the proposee has the power to turn down the proposal so really has the ultimate power here.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Just propose - just make a better job of it than my dh did

• so when we get married what should the wedding be like?
  

We were both pretty drunk at the time and I told him he would have to make a better job of the proposal if he expected a yes.

Good luck asking, the ring sounds lovely.

[cadnowyllt]

Oh. Well I suppose there are just hurdles in life that one needs just get over in life - the more you overthink it, the more complicated it all gets.

[OneMoreCasualty]

"How about a spot of matrimony, old thing?"

Or
"I love you, I want to spend my life with you, will you marry me?"

The proposal is probably one of the least patriarchal parts, assuming you ain't asking her dad first...

[ItsbeenawhilesinceiMNed]

Ask her how she feels about you becoming Mr mike [her surname]?

[OneMoreCasualty]

Ha! I've got it!

"Placetne, magistra?"

[TheFallenMadonna]

Oh I would have swooned if DH had proposed to me in those words...

[TheFallenMadonna]

Just wanted to say swoon on FWR really....

[OneMoreCasualty]

[PassiveAgressiveQueen]

Mine asked over the phone whilst he was working away it was the line:

I don't like being away from you, i don't ever want to be away from you.

Simple honest, but then i hate big proposals.