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HELP I HAVE NEVER FELT AS BAD AS I DO NOW

9 replies

MsPoodleLover · 02/08/2014 15:45

I am so hurt I cant even begin to describe it.

I have been a feminist for as long as I can remember. I grew up in the 70s so as you can guess I am in my 50s. I feel really strongly about my opinions as I am sure you all do,which makes what my son has done all the worse. I am a member of OBJECT and feel really strongly about the sex trade (infact it makes me feel physically ill just the thought of it. My son is 21 years old and knows how I feel. I have just found out that he worked as a barman in a strip joint. He doesnt know that I know. I cant even bear to speak to him or even look at him. I dont know what to do. I feel now he has no respect for women at all, let alone me as his mother. I feel like I have been a shit mother.

OP posts:

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elfycat · 02/08/2014 15:56

A 21 year old with a job? Sounds like a good thing in the current market. A 19 year old I know has just got a position as a door-to-door charity sales rep. Not exactly a job I want to congratulate her on as I fucking hate them but I did because it's been a tough few years to get on the work ladder.

He was a barman, not a pimp. Would it have mattered in a nightclub where half the men are oogling underdressed women? OK it's not great from a feminist POV but it's his life, not yours.

It doesn't necessarily mean he has no respect for women. Did you see the jobcentre issues where they have to suggest some very suspect jobs to potential workers?

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OutragedFromLeeds · 02/08/2014 15:59

Really?!

I think you might want to get a grip.

At least talk to him about it.

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FuturePerfect · 02/08/2014 16:08

Crickey, what a lot of 'I's in your post.

Your son is not you.

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Darkesteyes · 02/08/2014 16:21

OP Im a feminist and twelve/thirteen years ago I worked in a sex chatline office.

I was signing on just before that and it was either the chatline or workfare.

I made some great friends at that office.

But because I worked there does that mean I cant self identify as a feminist. NO.

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FantasticButtocks · 02/08/2014 16:51

It sounds as though you expect your son to put your feelings ahead of his own. He took that job, made the decision as an adult. It is sad that you have taken his action as a personal insult against you, when that is probably far from his intention. It is unfortunate he has spent time working somewhere you disapprove of, but I imagine he didn't do it as an act against you and your feelings.

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elfycat · 02/08/2014 17:06

I'd suggest you should calm down a lot before you talk to your son. Consider that your agenda may have affected his ability to talk with you about so many things and then without having a parent to talk to about this stuff you may be pushing him into thinking the opposite. 'Oh mum wouldn't like this, but then she's so OTT I'll dismiss all of her views'.

Also consider that as your first post on MN, with the SHOUTY CAPITALS of the slightly over excited in your thread title, you are not coming across as sensible at all. No internet forum encourages that. That's just a little advice for if you come back to disagree with us, or argue you point further, that perhaps you need to calm it all down.

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Dervel · 02/08/2014 17:32

I suspect he'll find it a deeply depressing place to work in to be perfectly honest. If anything it could well calcify some feminist leanings you laid down raising him. You haven't failed in any way shape or form. Remember he's at a time of his life where he's striking out on his own, and often that involves a psychological distancing from parental values. Doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. Often when forged in the crucible of life experience we can often realize why our parents values are, well valuable.

That isn't trying to downplay your distaste, by all means you shouldn't sit on talking about what you find distasteful, but assuming you agree with me in that he is not in fact a strip club all by himself it might be worthwhile separating your son (something you love), with something you hate (strip clubs).

It is not in the least bit surprising you feel the way you do, but as others have said take a breath. I'm sure you've been a brilliant mum and will continue to be so. I hope it all works out.

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TheWholeOfTheSpoon · 02/08/2014 17:37

I think this is one of those situations where you need to recognise that this isn't about you.

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MsPoodleLover · 02/08/2014 18:50

Thank you Dervel,WholeoftheSpoon and FantasticButtocks. What you said helps - much more than get a grip.!