Did I do the wrong thing? My blood boiled and I called my BIL out......

[Greythorne]

Sitting on the beach with BIL and a cousin (let's call him Steve). Both men in their 40s. 5 DC around, including BIL's 3 sons aged 9, 6, 3.

BIL nudges Steve and sort of leers at a woman out of my sight line and says "Oi, what do you think to those? Are they real do you reckon?" (Obviously referring to a stranger's breasts.)

I stare into the middle distance stonily.

BIL goes again: So, what do you think? Are they real? Do you reckon they are real?

I say, 'you are not very subtle, you know' and walk down to the sea. He calls after me: 'Check them out, Greythorne! Do you think they are real?'

Finally, I walk back and say, 'you are showing a very bad example to your three boys. What you are doing is objectifying women and showing your boys it is ok. You are also sexualising a family day on the beach.'

Guess what? I have now been labelled a nag and humorless.

Did I do the wrong thing?

[KRITIQ]

No, you very much did the right thing. In calling someone out, whatever it is you are calling out about, quite alot of the time you WILL be labelled as something unpleasant. It's the other person's defensive reaction.

However, it doesn't mean that the challenge hasn't "got through" either to the person or to others around them. Sometimes things like this can plant a seed that later grows into understanding. And, even if the other person flatly denies any wrong-doing, it may have meaning for others in earshot.

It also means that they are clear that you don't collude with their bigotry. Bigoted folks tend to be so full of their own self-importance that they assume everyone agrees with them by default, even if they stay silent.

And, you have been true to yourself. I'd wager if you'd not said anything, you'd have felt worse for that.

If BIL holds a grudge and/or brings it up in future. Just prepare a short, stock response - something like, "You were the one who showed no respect for women like me and doesn't care whether your sons grow up to be women-haters," (or something like that.)

If others "take his side," don't sweat it. Seriously, it's not worth sweating it.

You did well!

[charitygirl]

You did the right thing OF COURSE.

[Greythorne]

Thx for the support.

My blood boiled because it was do disrespectful to the stranger, so disrespectful to me and also to the children.

BIL has recently separated from SIL so their boys are here on hols without her. They miss her massively. Already the parents have a toxic relationship. Makes me worry for the boys' future to think they will be growing up with a horribly disfunctional and emotionally abusive model of a relationship plus a sexist father.

But having a wobble as I feel like I stuck my neck out and I'm the one people think is weird!

[Greythorne]

He has three boys, FFS.

The oldest one was watching intently in the way children do when there's something slightly risqué happening.

I think BIL is a horrible example to children in general, but ESP his boys.

[Xenia]

Well said. If people say nothing they condone what is said.

You could also have said I've always wondered if you had had penile or had facial surgery and ask him about what he does to improve his attractiveness to women.

[mrscumberbatch]

You are totally in the right. I would have done the same.

[grimbletart]

Of course you did right. You can only hope the boys grow up to be more intelligent than their father, who clearly keeps whatever apology for a brain he purports to have, in his Speedos.

[edam]

Well done.

[hermioneweasley]

Of course you were right. Of course he will give you a horrible label, but that's to minimise you. If you're not a humour,ess nag then you've got a point and he's a wank badger, so of course it has to be about you.

Well done.

[40ShillingsOnTheDrum]

Absolutely the right thing and very courageous.

It's hard to do. No matter how much I read and say in the company of women it's hard to do it with and around men. I can see, with hindsight, I and many many women are brought up to appease men, from a very early age. So standing up to years of conditioning as well as social norms is tough.

Very few men are called out on their harmful behaviour and attitudes. Well done!

[Greythorne]

Also, it is not easy because it's all taking place in French, so whilst I speak French pretty well, it's tricky to be articulate and clear.

It was strangely liberating, though, to just say what I wanted and not care about being labelled a harridan.

[kickassangel]

It also sounds like he was trying to upset you, by repeating it then drawing you into the conversation.
In other words he targeted you, so he could show how his ideas are right and yours are wrong.

If you're able to, put together a phrase that means something like sexism and bigotry are not jokes, I'd rather be able to treat serious issues seriously than to make sexist bigoted jokes in front of children.

Or just ask why he insisted in asking your thoughts just so he could disagree with them. Did he mean to be so rude?

[ArabellaBeaumaris]

You did fantastically.