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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

The Contented Mother's Guide.

48 replies

GeekCool · 07/03/2012 13:01

Uhm having read the description of this and seen the quotes etc, I feel this thread should be in here. Telling women to 'grin and bear' having sex in the few weeks after giving birth is absoluletly outrageous! It's insulting to women and men.
To women it says - forget the fact you've birthed a baby, have trauma as a result (bruising etc), your man's needs are more important than you or your baby.

To men it says - you are incapable of putting anyone else before your own needs. You are incapable of accepting you are needed/wanted without being shown through sex.

Argh! It makes me so angry!

OP posts:

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TBE · 07/03/2012 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinthWave · 07/03/2012 13:19

I saw this yesterday - well, I saw a link but I was on my phone so couldn't read the article. Hideous.

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/03/2012 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KRITIQ · 07/03/2012 13:44

Keep checking the calendar just to make sure I haven't woken up in 1954.

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 07/03/2012 13:46

Dworkin · 07/03/2012 13:50

It is a huge fail to both parents. And this from a woman who hasn't had a baby.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 07/03/2012 14:20

TunipTheVegemal · 07/03/2012 14:35

and it is perhaps not going to make women who follow the advice awfully contented....

MizK · 07/03/2012 14:40

Is it actually going to be that bad though? I thought it sounded awful from your comments so read the Mail article about it. That's a quote from one woman interviewed so to say that it advocates rape is a bit of an overreach I think.

Had to laugh at the mistily glam pic of the author though, trying to counteract her hard as nails rep.... I do wonder why she feels it to be her place to publish a manual telling mothers how to be Contented. She isn't a mother. You can interview all the mothers you like, but until you have a baby you just don't know the physical havoc it can wreak - including the horrors of the first post baby shag. Terrifying.

GeekCool · 07/03/2012 15:02

The quote said you should drink wine and/or dress up to get in the mood (not enough ! in the world for that) but occasionally you may have 'to grin and bear it'.

So new months should drink (does that sit well with a new mother if she is trying to establish BF?) dress up (whose benefit is this for?) or just lie back and let your bloke do his thing.

No one should grin and bear sex surely?! It's meant to be FUN for fuck sake.

OP posts:

TunipTheVegemal · 07/03/2012 15:08

I don't remember any of my first post baby shags involving 'horrors' and I have had three kids, so clearly it's not inevitable.
Agree with GeekCool - it's meant to be fun!

TunipTheVegemal · 07/03/2012 15:10

I meant to add - and the way to make sure any 'horrors' are minimized is surely to wait until one is physically and emotionally ready?

MizK · 07/03/2012 15:24

tunip lucky you. Maybe horrors was an exaggeration but in my case after DD2, when we first attempted I was completely ready to go for it (why else would we have bothered?) but yes it was a bit scary, as I was v mindful of the stress my poor body had gone through giving birth weeks earlier. Something, my point was, that Ms Ford is completely unfamiliar with.

TunipTheVegemal · 07/03/2012 15:35

sorry if I sounded like I was minimising the people who did have a hard time of it, MizK. I didn't mean it to come out that way, I agree with you totally.

GeekCool · 07/03/2012 15:36

It is scary though, you just don't know if it will hurt etc or feel different and lets be honest, 4-6 weeks after birth some of us (Me definitely) are still carrying baby weight, but everything has just sagged cause baby isn't there to support it lol.

OP posts:

SinicalSanta · 07/03/2012 15:46

Don't forget huns, everyone else gets first dibs at your body.

blackcurrants · 07/03/2012 17:01

This makes me want to rage, smash things, and generally scream.

DH knew I'd had a stitch after a very long and otherwise straightforward vaginal delivery, and I think we'd already articulated the 'imagine there's been a stitch on a tear in your bumhole. How soon would you want to push this courgette up it?' conversation before the birth.

I think we ended up at it after a couple of months, when I pinned him to the sofa and snogged him senseless. Seeing him be so great with DS made me crazed with lust, obviously - but even though I was ready, up for it, and indeed initiating contact it was still bloody scary not knowing how, erm, things were going to hold up to PIV. The idea of doing any of that without wanting to is... well. It is horrific. Which is what imagining rape is like.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 07/03/2012 17:05

Agree as always with blackcurrants (promise I am not stalking you). Plus emphasis is on PIV, once again. There are other ways of having sex to get your confidence up.

blackcurrants · 07/03/2012 17:06

damn right! God, I wish we could do away with this damaging societal obsession with PIV.

Not actually do away with PIV though cos sometimes I quite fancy some.

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 07/03/2012 17:18

I didn't even end up with a vaginal delivery (but that's another sob story) and I was still massively apprehensive. GF is probably just on a massive dry spell and is bitter about women who have obviously had sex at least under on the preceding year /cynical bitch act

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 07/03/2012 17:19

*at least once

SinicalSanta · 07/03/2012 20:00

I don't think it's fair to castigate her on account of her ex life, whatever form it takes. Its up to the indivi
dual - yes even post natal mums.
My body owes nothing to no one

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SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 07/03/2012 21:35

IIRC, the advice to ''grin and bear it'' came from a mother quoted in the book. Just visualising myself in that position, if I'm feeling coerced in to sex out of feelings that my husband is neglected, and I'm having to 'grin and bear it' through uncomfortable sex, before my body is ready to have sex. While my husband may feel 'closer' to me, I sure as hell am not going to feel closer to him.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 08/03/2012 08:14

I took my dd to have some cranial osteopathy with me when she was born and I mentioned to the practitioner that I wasn't in the slightest interested in having sex again yet. My dd was about 4 months, she told me she still doesn't after 1 year but she gets on with it anyway and feels much better about herself afterwards.

I told my mum the same and she said I'd lose my dh if I didn't.

I told my friends and they said nothing as they didn't have children and know how it affects the body/mind.

My husband bought me sexy underwear and some supplements to help which made me really pressured and I cried.

Stupid Gina Ford book with stupid comments can really contribute to PND as the people above inadvertently did to me in my life.

witchwithallthetrimmings · 08/03/2012 10:01

its really conflating cause and effect in a dangerous way though isn't it? If you have had an active sex life and a good relationship before childbirth, then if you can't imagine yourself having sex and see your partner as just a another set of needs that you have to satisfy, then you MAY be depressed and your relationship MAY be in trouble. The lack of sexual desire is a SYMPTOM not a CAUSE.

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