Surnames both mine and my ds (babbling alittle)(14 Posts)
I saw another post on her about choosing Mrs, Ms or remaining Ms when marrying and it got me thinking (as Im planning my wedding)
Since I was a teenage and could take a informed feminist view point I have always ticked the Ms box on everything and will continue to be a Ms when married but Im not quite comfortable with my decision of surname...
I have my dads surname and have always used it, but inbetween my middle name and surname is my mums maiden name... My dad is a wanker and has never been involved with me but refused to allow me and my siblings to change our name when we were young, and to be honest Ive not thought about it since..
When my son was born i agreed for him to have my OH surname but on the condition he had my mums maiden name inbetween his middle name and surname... but we dont use in day to day life purely for ease cos the names dont go well together...
On planning our wedding my MIL questioned why I was caution of taking my OH surname and I told her that it didnt feel right as my name should be my own but oddly my dads surname doesnt feel like it is mine! and so I was talked it to agreeing to take their name so that our son didnt ask questions and to make life easy... Now thinkin about it Im uneasy about it, I want our son to know we r a unit but I would really like to change my name to my mums maiden name...
So hear is where I asked for your advice... Is it really impractical to have a family under different surnames? Could we start using initials to represent out DS's middle name and middle surname in day to day life so that he feels linked to me too, if I were to revert to my mums maiden name? or would that just confuse him?
What r schools like about it, or banks etc? How could I explain this to my MIL and FIL? Will this affect my son in anyway? OR should I just shut up about it n get used to the idea I should be taking my OHs surname cos its easier for all??
Hope thats understandable!!
My DS has double surname and he has no problems at school. In fact he likes it cos it sounds posh (elitist - I know I didn't see that one coming!)
If your dad is a nobhead and you owe more to your mum, change your surname to hers and double your son's with your OH's. It's pretty easy to change. If your FIL or MIL give you hassle just tell them that's how it rolls in your culture..... or that you're Spanish.
Thanks its reassuring to know it works out... I would love to use DS double surname daily but worry it doesnt go (Pattison Button) n think cos of that I gave in so e is just known by Button (which I hate anyways)
All the other double surnames I hear seem to fit!!
having a different surname confuses all sorts of people. I get called "mrs my kids surname" by the receptionist at the doctor, the receptionist at school, the childrens gynmastics teachers, etc etc. The worst is the immigration police at the border. I would even consider changing my name by deed poll, even though I would not ever marry.
My kids have their dad's surname, and my surname as an additional middle name (both surnames are long/unusual and they don't go together, so double-barrelling would have felt a bit unfair). In normal circs they don't use my surname at all. I have never had any real problems due to this. It's true that sometimes I do get called 'Mrs DHname' by people who know the kids but not me (secretary at school, for example) but that's an easy mistake to make, and I just correct them gently (and usually say 'Call me Totally' rather than 'It's Ms UnheardOf actually') and normally they catch on quite quickly. It's getting less and less unusual for parents to have different names from their children and no-one has ever made a big deal out of it.
I've never ever had a problem with immigration, though it does help that my kids have my name as a middle name so that shows on their passport.
I did have one
officious idiot at the Post Office who told me that I couldn't get an E111 form (when they still existed) for my kids because I didn't have the same name as them, but a phone call confirmed that this is bollox incorrect.
I am happy with the compromise we arrived at for the kids' names, and I have never ever for one second regretted not adopting my dh's name.
my kids have my H's surname while i've kept mine and the school do refer to me as Mrs their-surname because they are lazy sods who can't be arsed checking their contact lists but my DS's nursery always used my correct name and i've never had any problems with the fact we have different surnames.
i wanted the kids to have my surname as their second middle-name but got guilt-tripped into using a family name for DD by my MIL and i knew she'd be upset if DS got my name when she didn't so just gave him a family name from my side. i have a feeling DD might double-barrel when she is older. of my 5 closest friends, 2 have different surnames to their kids and another is about to change her name back to her maiden name following divorce so it's really pretty common these days!
Its not impractical at all, and although sometimes people call you the wrong name, thats ok its easily corrected. My ds accepts happily that we are Ms myname, Mr hisname and Master myname-hisname.
Do as you and your dp want - everyone elses opinion doesn't matter.
I think changing your name to your mums is a really nice thing to do - I had thought about changing mine to my g/aunts and grandmothers maiden name which died out
I took dh's name because my maiden name back home is associated with drunken brawling, although ds1 has my maiden name as a middle name (we were not married when we named him so THAT was fun (hospital insisted he had my name on files and bands so his middle and surname were the same!)
Anyway we dropped that with the others but the one rules has remained: nobody ever refers to me as Mrs Peachy EVER. I might prefer dh's surname but I am not a belonging! Everyone calls me by my first name, or indeed Peachy. I thought about returning to maiden name for professional use but married name is more memorable: it's practical reasons only though.
I think you just ahve to go for what works for you and then forget teh rest; names are more than labels, they ahve all manner of associations, and ahould just be treated as that.
My DSs have my name-theirfathersname, but they often drop myname, to my annoyance. I don't know if it's because the combination is a mouthful. Myname is nicer and easier to spell, though. I suspect their father told them his name was their "real" name.
My DD has her father's name.
I'm a bit annoyed I didn't give them all my name, we now have three surnames among four of us.
It has only caused a problem when I took DD to the UK, and the man at immigration asked her questions to make sure I really was her mother and wasn't abducting her, because we had different surnames. He said I should carry her birth certificate when we travel.
Thes days there shouldn't be problems for families with several different surnames. That's the norm for so many people/nations that any expectation that you'll all have the same name should have largely died out.
Obvioulsy amongst some UK residents the expectation remains that both parents and children will all share the same name, so as Weevils has said, you might have to 'reassure' some (slightly silly/rude/old fashioned) people from time to time - as it ever was with anything that breaks from narrow and often eccentric 'traditions' that some people refuse to see past.
My dc have my surname (X) and their dad's surname (Y) as per the Hispanic tradition. They are son Y X and daughter Y X. In day to day terms they are son Y and daughter Y. I have got them British passports and been in and out of the country with them on my own with no hassle or problem whatever. When there I get by in the UK just fine being the same name I always was even though I am married. The only person who worries about these things appears to be my Mum who is at a loss to say "Mrs./Ms." plus my surname as this means we are both the same. She thought for some reason that changing your name was legally required. She even made me phone the Records office to check! I think this kind of culturally ingrained thinking will be your main problem, but if you just smile and hold your ground noone will bother ime.
Another one who kept her own surname & has children with DP surname - mine is one of their middle names. It works for us.
I have the same surname I have ever had. We originally intended for our boy children to have OH's name and for girl children to have mine. However, we decided to call our second born D, and this is alliterative with OH's surname, so he has my surname and is called DR rather than DD.
We seriously considered changing both our names to a common surname upon marriage, but found we were rather attached to our born surnames, so didn't.
I don't like hyphenating because it can't work after two generations. You can't be called Ms Smith-Jones-Taylor-Davids, let alone Ms Smith-Jones-Taylor-Davids-Brown-Mulligan-Wolsey-Smith.
Nursery have never questioned that our boys have different surnames. We don't do school.
If someone ask for Mrs (OH surname) then I know who they mean and I'll let them know it's me.
You can call yourself whatever you want, really. ok for passport etc, you need an 'official' name, but otherwise, who knows or checks?
my friend works pt for a school - while there, the kids call her 'mrs partnersname'.
she's not mrs, and would never give up her own name, but the kids just call her that cos she's x's mum, so that's what she gets called. it's an assumption that should be challenged, though not via the 5 year-olds who call her that (imo)
anyway, her passport says her REAL name, but she also has a bank account where she can bank cheques for her dp's business, which are sometimes in his name, the business name, or her name, or assuming she's married name.
i know plenty of women who use differnt names for work/home/kids school scenarios.
Call your self what you want, other people can just lump it.
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